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Old 20-02-13, 10:53 AM   #1
Stop being an idiot.
 
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Default Giving up

This isn't advice, but me talking.

Is it odd that, since I was a kid, I have "known" I was going to commit suicide and not make it? It must have been some feeling I got. Maybe it was in grade school when I compared myself to the other kids. Maybe it all goes back to my father and how I was treated, both positively and negatively. It's almost as if I am supposed to give up. It's almost as if God had already ordained my distress and my...my...what's the word? Epic tragedy. You know, those novels you read back in the Victorian age? The ones where there was an epic tragedy on the protagonist, and it eventually lead to a sad ending? I feel like the next step here is to "give up." You know, just...this is all according to fate, or what have you...

Ever since I was a child, I somehow knew things would come to this. I somehow KNEW that I wasn't capable to live in this world. I've said it many times, and I'll say it again: I'm not made for this world. My life is, I feel, supposed to benefit someone else's life in some fashion, for they are the protagonist and I am the "filler character." I'm one of those charaters that die really quick in a fight scene and no one remembers. One of those people who protect some king, but die in an instance and the real hero comes. I'm one of those people who...just...isn't supposed to make it. I'm waiting for my own ending here, so how can I focus on being happy? How can I focus on my day to day life when I KNOW it will end very soon in some...tragic mess?

Or? Or what? The other alternative is to...you know...not do that. The other alternative is to, I don't know, push back a little? The other alternative may include something along the lines of pressing a little bit more. Just a little. Not much, but just...a little, tiny bit. Yeah, maybe so! Maybe, but....nah. Right? Nah. The harder you push back, the further you get thrown. It's like pushing up against a wall; if you barely push the wall, you don't get thrown back. If you push hard, you fall flat on your back. The harder you push, the worse it can be. So maybe, and this is a big maybe, we fight too much with our lives. Maybe we can all just...or rather, ME..stop trying and start living. Live out the life I think I have instead of being stuck in pushing or pulling the fate. Do I push away what I know is to be true? Or do I pull it close and ride with it? Is that what it's about? Do you push or pull at life? I'm asking you.

The thing that really stinks is I have a lot of potential, I believe. I was always supposed to turn out as this great guy. I'm supposed to be strong, smart, successful, etc. I realize I could have been more. This is one element of that "tragic" life I lead.

I'm a frightened little child, to be completely honest. I know how I am. I'm anxiety-driven and weak in mind and body. I, as they say, run at any sign of competition. I don't even care about having the "strength" image anymore. I don't. Guys are supposed to be strong or whatever, but why should I even care? So, is this the end..? Finally it?

Welp, I have already mentioned how weak I am. I have already mentioned my tragic life. But you know, there's something inside me that's different from a lot of people. Beats me as to what it is. Some people call it hope. Some people call it spirit. Some people call it a will to live. Some people call it...I don't know. Hell, some people call it the "real you." Just...whatever that thing is, I've got it. Many of times I've been on my last wire. My very last strand. Hanging on as I watched it start to tear. But...there's this one strand within the last strand. There's this thing inside me that glows gold. Whatever that thing is, it holds me. I'm weak, but there's one thing that I have deep, deep down. There's one thing that just..makes me get up one more time. Albeit, I get up slow as hell sometimes. Albeit, I fall easy. Al-by God-beit, I make things more difficult than it needs to be. Due to some of my internal issues, the "simple" things people take for granted, I struggle with. SO if I choose to maybe hang on. If I choose to push that wall, I will fall. Not only will I fall, but I will fall harder than most others. So that means I would need to stand back up more times than the "normal" person. That means that, if I decide to give life the good ol' right hook, I'll also fall back on my back. So at that point, I'll need to, yet again, stand up.

So what do I choose? Tragedy? The right hook? Right now I say one thing, but I realize that I may want the opposite later. But God dammit, son of a bitch, I deserve to live. Mother fucker, what makes me so special to not be able to live? I'm well aware that if I decide to live, I will suffer much more than I "should." Right now, if I end it, I can sit back and not have to worry about it. I can forget these issues and run away...again. Whether there's an afterlife or not, I want to be on my death bed, knowing that I did it. No one beats life. Everyone dies. Although, it's not what you do with your life, it's how you die. I want to see how I die. No, dammit, I'm not gonna die like that. I'm not gonna just lie down and let it be the end. I know of plenty of issues I'll have in the future, and they're gonna fucking suck. But dammit, no. Do I want to give up? Hell yeah I do. Will I? You know...maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just like...stand back up, right here, right now. Look life straight in the eyes. I'll let life know it is strong. I'll let it be known to everyone that I am weak. Life gives you things you cannot control. However! There is one thing life cannot touch, ever. Deep down inside of you, there's the real you. The real you has two choices every time life hits you: Do I keep fighting? Do I stop fighting?

We are all faced with the question. Some in suicidal ways, some in other ways. Some people give up. Whether or not it takes real courage to kill yourself, I'll let you internally decide that. But...when it's all said and done...I know I'm going to die. We all are. We're going to die. We're going to die. WE. ARE. GOING. TO. DIE.

So, how are you going to die? Hero? Loser?








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Old 20-02-13, 11:21 AM   #2
Stay Positive.
 
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Default Re: Giving up

I think I work hard and sometimes push myself. But I think I'll die a loser. No-one likes me. Winners are liked.








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Old 20-02-13, 11:34 AM   #3
Vires in Numeris
 
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Default Re: Giving up

I can totally relate to you there. I remember when I was 12ish or so. I used to be extremely overweight, I had no friend, no one to talk to, and I was ready to die a loser. In fact, I knew I would die a loser; why would such people like me (like I used to be, anyway) would ever win?

I got that shitty attitude out of my head. I starting working out, got in a great shape, I started going out with friends, do all sorts of stuff and activities that just made me feel great. I won every time, not by coming 1st in all the competitions I've ever taken part in, but by feeling myself as a winner all the time. My motto soon became "Every loss is a victory" and it's true, for the amount of experience we gain from everything, whether it be a loss or a victory, is immense.

I personally know that I am not going to die a loser. I am very optimistic and ambitious, I know what I want to achieve in life and how to get what I want, and as long as those things remain my goal, there is no way for me to die a loser. I'll die a winner. Now, I know it can sound as if I were full of myself and really, really sure about this. Well, yes. By being confident, great things are achieved, it's what motivates (me anyway) to always strive to be the best and go forward no matter what.

If shit happens, if we make mistakes, fine, that is life. We learn from everything, then we get up and look forward and keep walking on the life's path. Positivism is super important, and the more confident we are about living a life to the fullest and the less we worry about how others will percieve us when we die, the better it is.

~Lio
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Old 20-02-13, 06:26 PM   #4
I dream of Darkness
 
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Default Re: Giving up

Quote:
Ever since I was a child, I somehow knew things would come to this. I somehow KNEW that I wasn't capable to live in this world. I've said it many times, and I'll say it again: I'm not made for this world
This hit me the hardest because i've literally thought this way for years. I've been outcasted before and i've always felt that i'm just the odd one out, that no one really gets me. I never really felt fit or deserving of my life.
A lot of this actually fits how i feel. Falling harder and more often under the pressure of so much stuff. Its time to say (more or less) fuck the world and push back, if i fall, i'll get back up. I can't fail, i won't fail. Too many people rely on me now for me to fail, too many people see something in me that they claim is good. And i came to realization (with help) that i don't have to go about it alone. I use this metaphor, that my journey to this ideal of good is up a mountain, but i have to reach the mountain just to climb it and to get the mountain i must go through an unknown jungle. So i've got a lot of shit to do and i may get lost, and i may fall, but i'll reach that peak and be there with those who have helped me immensely. No one will stop me, no person, no divine being, not God, nor Satan. I won't be a loser or a hero, but I plan on being a leader, as i have been in the past.
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A hero was born from the soul that's forgotten

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