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Creativity, Arts, Design, and Poetry Creative teenager? Share your art, poetry, and writing in this forum.

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Old 25-09-11, 06:42 PM   #1
Aoi aoi ano sora
 
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It doesn't satisfy my thirst for love.
And hate doesn't satisfy my hunger for vengeance.
I hate them, the emotions, I told her
I want to hate everyone yet, I try to protect them
Bias and ignorant, I am
You got that right
But not caring? Thats all wrong...
I try to feed this thing I call a heart
But that big gaping hole in it
Every goddamn thing falls out of it!
I try to scoop my messes up...but they just melt away in my hands...
So I shut my self down so I don't ever have to feel that pain ever again
And trust me....its slowly killing me....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
eh...still not a good one...sorry Teen Forumz ....








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Old 25-09-11, 07:27 PM   #2
Lethal Frequency
 
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I like it. Better than anything I've done. Watch your endstops and enjambments. You might want to check those out and make sure that's what you want there. Sounds a bit off to me when read with the current punctuation. I like the use of iambs around the pyrrhic in the with the word satisfy. It creates a almost empty sound in the middle of iambic pent.








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Old 25-09-11, 07:30 PM   #3
Aoi aoi ano sora
 
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You lost me at I like it... kidding but i'll edit it later i wrote that in like....5 mins?








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Old 25-09-11, 07:35 PM   #4
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To be honest, I'd like to see you attempt a closed form poem. You have the ideas and if you can get a structure and feet to match it, it'll turn out so much more powerful. Not that there's anything wrong with open form.








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Old 25-09-11, 07:41 PM   #5
Aoi aoi ano sora
 
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You should help me with that....you have a much better understanding then i do








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Old 25-09-11, 07:45 PM   #6
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Can't help you much there actually. I can analyze it but I can't write poetry in feet for the life of me.








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Old 25-09-11, 07:48 PM   #7
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well i meant just give me more of you feed back detailed on certain sentences








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