Teen Forums - Teen Chat, Teen Help, Teen Advice & Support

It doesn't satisfy my thirst for love.
And hate doesn't satisfy my hunger for vengeance.
I hate them, the emotions, I told her
I want to hate everyone yet, I try to protect them
Bias and ignorant, I am
You got that right
But not caring? Thats all wrong...
I try to feed this thing I call a heart
But that big gaping hole in it
Every goddamn thing falls out of it!
I try to scoop my messes up...but they just melt away in my hands...
So I shut my self down so I don't ever have to feel that pain ever again
And trust me....its slowly killing me....
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eh...still not a good one...sorry Teen Forumz ....

I like it. Better than anything I've done. Watch your endstops and enjambments. You might want to check those out and make sure that's what you want there. Sounds a bit off to me when read with the current punctuation. I like the use of iambs around the pyrrhic in the with the word satisfy. It creates a almost empty sound in the middle of iambic pent.

You lost me at I like it... kidding but i'll edit it later i wrote that in like....5 mins?

To be honest, I'd like to see you attempt a closed form poem. You have the ideas and if you can get a structure and feet to match it, it'll turn out so much more powerful. Not that there's anything wrong with open form.

You should help me with that....you have a much better understanding then i do

Can't help you much there actually. I can analyze it but I can't write poetry in feet for the life of me.

well i meant just give me more of you feed back detailed on certain sentences