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Old 15-11-11, 09:05 PM   #1
3, 2, 1, Let's Jam!
 
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Default A Dance for Two.

In a damp musty room, I scour the room, so dismal and dark. Like a bomb shelter, with a giant steel door, a small key hole.
"My sweet"
A whisper through the keyhole! The voice is familiar. It's my love! How did I get here?Where am I? How do i get out? So many questions to ask, but I don't. Even her voice had me enamored.
"Hello, my darling."
"Are you alright?" A response.
"Yes, why do you ask?"
"Well, it's a bit damp and musty in here. Overall it's quite depressing, I was hoping the same wasn't true for you." A glimpse of care for me. I try, and fail, to suppress my smile. She makes it so, like like there is no door, no wall. I put my hand against the door, there is a small pang as my fingers hit the smooth steel. It echoes round the room. I've been keeping her waiting, so many lovely images i'll never to experience if I keep her waiting, prehaps she'll find a way out. I panic, bumble some words.
"It's a bit humid, yes, but I'm fine. Thank you. How did you get here?"
"I'm not quite sure, I was talking with a dear acquaintance, an old lady on my street. Mrs. Walton. We were talking about finding love. I went home, and took a nap. I'm here now."
"Why did you say my sweet before anything else?"
I regret saying that, I truly do. I'm intrusive, and it seems like I don't want to be called her sweet. Oh but I do, so much more than anything.
"I figured it would invoke a response much quicker" Her sweetness in such a bitter sentence makes me die inside. Why am I so infatuated? I chose not to know.
"So I'm not your sweet?" There was a considerable shakiness and disdain in my voice.
"I've known you for five minutes, who do you take me for?" she answered. A cross sentence, but she did not say it crossly with any hint of sarcasm. Either she was horrible at sarcastic remarks, or she didn't mean any harm at all. I'm not her sweet, but I will be.
"Might there be a way to make it so?" I ask, putting my hand up flat against the door, like it is a window, wondering if she put her hand their too. A small thud. From her side, nothing. I hope this door is sound proof.
"Well, it seems we have time to become acquainted" I could see her small smile through all the inches of steel. I blushed, it was noticeable in my voice. I stuttered, she could tell I was interested.
A small cough, i responded "Yes, it would appear that way." I had nothing to say. An awkward pause. "Would there be a way that I could see your face whilst we talk? This door is I'm sure not nearly as attractive." I hear a pound on the wall behind me. There is another door there, it shuts as I turn to look at it. On the ground, two keys, and a note on a tattered rag:

One key unlocks this door. The other needs more effort, two persons. It will open the door behind you.

"Did you hear a noise?" She asks a bit frightened.
I comfort. "Yes, there are two keys here. I seem to have answered my own question. The note says 'One key unlocks this door. The other needs more effort, two persons. It will open the door behind you'"
"There is a door behind me, too. Say, how many keys do you have?"
"Two."
"Find the one that opens this door, i'd like to see you." I smile uncontrollably, I fantasize of her beauty, with long flowing hair, lips of jewels, and eyes far more precious than any stone. I fumble with a keys. I slam the key into the lock, and turn. There is an enormous thud and a song that plays from above the ceiling. It is sweet, a waltz.
"Perhaps we should dance?" I request my sweet.
"I'm afraid I have two left feet" She replys graciously
"Well, I have two right ones, care to trade?" I smile at her. We dance. My hand in hers, other on her curvy hips. She is wearing a dress of black satin, smooth against her body. It presents itself to me, but I'm not an animal. I admire with my eyes locked in hers. Green, i always wondered why it was my favorite color, I guess i know now. She seems to be trying to stare past me, but I? I stare into her, i want to see more. Surely she is hiding something. Gracious, sweet, beauty like I've never seen. Why was this hiding behind a door? Guarded from me. I deserve this gift from god. I seize her attention with a question as the final fermata plays and the song ends.

"You're not a bad dancer at all. And you're very beautiful"
She blushes, and responds with an attempt at modesty "I'm not sure about beautiful, but that was a lovely dance. Thank you.
"I'm a well educated man" I smile at her "surely i know the definition of beauty." I kiss her hand. I look up slowly, to a blushing face. I turn red myself. She looks into my eyes for the first time. She sees inside me and I explode. I quiver a bit?
"Is the humidity getting to you, do you need to sit?" she asks in the most caring tone.
"No thank you, I was just a bit stunned." I kiss her again, on the cheek.
"What was that? That kiss?" She asks me. Again so sincerely, brilliantly.
"An apology, to the must stunning thing in the room." I blush and smile.
She smiles at me. "Well how about a kiss?" She takes a step forward and smiles up at me.
I light up immediately, I panic. I grab my thighs and wrinkle my shorts so as not to shake again. I bend over, tilting my head. I plant a kiss on her sweet lips. She tastes like mangoes, and pineapple. I blush furiously, and hold her hand tenderly.

A whisper from up above:
"I'll see you on the outside. I'll see you on the outside.I'll see you on the outside."
The unused key levitates itself into the air. I grab it. I laugh uneasily "I guess it wants me to unlock the door." I pick up the note once more and re-read it. " It says it takes two to open, come here and help me turn it." We walk over to her door and it opens. She turns to me. "I'm Sondra, by the way. It was wonderful to meet you." She turns back around, and walks into the blackness. It covers her, but i can see her silhouette no matter how far I go. I turn around to my door. How will i unlock it now that she is gone? I jiggle the large handle. It turns, and unlocks. I tear up the note, blow a kiss to the empty doorway and leave.

Beeps, flashes, a weary eye opening to a crowd full of attendants. "He's awake! He's awake!" I'm confused, a light flashes in my eye. I'm not dead. It's a nurse. I grumble something. One of the nurses turns her ear in to listen carefully.
"Where am I now?"
She answers "You're in the ICU, you had a heart attack. You were unconscious for 3 hours." I close my eyes and go back to sleep. I know it wasn't an attack.

____________________

I really hope you enjoy this. I consider this a piece of work that I'm very proud of.










"Is not the human body a mere shell, a form of existence all too small and weak for consciousness with such vast reach and potential?"
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Old 16-11-11, 01:42 PM   #2
3, 2, 1, Let's Jam!
 
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Default Re: A Dance for Two.

Bump! I'd like your feedback!










"Is not the human body a mere shell, a form of existence all too small and weak for consciousness with such vast reach and potential?"
-Dr. Londes
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Old 16-11-11, 01:56 PM   #3
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Default Re: A Dance for Two.

Oooh. I like it
Good work.
I love the way it's written out, Keeps it interesting right to the end.










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Old 16-11-11, 02:26 PM   #4
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Default Re: A Dance for Two.

So now I fully read it instead of being ADD and just skimming it. As a reader, I really enjoyed it. It reminded me, for some odd reason, of Room 101 in 1984. But I think, as a writer, due to the dramatization of what you are trying to convey, consider making the length of each segment, of each deliberation, a little longer.








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Old 16-11-11, 02:38 PM   #5
3, 2, 1, Let's Jam!
 
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Default Re: A Dance for Two.

I was thinking about fixing it a bit, would it be worth it to keep working with this?










"Is not the human body a mere shell, a form of existence all too small and weak for consciousness with such vast reach and potential?"
-Dr. Londes
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Old 16-11-11, 02:39 PM   #6
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Default Re: A Dance for Two.

Absolutely. Its a first draft, I assume? Keep at it.








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