Teen Forums - Teen Chat, Teen Help, Teen Advice & Support

I wouldn't ever normally do this, but after the last two days or so I feel as if I should do something about this and seek some advice. This is a fairly long read, so I'd like to say thank you beforehand for read this. I'm not sure about where to start from and I'm guessing you'll need clarity if I fail to mention one or two things...

I think the first thing to mention is my head. I've realised over the last few years that I'm a very deep thinking person and that I tend to really over think things, it's something I always have done. It's something that's cause me so much grief and problems over the years, especially now. I tend to spend a lot of time in my head and I end up feeling depressed if I spend too long with myself. Since college has finished I've been doing it a lot more than usual. In January my grandmother passed away (I'll get back to it), which severely affected my exam performance, but I was excused for it by the exam boards. Before my summer exams I had broken my finger and was unable to write properly as a result, but the exam boards didn't accept this reason. I held an offer for dentistry at university, my dream course, only to miss out by several marks. I now have to do a back up course, only to waste 3 years and 30k and even then I can't guarantee my place at post graduate dentistry, but there's nothing else I'd rather do. The reason I didn't perform so well in my final set of exams was because I missed my lessons to spend time with my three best friends that I had met during the course of this academic year. I'm a boy, they're all girls. But I can accept that I missed dentistry cause it's my fault for spending time with them guys, I've become close friends as a result and I don't regret it..

But I've become very close with one of them over the last few months. I think to the extent where I'm somewhat in love with her, but I'm sure she doesn't feel the same. She really really cares about me and values me, but she's never been close to a guy so she's not ready for anything else. Not only that but she's very religious, which I respect. We became very close in particular and it was only until we broke up from college that everything started going bad.

I have this problem where I can't be close to people who I haven't seen for a while. It's how I've always been. I feel like I need time to remember how close to be with a person before I know how to be comfortable, I wait for them to be perfectly fine before I can be- it's another reason why I'm so sick of my mind. I haven't seen her for 7 weeks and I know she really really wants to meet up, but it's just been impractical- we intend on meeting up on Monday. She's come to realise how I'm like and that I need her to be there a little longer than if we would just see each other. In person I can understand how a person is with me because I can assess their body language, it's difficult over instant messaging on the phone, we don't talk on the phone. She's my best friend and she's told me that she wants some distance. Maybe to get rid of her instant messaging program and just talk in person, not only because of me, but because of people bugging her all the time- something I can't do. I think I might be slightly obsessive with her and I understand I need to back away, and I shall. But it's upsetting that I was the one person who could really make her happy and now she doesn't mind having space.
That aside, my other two friends. I don't want them to move on. The few months I had in college with them were perfect and I can't bare for things to move on. Mentally I just can't take it, it upsets me so so so much.

Religion is another thing I think is worth mentioning.. Islam was something I loved as a child, but I lost my way and sort of become Atheist for a year. My best friend, who I mentioned earlier, set me on the right path. I was doing well. I never prayed to God for anything except for Dentistry cause I know I would've devoted my life to God. I know that's selfish, I get it. But I currently feel lost and I'm starting to question God again.

So when I received my results to find out I'd missed out on dentistry I was very very upset. All my emotions started getting to me. I had my whole life planned and now it was out of my grasp. I felt as if my close friends were moving on to better things and here I was 5 years behind my peers. I started feeling depressed and I've been in my room for the last 3 days. My friends would constantly be saying that things will move on and it'll never be the same and it's really getting to me. (I understand this is dragging somewhat, I don't think I'm explaining it very well but..)

I've needed my best friend for me over the last two days. I told her I was feeling lonely and I really needed to talk because I was upset, but she ignored me. There was nobody else I could really talk to. I asked her a few times if she could talk, she said later and I told her this was urgent because I was feeling really depressed, but she didn't get it so I told her to forget talking. I did this 4 times over the course of two days. Eventually I spoke to my other female friend who listened to me for 2 hours over instant messaging and it helped..

I was in my room for those 2 days in nobodys company, feeling depressed with nobody to talk to on my phone. My best friend wouldn't understand. This was the first day. On the second day I couldn't take the feeling anymore so I thought about taking 24 paracetamols to stop my mind from thinking. I told her and my other female friend I was feeling suicidal, but they didn't get it. My best friend was ignoring me and when I told her about the paracetamols she spoke to me for 20 minutes before leaving and I was so upset that she would leave me in such a state, as with my other friend. So I tried taking the pills, but I was scared for the whole day. For the odd few seconds I was ready to take them, but then I was scared again. After a while I thought I would sleep and if I felt the same after waking up, I'd do it. However, I was awoken by my dad knocking on the door asking to talk to me, so I unlocked the door. I spent 20 minutes lying on my bed facing away from my parents crying and being unresponsive whilst they told me god had better things in store for me- which I couldn't/can't accept. My mum spent the time trying to get me to eat, I hadn't eaten for two days and had only had a glass of water. I realised I couldn't do it because I could never upset my mum that much ever, she'd be heartbroken. As would my family, after losing my grandmother. So I decided not to.

After a few hours I asked my best friend why she was ignoring, she said she wasn't, I said she was, then she ignored me again. This is when my other female friend got the point when I got irritated and angry that they didn't get it, so she listened for 2 hours and it helped. I had nobody to talk to for like 40 hours, which I spent on my own thinking in complete isolation. Nobody asked what I was feeling and how I was, the only consolation I had was from the internet, reading other peoples' problems and reading people saying that suicide isn't worth it, I felt like they were speaking to me, I wanted them to say that to me. I was so upset after saying to my best friend that I was "lonely" "suicidal" "really really need to talk" and she didn't get it and ignored me. She figured I didn't want to talk to her cause I said I'd block her cause she wasn't there when I needed her most.

I woke up this morning deciding I wanted to cut her out of my life for not being there for me. I asked her why she wasn't there for me and why she was ignoring me, she said that she thought I didn't wanna talk. I explained how I was I was lonely and upset and really needed somebody to talk to. Eventually she got the picture when I told her that I tried to help myself by looking on Google cause there was nobody else to turn to. Whenever she felt down or had a problem I would stop doing whatever I was doing to make her feel better. She was celebrating with her family so getting into the course she wanted, but with how I was feeling she couldn't spend an hour listening. So I intended on cutting her out, but I decided I don't want to hurt her, so I'm just gonna distance myself a little..

For the last year or so I feel like I'm bipolar, I'm certain I am, I've read up on it a lot. I think it's time I went to see a doctor because I want my mind to stop thinking, after these last few years I've had enough.. death is the only solution I can think of. I thought I'd seek advice on the internet beforehand. I had a problem like this once before, I decided to go and see a doctor. However when it came down to it my mind went blank and I had no idea what to say or what was wrong and eventually I got over it. Right now I know what is wrong, but if I was to tell my doctor this I think my mind would go completely blank.

I'm sorry, I understand this doesn't make sense.. most of it was rushed and there's not structure in it. I'll clarify anything if need be and I'll be grateful for any advice please.

Thank you

PM me.

Anybody else?

Hey there,

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and if I get off track or I start to make no sense, I am so sorry and just ask me to explain and I hopefully will be able to. Heh.

Anyway, as for your situation, it does sound like a lot to deal with, but you aren't alone, I know sometimes it seems like our friends don't care, but most of the time it just SEEMS like they don't. I've like this numerous times, but it happens. They get busy, and I know you said that you were always there for your friend when she needed it, but didn't your friend say that she was thinking you didn't want to talk? It just sounds like she made a mistake. After you told her, what did she say? Did she try to offer support or what? I don't know your friend personally so I don't know what was going through her mind, but a lot of the time, our friends don't know how to help us, they aren't professionals and sometimes they just don't know what to say. This may or may not be the case, but thinking the worst would just make you feel worse. Maybe try talking to her about what happened again, and if it doesn't go well, just take a break for a while. Sometimes we all need breaks. You know?

Like I said, sometimes our friends can only support us so much, and if you've been struggling a lot, it might be a good idea to talk to a professional about it. Sometimes it really helps to get some insight from a professional who's from outside the situation to shed some light on what's been going on. You said you think you might be bipolar, but self diagnosing isn't always a great idea, so you should look into talking to your doctor about your concerns as well.

As for your career, it does sound disappointing, is there anyway that you can retake the test or the courses that you missed out on? If so, you should try, if not, try looking into some other careers that you might be able to achieve, it's discouraging, but don't let it get you down. So it didn't work out, you just have to pick yourself up and try again, maybe try going for that career, or something else, but either way, you have to try.

I hope I made a bit a of sense, and helped at least a little bit, if you have any questions or need someone to talk to, feel free to message me as well. Good luck and take care!