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Depression, Self Harm, and Suicide Those suffering from depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts can seek help in this forum.

Old 04-02-12, 01:06 PM   #1
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Default Back in depression's grip!

I started the week off feeling ok, or even good. I guess I had been feeling good for a while...

But, I started worrying, and feeling worse and worse as the day went on. In my other post "I'm not Wonderwoman", I explained why (basically, I felt as if everyone puts the blame on me when it's not my responsibility, steals my credit when it is, and essentially treats me like a scapegoat.). And... it's got me feeling down.

As well as some things about my ex...

*Please don't judge me for all of this*

My ex left 8 months ago (june 2, 2011), because we had been fighting a lot (even over small things, a small disagreement would turn into a bloodbath), and... he didn't know why. And I didn't know what to tell him...

I had been upset since month 3 of our relationship (we went out 9 months), because he hadn't kissed me or held my hand (and... he never did). He said he was slow to break in (exact words) because of his ex (she had used him as a makeout buddy to make her ex at the time jealous, and my ex was pretty shook up. Not so much because he was crazy in love or anything, but because they had known each other for years and it hurt him that she would do that). To this day, they still maintain a friendship, and I guess that's ok. They had been friends for like 3 years before they dated (for that whole 3 weeks!), so... I guess it probably shouldn't bug me. But anyway, I digress. I picked fights, said a lot of stuff I really shouldn't have, and tried to break up with him 7 or 8 times. :/ All because I wanted some damn affection!

I was afraid to tell him this though... I felt like he'd take it as I was trying to leave him instead of telling him so he could fix it, or that it would be too complicated...

So, yeah, a whole relationship gone because I couldn't get enough action . I think maybe he had held my hand once... He brushed it and went "Oh my god, you're hands are crazy cold", took them in his, blew on them a lot until they were warm, and... It sucks sometimes to realize you're right... That night was the best night I had ever spent with him. Well, it's been 8 months since we've talked, as I spent the first two or three weeks of the breakup trying to get his attention to explain all this. (Irony kicked my ass.... )

Aside from that is his scout unit. I'm sure they are wonderful gentlemen, but almost all the adults have tattoos (and I hate tattoos because I was molested by a guy with one... I still associate them together. And even therapy has not helped me not to... I just see the people who have them in worse ways than people who don't. [seriously, take a picture of someone with one, then copy it and photoshop it off of him in the copy; I will like the copy, but not the tatted one... even though they are the same person]). It's probably absolutely irrational to be bugged by something like that, I know, but it did, and it still kinda does.

And since I never told him that, my ex has tattoos now too. Got them a month or two ago.

Why do I worry? Because I miss my ex... He was my best friend on the planet, and I miss talking to him, seeing him, making fun of country music with him . I know he's not an evil person, or cruel, so I still think someday he'll calm down enough to let me explain things, and that someday we can be together for real... (though I can't say I will be cool with the tattoos yet :/ [they are bugging me a lot]).

Anyway... I almost feel worse, like I'm gonna be judged or made fun of for keeping this hope so long after the breakup. I'm depressed... or I was. Sharing this has actually made me feel better (as seeing things in writing sometimes does!). I didn't want to eat, or sleep, or do anything at all really. I guess I sort of do now, but it will probably still be a lazy day, lol.

I think I'm feeling a little better just from sharing. WTF? (ummm, I'm new to venting. I just kinda let stuff sit until I have a meltdown (which has happened twice so far...). Huh... I like feeling like I can rant and rave to people I don't know!
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Old 05-02-12, 05:16 PM   #2
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Default Re: Back in depression's grip!

Read your rant gladly

Got no advice to give - I hate advice! - but I really think what you're going through is normal and natural

Totally cool!! x
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Old 05-02-12, 10:33 PM   #3
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Default Re: Back in depression's grip!

Yep it's good just to rant summtimes.

About the ex. Time will eventually heal the wounds. But To be honest it's tough to totally get over people until you fill the empty spot with another friend or gf/bf. So if you arent doing stuff with friends enough try to get out there and do it. Dont just stay at home remembering the "good ole times" which often weren't so good bc of all the fighting and stuff.
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