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Depression, Self Harm, and Suicide Those suffering from depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts can seek help in this forum.

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Old 21-05-12, 07:33 PM   #1
 
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Default My Biggest Regret....

August 13th 2011 -
I was out at a water park with a couple of friends and a cousin. I had a great time. The highlight of the day was getting on the "Sky Coaster". A swing that is nearly 400ft off the ground and swings over a large portion of the theme park. Had to of been the scariest but most fun thing I have ever done. Adrenaline pumping I call my mom and tell her about it. Once I'm off with her I start to scroll through my contacts to my dads number but my friend calls my name and I throw down my phone deciding to call him the next day.

August 14th 2011 -
I wake up tired and sore I started to eat breakfast but my phone starts ringing. My dads girlfriend called me but refused to speak to me. I hand the phone to my mom and get the news I never thought I would hear at this age. My dad had passed away.

That was 9 months ago and I still am kicking myself in the ass for not calling him. For not saying I love you one last time. My dad was only 39. Coroner said he collapsed and died from hardening of the arteries and heart disease. I just hate myself for taking my time with loved ones for granted. My struggles with cutting and pill popping increase dramatically when I get this depressed. Tonight my heart hurts like I have lost my dad all over again.




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Old 21-05-12, 07:39 PM   #2
 
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Default Re: My Biggest Regret....

I'm so sorry to hear that :(
But honestly, as hard as it is you cannot blame yourself. Everything in life is out of controll, we're just pawns. No one knows when something will end or something begin, we just have to go through the motions.

This is why I live by the rule (well, I will someday when I marry, and for now with friends) is the never got to bed mad at each other rule.
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Last edited by DeepDistress; 21-05-12 at 07:40 PM..
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Old 21-05-12, 08:31 PM   #3
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Default Re: My Biggest Regret....

I'm sorry that happened. That's really terrible. :( Don't blame yourself though. Sometimes these things happen and there's nothing you can do about the past. What happened happened and it's best to think about all the good times that you spent with him and how many times that you did. Focus on all the times that you did talk to him and all the times that you. I know how that feels though. I've gone through a similar feeling time and time again. Try not to regret it too much. It wasn't your fault, really.
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Old 21-05-12, 09:03 PM   #4
 
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Default Re: My Biggest Regret....

Regret is an..understandable emotion is this situation. But really, you should cherish the fact that you even had time with him to take for granted. K, now that sounds mean. Let me rephrase that.
You should be happy you were even able to take his presence for granted. You should be happy your father was such a constant in your life up to nine months ago, that you could take him for granted. You know, people don't realize that others don't always get parents that are even there to be taken for granted in the first place.

Really. Your feelings are natural and understandable, but regret won't get you anywhere. Try being thankful for having a parent worth the title of a father. I mean, you can't change the past. If you were in the same situation, you woulda done the same thing. Why? Because you can't predict the future.
There's no shame to be had with your action in that moment.

He loved you, you loved him. Nothing you ever do, did or will do can change that. Never forget that. Because that's all that matters. And no, I don't think that what you did is considered taking someone for granted. Atleast you know your father loved you, and atleast he knew you loved him.

As for the cutting, please get some help. These are serious problems. They deserve to be treated with serious care.
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Old 03-06-12, 10:49 AM   #5
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Default Re: My Biggest Regret....

I am so sorry about your lost. Don't go beating yourself over it.
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Old 03-06-12, 11:51 AM   #6
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Default Re: My Biggest Regret....

I'm so sorry for your loss.
But it's not your fault what happened and you can't keep beating yourself up for what you did or didn't do.

It happened, it's in the past. Have you spoken to a grievance counselor about this? I think it could help you quite a bit. They are help you learn to let go and remind you that you don't need to continuously feel guilty for it. I think they'd also teach you coping skills that help you learn how to cope with loss without turning to cutting or overdosing. Because in the end, it's not really worth it... and you'd only be hurting everyone that you love the same way that the loss of your dad has hurt you.









*Oh, and btw, I DO throw rage fits.
If I get overly aggressive at you, just ignore me.

Overall, if you need help, please feel free to ask me for it.
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Old 03-06-12, 02:29 PM   #7
 
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Default Re: My Biggest Regret....

Just remember that your dad has always loved you and he always knew you loved him. There's no reason to be sad that he died unexpectedly, you should be happy that the wonderful memories you shared with him will be with you forever.
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Old 04-06-12, 02:18 AM   #8
 
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Default Re: My Biggest Regret....

I'm very sorry for your loss. I truly am. I wish I could say I know how that feels but I don't. All I can suggest is distractions. Whenever I get really depressed I watch comedy movies, even if I don't laugh. It's not like it makes me feel worse. And I knit. It keeps my hands busy and stops me from wanting to hurt myself.

PM me if you need someone just to chat to or any advice <3








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Old 04-06-12, 07:44 PM   #9
 
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Default Re: My Biggest Regret....

Thank you so much for the condolences you guys. Most days I can get past this regret. I don't think I will ever truly be able to let go of it but I get a little closer everyday. I try to remind myself that he did hear my last words. I wrote a poem the night he died when I couldn't sleep. I had it read at his funeral and I personally folded it up and put it in his shirt pocket. So I just tell myself that he heard me and my words are with him. Its just that some nights I am weak and I cry. But... my bad habits aren't as easy for me to give into anymore. Mainly because I see my dads face every time I am about to do something stupid and I feel guilty.

Ms. Relativity - I would never ask anyone to shoulder this pain. I know it was a figure of speech but I hope you don't have to understand this pain till your parents are a ripe old age. Thank you though for your sympathy and your kind words.




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