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Depression, Self Harm, and Suicide Those suffering from depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts can seek help in this forum.

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Old 28-06-17, 04:59 PM   #1
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Name: Taylor
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Default I need help...

Hi guys. My name is Taylor and I'm new to the site. I'm here because I need help. I'm struggling, and my entire life has gone to Hell. In the past year, I've tried to kill myself multiple times, but now it's back and worse than ever. I'm going to give you a run down of everything that's happened since like, September 2016, in the hopes that at least one of you will be able to help me...

I live in the UK, and in September last year, I got taken away from my mother, stepfather and brothers, because my stepdad had been sexually, mentally, verbally and physically abusing me for over 10 years and I finally got the courage up to tell someone. I was 17 then. I got put in foster care, and for a while things were OK. It was only after Christmas that I started to feel really angry and empty all the time. I used to get mad at my foster carers for nothing, and then I'd self harm and try to kill myself. At the time, I was having a lot of panic attacks and passing out, and I kept passing out at college one day so they called an ambulance. My foster carers effectively locked me up for a week and took my phone so I couldn't let any of my friends know what was happening. Anyway, the day after the ambulance was called, I tried to kill myself. I wrapped every item of clothing around my face and tied stuff around my neck to try and kill myself. One of my carers walked in and stopped it, but I ended up in hospital because of it. After that, things were still bad for a while but they started getting better around February this year.

My best friend made me download a lesbian dating app called 'Her', and I matched with this girl called Sophie who only lived an hour and a half away from me (better than the other side of the world like my ex), and we started talking. She came down to my city for a concert and we started dating. I love her. I have for months, and she said she loved me too, but she broke up with me last week. Her reason was that her head is really fucked up and she doesn't want to hurt me any more than she already has by pushing me away. We are still friends, and she says that we can get back together when she's better if I still want to, but her head is really fucked up. She's cutting and taking tons of diet pills, and she doesn't need them. She was only 7 stone when I met her, and she's 20... I'm spending so much time still worrying about her, because we go to the same theatre group so I stay at her house every Thursday to Sunday. I was actually at her house a few days ago. She wanted to go out clubbing with some of our friends, so she did. I forgot my passport for ID so I stayed at her house. Now, she gets really emotional when she gets drunk, even though she's the last thing from a lightweight you would ever see, so I decided to stay up until she got back to make sure she was OK. I got tons of nasty texts from her phone telling me to 'back the fuck off', and 'go die in a hole' and I thought they were here at the time so I was really upset. She was still sober when she got back with our friend Joe and her other friend, so I asked her about it and was really angry, but it turned out that other people had been on her phone all night so she couldn't text me to tell me how she really felt (her friend didn't like me). So I apologised for overreacting and we went to bed. She felt uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed last week, so she made me sleep in the bed while she slept downstairs on the couch; she can be the most stubborn person I've ever met. It was around 6 in the morning when we all went to bed, so I fell asleep right away. I woke up around 9 because I heard screaming downstairs. It was her friend, saying that I was a psycho and she was going to kill me. I locked the bedroom door and went back to sleep. I woke up again in mid afternoon and went downstairs to get a drink and when I got into the kitchen someone pushed me and pinned me to the floor and started cutting my wrist up with a knife. It was her friend, and she was going to kill me, but Sophie's dog bit her and I managed to get up and hit her. The only reason I'm alive rn is that dog. Sophie doesn't know and I'm not planning on telling her; they've been best friends for 15 years and I know her friend will say that I'm lying so I'm not putting me and Sophie in that much risk...

On 17th May, my little foster brother died. He was five years old. True, he did have severe disabilities (couldn't walk well or talk or anything) but he was really getting better. He went to a special place to help improve, and he was starting to run around and talk clearly and stuff like that, and then suddenly I got home one day and nobody else was there. I don't have a house key so I had to sit outside in the rain for four hours. I was really angry when one of my carers got home, but she told me about Connor and I understood that she'd just driven from the other side of the country after going to visit him. It broke me. I was closer to him than I ever was to any of my birth family. It was his funeral this past Wednesday. It was a beautiful service but it's hard and I'm struggling.

As well as a life time of abuse by my stepdad, I also got raped when I was 5. I recently got back in touch with my auntie and uncle, and my mother's side of the family (she cut them off years ago), and me and Sophie went to the coast with them. On the way back, we were looking at old baby photos of me and my biological brother. We didn't know who his father was, so as a joke I asked my auntie if she knew, and she said we all had the same dad. I know my real dad, so I thought she meant him, but she didn't. She meant the father of the guy who raped me. It turned out that my mum slept with his dad, had him and then dumped him with his dad before I was born, and that guy's dad is my real dad. Which comes as a real shock, because I thought he was only a friend...

Please guys. I need help...
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Old 28-06-17, 06:18 PM   #2
 
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Default Re: I need help...

Terrible to read how things happened in your life so far.

But I'm a bit helpless, what to recommend in your case. Or what kind of advice you expect.
In such cases, I usually recommend consulting a very expierienced psychologist, who isn't known for judging people and such.

Or at least speaking to someone you can trust and who's willing to listen.

In most cases, just listening is more than you can expect.

Not everyone has the skill to listen without giving you an(often helpless) advice, which is well intentioned, but basically doesn't help much because the person simply doesn't understand your probs want or doesn't want to understand'em, because your probs propably just demand too much of that person.


But just listening helps more often than just hearing the same advices after every time you come up with a prob.

Don't give up hope.
Just move on.
Look into the future, and forget what the past. And everything will be fine.

And this blahblahblah.
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Old 29-06-17, 01:12 AM   #3
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Default Re: I need help...

I'd definitely recommend a therapist, just some who you can talk to professionally, who will be unbiased, and not question what you say in a judging manner (some people may say "I like the guy who raped me" - and friends/family generally judge people for that).

Try and keep in touch with Sophie, if not for you but for her. Even if you're going through hell, helping someone else out of a rut can help you too, and who knows, in a year's time, she'll be doing well, and you two will be dating again as a "normal" couple, and you'll start feeling better about yourself in the process.

Losing a friend or family member (whether biological or foster) can really hit you hard, and if you start to see a therapist, then they can help with this too. With death (and any trauma really) there's the "7 stages of grief", so expect for the next few weeks to years (it varies from person to person) that you will feel shocked (possibly still in this stage), hurt, angry, and upset about your foster brother's death, but know it's totally normal.

If you want to vent and get something off your chest, but don't feel ready for a therapist, my inbox is always open. I may not be able to give you the best advice, but I can certainly listen.
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Old 20-11-17, 08:10 AM   #4
 
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Name: Julie
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Default Re: I need help...

First, I am very sad for what has happened to you, but there ways where you can get help and since you are in the UK, so much the better.

For a start there is Childline: https://www.childline.org.uk/ < Their phone number will not show up on your parent's phone bill. Also maybe in your circumstances Childline could direct you to a doctor. Call 0800 1111 or contact them online, any time. They are absolutely brilliant in their help for young people - whatever age - they could help you get past this hell.

I have used Childline when I was in crisis and they helped me every step of the way..

You don't state your age, but if you are 16 or over, you are entitiled to see a doctor and consent to your own treatment in the NHS, and they would be able to refer you to a psychotherapist or a counsellor for a course of sessions. Counsellors are very good, and can give you a feeling of trust, so a good patient relationship can be built up.

There seems to be tremendous help and encouragement being offered by senior forum staff, so do contact them if need be. You remain in my thoughts.

Julie




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Last edited by Princesa; 20-11-17 at 08:12 AM.. Reason: typo
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