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And I know it. And I think my little brother (aged 12) knows it, or has that idea. And my mum doesn't. I just don't know what to do. What's the right thing to do?

It started like this. It sounds so pathetic but it's big in my head.

I saw my dad on match.com. I thought, owell, he probably just doesn't understand what it is, and thought nothing of it, but then my brother told me that he'd seen that he had a profile, and I thought, what? If my brother's getting worried, then I should be, and so I made an account and tried to find his. I did.

It was the typical profile I guess, he said he was separated but had kids that lived with him from time to time. He was looking for everything that my mum wasn't. What I saw wasn't enough so I did some snooping in the history and managed to get into his account.

I know it was so wrong to do that but I didn't know what to do.

Logged into his account, I found hundreds of messages that he had sent to and received from women, one woman in particular who he appeared to be meeting. It made sense. He'd been out a lot in the evenings visiting 'friends'.

I kept it quiet for a couple of months, purely because I didn't know what to do. Then it kinda just came out when I was with a friend. She didn't know what to do either. We haven't talked about it since.

What do I do now? I'm worried about my brother. He's 12, young and naive. He shouldn't have to be worrying about these things. I caught him looking for the profile himself with the door closed. And then my dad. I can't express my anger with him. I swear my mum knows but I just don't want to be the one to make it real to her. My family always seemed 'normal' growing up; I guess I didn't think it would happen to me. Now I don't know what to do. I'm sick of the lies & feeling like I'm to blame for them all.

What do I do?


PS I'm sorry for the essay.

If I were in your situation I would take copies of those messages, maybe print screen them and save them to your computer and print out copies.
Then I'd show them to your mother. The way I see it, hiding it from your mother is helping your dad get away with it. If either of my parents were cheating and I found out then I'd bring it to their attention ASAP.

If you're sick of the lies, then expose the truth. Either that or you could confront your dad about it, but make sure you have evidence of what he's being doing before doing that and then hide said evidence so he can't find it - because he could always go and delete the stuff on the computer.

But I think it's a better idea to just break it to your mother, and show here the evidence. You may not want to tell her, but someones gotta do it because clearly your dad won't ever tell her.

It's just like if I saw my best friends boyfriend cheating on her behind her back, I would tell her. It's more than likely she'll find out, and it'll be worse if she finds out for herself and then finds out I knew all a long and didn't tell her. And actually that did happen to me once, and my friend was pissed at me and almost never talked to me again.

The right thing to do is to tell her and show her proof (she may not believe you otherwise).

^ What she said. Print, expose, tell your mom. It's not fair to your mom in the first place, then her own kids not telling her...? makes it worse. Sure it's hard but she DESERVES to know.

And spit on your father for me, would you please.

Little white flowers will never awaken you, not when the cold depths have all but overtaken you.

Dearest, The days are all so long,
and in the shadows I spend them all.
My heart and I long for slumber.
Slumber I'm caressing you, I bless your touch, I lust for you.
Slumber you are not a dream, Not as much as you seem.
- Joao <3

I would but I really don't want to make him angry. He's got some temper on him. I feel sorry for the woman as well. She hasn't got a clue that he's still married. :/ I feel like I have to think of her too. And my mum just.. Idk how she'd cope. I wouldn't care if my parents split up To be honest. It wouldn't affect me. I'm worried about how it would affect her & my brother & the income and all that. I don't know if we'd cope as well without the financial support from him. Am I being selfish? :/ I'm just trying to think of everything. The pros, the cons. Mmmidk. I just can't even imagine telling my mum..

Oh, Christina, what an awful thing for you to know! I won't go into '"You shouldn't have snooped' b/c, well, you already did and your worst fears were realized. So, the cat's ou tof the bag, that train has left the station, that horse has been stolen. However...

Family secrets are always always always always destructive. So, the issue here isn't if you tell or who you tell...but how you tell and when.

The goal here isn't to be mean and vindicative and get dad in trouble, nor is it to necessarily give your mom some important info or protect your innocent younger brother (who, by dint of his snooping isn't so innocent, btw).

No, the goal is to unburden yourself of having to keep such a huge secret.

So, nothing provocative or antagonistic, that's the last thing you want to do here. Besides, the info is explosive enough as it is, no add'l drama is necessary.

Here's whatIi would do if I were in your situation: I'd find some time (and courage!) to talk with dad and let him know you know he's on Match.com and what's going on. And, you don't want confirmation from him, nor an explanation/excuse/rationalization for his behavior..make that clear...that what you want is for him to tell your mother...or to tell you that she's consenting to this, that she agrees with what he's doing. If not, let him know hearing this from him is the best way of this happening. Then, get up and leave.

This is really an issue btw'n them, not you. Unfortunately, you've involved yourself by finding out. But, your responsibility here is really limited to shining a light on your knowing, as well as illuminating the correct response on his part to your mom...with a very vague illusion to what might happen if he doesn't.

Try that..or if you're not ready to, let's practice what you might say and what his probable response might be so this goes well..or as best as we can expect.


Yuck...

Thanks Sam, I need to think about it. :') I've had it in the back of my mind for a while but I guess it's easy when you don't think about it.

It doesn't sound silly at all, it's very serious. Well, she's your mother and you should be concerned about your family, when my parents broke up my father was cheating on my mom and I know it can take a very long time until the divorce stuff's over if she decides to leave him, but it's probably better that way. It's not easy but I don't think it's a decision either, if you don't tell her you're betraying her confidence, on the moment you choose to find the truth by entering his account it became your responsibility.
If you're willing o let her know without making you father angry at you you could send it as an anonymous email, like a friend who saw his profile. I don't know, I think I've watched too much Desperate Housewives.

oh this is horrible :( i'm sorry.. i know how it feels since i was in the same situation...
for me, I didnt do anything. I knew my mom was cheating, but i didnt say anything..but i regret it. I think the opposite spouse should have the right to know. So, yea, i would show your mom the messages and keep an eye on your brother and make sure he's doing fine. It can be really emotionally damaging. If you need someone to talk to, you can always message me..

hope you'll be fine

If you want to think of this woman now, just send a message from your dad's profile saying "Hey, this is ___ daughter. I don't really know how to tell you this, but he's still married." Explain how you found out, and so on. Then she'll deal with him and your father will know your aware, and hopefully talk to you about it or realize that you know about and not do it again. If that's not enough, tell your mom. But no matter what, I feel you can't let this go on. The longer it does the more it's going to hurt the family when things get too much with your dad and this woman. Plus, things with your dad and mom obviously need to be addressed. And that won't happen with everyone ignoring this.

Thread is 7 months old now.

Closed.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
- Washington Irving