I'm 15 and alot has happened in my life. I know my life isn't as bad as some peoples but i feel like i cant talk to anyone about my problems either because they dont have time, dont want to listen or just dont understand when i do tell them. I dont know if i'm in the right place but one of my friends suggested i talked to other people online with same or similar issues or anyone with advice.
In November last year everything just got to much and i started cutting myself every day of the week. I done it for 9 months and have only just been able to in a way stop but am replacing it with elastic bands instead.
My brother is nearly 18 now and he has Asperger's Syndrome and therefore on the Autistic Spectrum. Me and my whole family have found it incredibly hard as he used to be quite violent towards us. I used to get hit most days and shouted at not just by my brother but my dad as well. My brother used to say he was going to kill me and still comes right up to me and shouts in my face which can be quite upsetting at times if i'm honest. He can still be quite aggressive towards us especially me because he thinks that because he's older than me he can tell me what to do and that i should do everything he says. Mum and dad dont agree but they dont say anything to him because even trying to have a normal conversation it ends in an argument. When my mum and dad do try and talk he usually shouts, swears, slams doors and its horrible for me to watch. Mum tells me to just ignore it but it's quite hard to and sometimes i am so scared i sit there just shaking, in fear i suppose. One time when dad was at work my brother tried to push my mum down the stairs and then 15 minutes later i could hear mum crying so i went upstairs to find her and she looked so scared. Mum and dad have tried to get as much help for him as possible, such as in 2008 going to CAMS where they help people surrounding their mental health and behaviour issues. I used to go as well as it was mainly for my brother but for the whole family as well to try and help him as best as we could. It was hard to even get him out of the house and he missed 6 weeks of school and only went in for the last 2 days before he broke up between the end of middle school and the start of upper school. Since my brother had to watch a film at school he wont go in open spaces and wont look at the sky at all. He wont travel on buses, aeroplanes pretty much anything apart from cars but until recently he wouldn't even go in a car. Even now 4 years on from getting help for him sometimes he still holds onto me when walking down the path and people just look at you like you've done something wrong even some people have come up to me and said why's he holding onto you thats stupid nothings going to happen to him. Its easy enough for them to say that but they dont know what he's thinking inside. Remembering back to my early childhood alls I remember is getting hit and at lower school refusing to do swimming because of the bruises i had up my arms and i didnt know what to say if my teachers saw so i used to say i didn't feel well or something to avoid being questioned. I used to cry every night and used to wake up to my brother and dad shouting or doors slamming. I was only about 6 or 7 so it was quite scary. I used to put a chair up against my door and put books and boxes on it to stop my brother being able to get in but even when i done this i didnt feel safe at all. I remember the one time when i thought i was going to be okay and didnt put anything up against my door and i woke up screaming in pain from where my brother had put metal pins actually into my arms. He used to bang on the door saying if you dont open the door i'm going to kill you and i used to jump up and go out of the window onto the roof. It was a really low roof and i remember jumping off it and running down the garden and over the back fence and just running as fast as possible as i could. Other times depending on where my brother was i would hide in the understairs cupboard or run to the back door and if i had time lock it. My teacher at upper school put on the same film and started saying are you scared of it like your brother dont cry and used to say it infront on the class. It upset me because he shouldn't have said it and he doesn't know everything about whats happened to do with my brother. On the 19th July 2008 my brothers best friend who i used to speak to every day died in a car crash. Both me and my brother miss him alot and my great nan also died in 2008. My brothers behaviour got alot worse as he was worrying about who he could speak to at upper school if he had any problems as he trusted his best friend but unfortunately could no longer speak to him. My uncle committed suicide when i was younger and i have no contact with my cousins and have no aunty's. My other uncle lives in Wales and had a stroke a few years ago and again recently. Its sad when he phones up and asks to speak to mum but doesn't remember who i am. He became homeless and was living in a tent after my uncle and aunty divorced. He now has a flat and because he cant find a job he gets £12 a week for all food and anything else he needs which isn't enough. He used to be in the army but had to give it up as he got shot in the back. My grandad had a heart attack last year. My other great nan died in January this year and my great grandad when i was about 6. My best friend who i knew all the way through lower school moved to Devon in Year 5 and i've only seen her twice since because of the distance i/she has to travel. Then in Year 8 my new best friend and i had a fallout which involved most of the year as my new close friends were trying to protect me because she wanted a fight. Teachers were obviously involved and in the end it was sorted out. We speak to eachother now and again but were not best friends which to be honest i think is best for both of us to start a fresh. In year 7 i got bullied by an older student and nearly got taken out of school. My brother at this time wouldnt eat the insides of any food as he thought he was going to choke and dropped to a dangerously low weight which was upsetting for my whole family to see the bad way he was in. He's alot better now.
When i was 8 everything at home was getting worse and i started to go out more and got in alot of trouble. I pretty much lived at my friends a few houses down the road at one time there was 15 of us living in a 3 bed house. It was really cramped and i slept on the floor and in one room there was 5 girls and then the other room 8 boys and then the last room my friends parents. I didnt see my family that much but when i did it was just arguments again. I felt guilty for leaving them but it was like an escape going to my friends and her parents understood and allowed me to stay there. It was like a second home and some aspects of it were alot more dangerous but strangely at the same time i felt alot safer and more protected. As there was alot of us we used to take it in turns to wash up, dry up, hoover, bath the dog, make tea, go shopping, cook dinner, iron, look after the baby and toddler etc. We also took it in turns to look after her dad who was diabetic and has unfortunately lost both his legs and now lives in a bungalow. He got divorced a couple of years ago and in 2009 i moved house. I still see my friend at school but not as much and she now lives in a flat with her mum. I did get into alot of trouble with the police whilst i lived at my friends. Nearly all of them were older than me and all the boys smoked weed including one of them who was a drug dealer. One time he told me to run when the police came and instantly i just did. I look back on it now and just think why? and i think i was more scared than anything. It was bad in a way for me being such a young age already getting into trouble with the police. I used to go down the park with them whilst they were smoking and drinking and i was easily influenced. I dropped out of college this year because i took drugs whilst i was at college twice and needed to get myself out of that situation so it didnt happen again. I also got burnt and pushed infront of cars and buses but they said they were sorry so i believed them and just moved on. Now I just do whatever they tell me to do because i'm scared of what their going to do to me if their going to hurt me or not because i know know they wouldn't think twice about doing something to seriously injure/hurt me.
I have been feeling really low and in January tried to kill myself along with many other times since then as well. Since my mum and dad found out i've been taking drugs and self harming at first they would not stop shouting at me and now when i mention it they say they dont want to talk about it dont ever be that stupid again. My mum also went through everything in my room when she promised me she didnt go in there and found everything i wrote from what was in my diary to poetry about how i was feeling which no one should have ever seen unless i felt like i could trust them and show them. I had counselling at school but i stopped it because it was making me worse as some of the things she said make me feel bad and like it was all my fault. I've been to the doctors and i just feel like i'm being judged all the time for what i've done. My head of year who's the only person i feel i can 100% trust at the moment referred me to CAMS where my brother went and the first time i admit i wasnt completely honest, the second time i told them everything and they said they were going to think of ways to help me and the third time was the last because they said they didnt really know why i was there when i told them all of the above?! at one time she said is this even true, alots happened. It took me alot of courage to even tell her as i hadnt built up trust with her like i had with my head of year and that was only the second time i met her. But just as i felt i was getting somewhere my head of year changes in September so once again i feel like i have no one to talk to. It was hard to even speak to anyone at school because my mum worked there so i havent told anyone for years as everything i said would get back to her. Its taken me a while to even build up the courage to put this on here where everyone can see it. I dont have a very good relationship with my dad and never have done as one time when i was younger he just stood there and watched my brother hit me and didnt do anything even though i was in so much pain. I always think how can he do that? and i have never forgiven him even with the amount of times he's said sorry. He did say what can i do to make you happier and i said just being there for my 16th birthday would mean alot to me but he's not going to be there and neithers my brother so its just me and mum which is a bit annoying but i suppose its just the way life goes. I have also been in and out of hospital for various things, going to physio every 2 weeks and the school nurse every monday. I had about 17 exams from the very end of may till the middle of june and theres been alot of pressure. I see and hear voices alot as well and it can be quite frightening and its like i cant control what i do or say when it happens .I am also getting told alot to eat more because i dont eat enough but every time i do eat something i just feel sick. I've been to the doctors about it and she said to maybe eat fruit as it might help but i cant eat any raw fruit or nuts as i'm allergic to it so i have a very limited amount of food and drinks i can have :/ and she didnt know what to suggest. I also have a Vitamin B12 deficiency and when the results from the blood test came through she was really shocked because she has never seen it in a child before and she said she would contact us but she hasnt since April :/
I would love to hear from other people who have been through the same or similar as me who would understand and i could maybe talk to them. I believe that sometimes people have to go through it for people to understand but maybe im wrong i dont know. Everything is starting to get worse again and alls i want is for someone to listen and to understand what ive been through and what i am also going through.
Thankyou for taking time to read this i really appreciate it