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Old 21-07-18, 04:17 PM   #1
My Mood:  Confuzzled
 
Name: Sally Lopez
Gender: Female
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: Ontario
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Exclamation I need help ASAP. I would like to move in with my Father.

Hello, I've been searching the internet for people in the same situation as me in hopes of finding advice, but there seems to be no one. I genuinely didn't want to end up sharing my life story on the internet, but I have nowhere to turn at this point.

My parents split approximately this time last year, and ever since then, my life has taken a bit of a downward spiral. My Father has always been a working man and gave his all to support us running his business while my family was still together, but my mom didn't like the fact that he wasn't always doing stuff with us. Not to my surprise, after a weekend away with one of my close friends last summer she told me that my Dad was moving out and they were getting a divorce. At first, I wasn't mad at all. I completely understood my parent's situation, and I viewed this as a new life with no negativity or yelling parents. Sigh. I was wrong.

About 2 weeks after my dad moved out, my mom's new boyfriend moved in. Yes, a whole 2 weeks. This infuriated both me and my 12-year-old brother, and my mom has always used the excuse "I was unhappy for 13 years in that marriage". The first month or so was fine with me, I did my best to respect both my mom and her boyfriend (Let's call him Carl) and this worked for a while. On the other hand, my brother (Let's call him Kim) would get in regular verbal fights with Carl and it quickly escalated to Kim punching Carl. Carl never fights back, but regularly yells at my brother calling him profane nicknames. Carl also always likes to mention how I don't have friends over at our house, but every time I have had one visit he screams at Kim. It's been hard keeping a decent social life.

Ever since Carl has been in my Mother's life, he has influenced her in a negative way. Me and my Mom used to get along wonderfully. I could talk to her about anything that was bothering me. Now, it feels as if she and Carl have trapped themselves away in their own little bubble - I can't talk to her or have any decent conversation unless Carl isn't home. I genuinely miss the way my mother was before all this happened. Carl essentially treats both me and my brother as if we're just burdens in the way of getting to my mom. I have attempted talking to them about how I feel a grand total of 1 time - this ended up in me literally getting verbally assaulted for a good 10 minutes, almost going deaf in one ear, getting avoided for 2 days until I "apologized to them", and then having to treat them like royalty all over again. In addition to all of this on the less important side, Carl started "renovating" our house. This began by tearing half of my room away and not patching up the giant gaping hole of drywall left behind. It's been four months. I've always prided myself on keeping a nice-looking room that I could practice piano and study quietly in, but now all I have left is enough room reasonable for a bed and a dresser. It's crowded and I barely have room for my belongings. Carl has also taken off my bedroom door twice and locked my bathroom. Is it just me, or is a 15-year-old female with no privacy for getting dressed a little odd? He has also locked up half of the rooms in our home (including rooms with some of my father's belongings that he would like back). I just wanted to live a positive life with my new "step-dad" and my mother.

I understand that I am a teenager and stereotyped as "lazy, ungrateful and parent-hating". Throughout my life, I have always been praised for being mature and a great student - but all of my motivation for this went away a little while after Carl scraped away a spot into my life. It got to a point in May of this year where I was admitted into a counseling regime to help me with my depression and really terrifying suicidal thoughts. Reflecting on what I have experienced a throughout my life in the past few years, I don't feel like living with my Mother and Carl is healthy for me.

Visiting my Dad and staying at his apartment is like a safe haven for me. I am treated with respect and unconditional love, and I can talk to him can talk about anything. My mom thinks the only reason I care for my dad and his apartment is because he "buys me things" and lets me "do whatever I want with no consequences". I still have to cook and clean up after people and work for what I want. The only difference is that I feel comfortable and genuinely loved when I am there.

My dad has brought up the option for me to live with him, as he is getting a new house very soon. I really would like to take this opportunity, but there are a variety of factors keeping me from doing so:

- I wouldn't be living with my little brother anymore.
- My Mom might somewhat disown me.
- I might propose this idea to my mom and her boyfriend and I will get screamed at, blamed and ridiculed. I am also scared to even bring it up.
- I would miss my Mother.
- I wouldn't be living with my cats.

These are literally the only things keeping me from asking my Mother and Carl. I need some advice very soon, as my Mom and Dad are getting a final separation agreement next month and my grade 10 year starts around the same time as that. My birthday is also in 3 days. I would like to start fresh this incoming school year if this is a good idea.

Thank you for reading.

Last edited by slope74; 21-07-18 at 04:31 PM.. Reason: small typo
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Old 21-07-18, 06:49 PM   #2
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Name: Mindy
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Default Re: I need help ASAP. I would like to move in with my Father.

Carl sounds like a real asshole, just saying. He's the kind of guy who's all nice and friendly at first until he gets a foot in the door and then, once he gets comfortable, he starts changing things and expecting everyone else to just bend to his will. Your mom sounds like she's stubbornly determined to spiral down the drain with him without thinking. I don't know if she's doing this as some kind of backlash because of the breakup with your dad (I mean, 2 weeks and she's got a new guy??). In any case, she can do what she wants, but dragging you and your brother down with her isn't fair. The fact that Carl removed your bedroom door is insane. I mean, what's that about?? I wouldn't even feel safe with that going on.
If your dad is willing to let you live with him, you should do it. If your concerned about your brother I'd suggest bringing him along too. Ask your dad if that would be okay. I'm sure your dad would be happy to have both his kids with him. And I doubt Carl would have a problem with it since he doesn't get along with your bro anyway. As far as your mom disowning you, honestly if she can't be reasoned with she's already writing herself out of this picture. Who cares what she thinks? She obviously doesn't care what you think since she brought all this crap into your life without discussing it with you first.
As far as bringing it up to your mom and/or Carl, why not ask your dad to bring it up? If your dad has as much right to having you live with him as your mom does, she has no right to stop you. If you're concerned about missing your mother, that's a matter that's up to her to fix. If she cares about you she would do something about finding a reasonable balance with things as they are. If she's unwilling, there's nothing else to be done until the inevitable outcome of her realizing what a dick Carl is. I don't know if you could just take your cats with you. I don't know if there will be any discussion of custody when your parents get their final separation agreement. But, reading between the lines I'd say your mom may have known Carl before the breakup and may have contributed to it. In any case I see no reason why your dad would have any problem getting custody if your situation with your mom is proving to be so difficult.
Talk to your dad, he'll have more info and input on this. he seems intelligent and well-grounded. I hope this works out for you and that he can offer some further advice.
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Last edited by RedGirl; 21-07-18 at 06:52 PM..
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Old 21-07-18, 07:36 PM   #3
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Name: Sally Lopez
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Default Re: I need help ASAP. I would like to move in with my Father.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RedGirl View Post
Carl sounds like a real asshole, just saying. He's the kind of guy who's all nice and friendly at first until he gets a foot in the door and then, once he gets comfortable, he starts changing things and expecting everyone else to just bend to his will. Your mom sounds like she's stubbornly determined to spiral down the drain with him without thinking. I don't know if she's doing this as some kind of backlash because of the breakup with your dad (I mean, 2 weeks and she's got a new guy??). In any case, she can do what she wants, but dragging you and your brother down with her isn't fair. The fact that Carl removed your bedroom door is insane. I mean, what's that about?? I wouldn't even feel safe with that going on.
If your dad is willing to let you live with him, you should do it. If your concerned about your brother I'd suggest bringing him along too. Ask your dad if that would be okay. I'm sure your dad would be happy to have both his kids with him. And I doubt Carl would have a problem with it since he doesn't get along with your bro anyway. As far as your mom disowning you, honestly if she can't be reasoned with she's already writing herself out of this picture. Who cares what she thinks? She obviously doesn't care what you think since she brought all this crap into your life without discussing it with you first.
As far as bringing it up to your mom and/or Carl, why not ask your dad to bring it up? If your dad has as much right to having you live with him as your mom does, she has no right to stop you. If you're concerned about missing your mother, that's a matter that's up to her to fix. If she cares about you she would do something about finding a reasonable balance with things as they are. If she's unwilling, there's nothing else to be done until the inevitable outcome of her realizing what a dick Carl is. I don't know if you could just take your cats with you. I don't know if there will be any discussion of custody when your parents get their final separation agreement. But, reading between the lines I'd say your mom may have known Carl before the breakup and may have contributed to it. In any case I see no reason why your dad would have any problem getting custody if your situation with your mom is proving to be so difficult.
Talk to your dad, he'll have more info and input on this. he seems intelligent and well-grounded. I hope this works out for you and that he can offer some further advice.
Thank you very much for your response. I completely understand your recommendation to bring my sibling with me and to ask my father to talk to my mother about this, but both of those possibilities are unfortunately out of the question. My dad is a rather laid-back individual, and I appreciate when me and my brother stay with him for short periods of time, but Kim is a very problematic 12-year-old. My dad has a hard time handling him, and as much as I would love for him to live with me at my Dad's, his negative attitude towards my mom and her boyfriend would grow deadly. My father has also mentioned how he would be most comfortable with only me living with him for the time being as I am the older of the two of us and he is usually busy with work (this means he wouldn't be able to provide structure). I have accepted the fact that I may not always be with my brother, but I can always contact him via video games and texting.

As for getting my talk to talk to my mother about this situation, she does not listen to anything he has to say and they are not comfortable talking in-person. He has communicated with my mother on several occasions regarding me, and all he receives is negative backlash. I

I have talked to my dad about this many-a-times and have come to the conclusion that I would like to propose the idea of moving in with him to my mother and her boyfriend, but I just need a simple way as to how. I don't know how to approach her.

Thank you again!
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Old 21-07-18, 09:47 PM   #4
 
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Name: Liam
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Default Re: I need help ASAP. I would like to move in with my Father.

After the divorce of my parents, I also had some difficulties living with Mom. There was a fight every day. And war really describes it best.

The difference, though, is that I coped very well with her new boyfriend, but less with Mom. For me, it was like she had totally changed or such.

One day I simply told her that I had talked to Dad, who agreed that I could live with him.

Although my mother was offended, like me, she was tired of our daily quarrels, so she agreed a few days later.

I don't know if I can recommend this to you, after all, your relationship with your mom is obviously more cordial than mine to my mother, but maybe you can still be inspired by it in any way.

Good luck.
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