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General Help and Advice Forum Seek advice on general life issues and frustrations.

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Old 14-01-12, 10:46 AM   #1
 
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Default Mom's boyfriend

hey guys i just wanted some advice. i'm a 16 year old girl and about 3 or 4 years ago my parents got divorced. it was sudden and very messy, they had been drifting apart for a while but i think my mom had been cheating with my tennis coach which finally pushed her to leave him. one day i just had to pack some clothes and we stayed in a hotel for a few nights while my dad moved out because he was really angry. we stayed with my tennis coach, who my mom claimed was her friend helping her through it. ever since, he just lived with us, and she never formally introduced him as her boyfriend. the divorce went horribly-everything from my dad taking me and my brother's and my college fund to putting her boyfriend in jail. there was so much fighting and it even interfered with my school. i had to go to court and testify last summer which was terrifying. i dont see my dad ever because that's what the courts decided and what my mom wanted, i didn't want to let her down by saying i wanted to see him. even though he's done bad things to us, i think hes my dad and i should see him. we lost all our money and had to leave our multi million dollar house, i had 2 weeks notice and my mom bought a small townhouse in a not as nice area. i left all my friends and started at a new school where i didn't know anyone. 2 christmases ago, her boyfriend gave her an engagement ring and proposed. it killed me. i really don't like him and he's said horrible things to me, like blaming me for us losing our money and saying i dont treat my mom right. he tried kicking me out. ive had to go to court ordered therapists and stuff to make sure i was ok, but i can't really talk to them or my friends because im afraid rumors will spread. since the weekend her boyfriend moved in, ive had to hear them have sex often. i was only in middle school and it was so confusing for me, and its made it really difficult for me to trust guys or have romantic relationships with them. i go to parties and hook up with guys and just want to get drunk to stop hurting so much. my mom has been saving up her money and bought a house closer to our old area for us to move to, because she still works there. she wants us to move there and live with her and her now husband. (a few months ago she said she was going on a business trip and came back married). i just want my old life back and to stop being so sad and alone, and maybe i could forgive my mom and live in the new house with her. i asked to just for the next 2 years before i go to college to ask my step dad not to live with us, i really can't stand him anymore. i never got time with my mom to just get over the divorce and be alone, and i can't hear them have sex and be embarrassed to have my friends over anymore. she said if i dont want to live with my step dad then im not living with her, and it really hurts me that she'd choose him over me. what do i do? do i talk to her about the sex? to i move into the new house? im just not really close to her anymore and ive isolated myself. i miss my old friends and having money, as shallow as that sounds. its been a really hard past few years, but she thinks its selfish of me to ask him to leave because 'i want her to be alone.' he has ruined tennis for me and everything i once cared about. ive gotten anxiety from it and my grades have gone down, i can never focus. if it becomes known that im unhappy she'll lose child support and we'll have even less money, so i don't think i can move in with my dad. he's pretty horrible and his girlfriends keep contacting me. i just want some kind of help or advice please without any judgement? thanks sorry this is so long i tried to shorten the story as much as i could.
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Old 14-01-12, 11:25 AM   #2
 
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Default Re: Mom's boyfriend

You should really talk to someone about this. Firstly, talk to your mom about the sex. It's really inappropriate for you to be hearing that, and even she should understand that. If anything, when you hear it, just knock on the door. You don't have to go in, or even stay standing there waiting for them to answer. It just gives them an idea that you can hear it. If they continue to do so, I'd see if I could stay at a friend's house. When things get bad at my house, I have a list of houses I can go to, some of them being friends who wouldn't turn me away. Yes, it's embarrassing for them to know something's wrong with your life, but there's nothing wrong with it. This is just one of those things you kinda have to swallow your pride and deal with. It won't get better if you don't.

Perhaps staying with your dad might be the best choice? Would it be better if you were there rather than somewhere where you seem neglected? If not with him, is there any other family you could stay with? It's destructive for you to stay where you are, and I think your best bet if you can't talk to your mom and step dad about change, is to get out. I understand you don't seem to want people to know things are going rough for you, but one thing you have to understand, if you don't things won't get better. They'll stay the same. You have to tell someone what is going on, the school, a counselor, a therapist, one of the adults you see, just someone. You're not happy, and that's not okay. But there's nothing anyone can do if you don't talk to someone and try and get some help. His girlfriend is contacting you, you might want to talk to her and tell her what's going on. Then your dad might get involved and help out.

Overall, you need to talk to someone who can deal with things. You see a lot of people that the court ordered you to see for a reason, this reason. If you don't use the options they've given you then you're stuck where you are.
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Old 14-01-12, 11:44 AM   #3
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Default Re: Mom's boyfriend

Why do you say your father is horrible. I think it need more explaining and is it good or is it bad that his girl friend is contacting you. I know if ylthat was to happend to me I'll move with my mom because my dad is always on my ass and yelling at most of the time for no reason and I wouldn't care if I was middle class even though I would miss the money. Didn't your mom get half of the money??? I know my mom would.








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Old 14-01-12, 12:33 PM   #4
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Default Re: Mom's boyfriend

What is more important to you: Your own well being or money? I know which one I'd chose.

You need to tell your father's girlfriends that they WILL not call yolu again unless they want to deal with police.

Talk to your mother about how you feel. She loves you, and I hope to god that your mother choses you over that homewrecker of a tennis coach. If she starts to talk about her being happy, tell her that she has ruined her family so she could have sex.

Also, id recommend professional help, if you can afford it.










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Old 16-01-12, 05:49 PM   #5
 
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Default Re: Mom's boyfriend

Wow that sux. No offense but ur mom sounds like she is being really mean. Like she is over-looking these things like its NBD. Try to talk to her when her "husband" isn't around because I'm sure she wants to know what is going on in her 16 year-old daughter's life because I know if might not seem like it but she cares and wants to know. Just mention that it is bothering you and if that doesn't work then go to a trusted adult and try and talk to them they probably would love to talk to you and help you through these hard times. I'm sorry that you are going through this I'm praying for you!




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