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So recently I've been noticing that my family have been more cold to me lately.
I know why of course. You'd have to be blind and deaf not to know. My family happens to be highly intelligent, they just also have poor judgment, but they can figure things out easy.

It's no surprise they found out about that. I'm sure you all know about me and my cousin by now. We had a sort of a fling, he broke my heart, then he initiated it the next summer, then broke my heart again. I could never figure out why he initiated it the second time considering I flat out told him how I felt about him and the fact he's not the type to intentionally play with emotions.

But that isn't the point. The point is that it happened. It's not exactly the highlight of my life but I don't really regret it either. I'd rather my first heartbreak be with him, who i knew so well, rather than some jerk I fooled myself into trusting and who i didn't know so well. The latter would have been more normal, but far more stupid. This just blind sided me, I never would have seen it coming.

The problem, however, isn't that so much as it is people treat me differently. Oh, yeah, did I say "me", yes you read right, me. Not we or him. Just me.
It's sickening really! Why is it just me? Why is it always just me whenever he's concerned?
Even when we were kids, he never got in trouble for wrestling so roughly with a small girl just like myself. Whereas I got "you shouldn't be wrestling with boys" all the fucking time. But him wrestling with a girl? Oh then that was okay! I mean, shouldn't it be the opposite? Isn't that a normal, albeit somewhat stupid, reaction?

Growing up, he always got praised for being "so smart" and having such good grades while being talented at singing and music, was a friend to everyone, had the potential to be good at sports if he wanted to, could help you with any problem, and God forbid someone go 24 hours without talking to him - they'd just die!

Meanwhile I was the opposite. I wasn't book or school smart. I enjoyed fantasy. I always had a weak body and could only move through sheer will power (which most people don't like to think is true - they just think I was faking). Being introverted 100%. Not talking very much. Didn't have many, if any, friends at the time. I wasn't a good singer. I was terribly shy and had massive stage-fright (still do actually). I was messy and sloppy. A tomboy. I was cute but never really pretty. And didn't seem to be very intelligent.

The only people who knew how creative and intelligent I was were my parents, grandmother, and ironically my cousins father (who's also my cousin). On my dads side that is.
And some of my Great Uncles too. But even my dad sometimes would get on my case and compare me to my cousin. Mostly when it came to Chess because I could never remember how the pieces moved.


Now, about being blamed for stuff. Each time we would rough-house, it was always my fault - even when he started it. Why? I don't know. It just was.

But now I'm the only one being blamed for that fling even though both of us were involved! And the sick part is that they love him and couldn't be more proud of him and his life. Meanwhile I'm just the sick bitch who attempted to corrupt him. Believe me when I say he wasn't complaining at all. He fucking enjoyed it, his physical reaction clearly showed that much! And he flat out told me too!
Never mind the fact that my mother and his grandmother (my aunt) were more or less trying to get us together - no, no, it was my fault and mine alone. Never mind the fact that we didn't even get past second (neither of us really wanted to anyway) - they just go out and act like I aborted a love child or popped out something with six eyes and webbed toes.

Now, keep in mind, it's not everyone. It's just distant family who don't know what really happened plus one that does know what happened. That one would be my other cousin, the aforementioned cousins brother. He didn't have a fucking clue until my cousin went and told him all about it. I only know about it because my sister and him were talking when i was stuck at home for work reasons (they had gone out of town for a wedding). And she told me. Oh and she told me soooo much more than that. But I'll get to that later.

Point is, he treats me like he'll get diseased from touching me or something. I used to harass him by playing with his hair all the time. He used to willingly give me hugs. But now? Now he flinches whenever I touch him and cringes when i fucking make him hug me. I mean, he has no choice when I make him do something. Because then others would react to it. Last thing he wants is unnecessary attention. Still, he treats his brother the same and practically fell all over himself when I convinced him to come for the family reunion.
Yeah, my fucking idea and he fucking knows it. And yet he treats me like this?

It's mostly my younger cousin acting this way but more distant family gives me shit too. They never come right out and say it but I know what they think of me. Plus I hear what they say about me. It's not often, but I hear it. "Pig" and "Desperate" tend to be the common ones.

Now about what my younger cousin told my sister. And here is where the truly sickening part comes in. He goes out, fucks a girl, and has a pregnancy scare then later they break up - not long after it happened. This thing is fairly common this day and age but did I mention he was 14 when it happened? Yet he treats me like a bottom feeder oh but that is perfectly fine!
Way to follow in your family's foot-steps there, cuz. I'm sure it'll work out fine for you just like it did for your Grandfather and Father... oh, yeah, it'll work out GREAT if you keep that up. If you knew that part of my family, the sarcasm would be more obvious. They both had children really young in life.
Then life happened and shit went down. Their grandfather was abusive when he was younger (not anymore though) and their dad is divorced once, has 4 kids, and is about to be divorced a second time and is in a custody battle right now.

Oh yes, following in their foot-steps is the best idea ever! Meanwhile, we did nothing wrong or illegal, and I'm the scum of the earth.

What pisses me off more is the fact my cousin went out and told people, told his brother who once said he found such relationships disgusting. Yet you told him?! I fucking told you to never tell anyone! Not like it matters. I just told him that so he wouldn't get in trouble for it. He needs to be seen in a positive light, I don't. Not like it mattered I guess. No matter what he does, people will always love him. I bet even if he went out and killed somebody that people would still accept him. Well, i don't know about that but still...


I've always gotten the short end of the stick when he's around. I've always gotten the short end of the stick anyway. I've always been upstaged by someone else better than me. I'm not as intelligent as my father, I'm not as caring as my mother, I don't have any goals like my sister does, all men want from me is to fuck me and move on - without even looking at my face, all most girls have ever done to me is bully me or try to convince me to do their school work for them, my artwork was never good enough - even when it was far more creative than what other people came up with, I never work well or hard enough - it's almost good but no matter what I always do something wrong, even when circumstances are out of my control it's still my fault!

The only thing I was ever good at was winning. Fighting, races, games, anything that involved a clear-cut winner, I was the best at. But even when i won, it still wasn't good enough. Everyone said I should try harder and do better. I was good enough but still not good enough. Sorry i wasn't born good enough or tall enough and with a weak body and with fucking Narcolepsy!


Ugh, but this rant has gone on long enough. I'll never be good enough for you because you're all fucking biased anyway! Sorry I'm not gifted like some people. But there's always going to be something about me most people don't have. And that's fucking Will Power. You think any normal person could survive almost 19 years of doing everything wrong? Most people would have given up and deemed themselves useless by now. I'm intelligent enough to see my own faults and strengths. You can't fucking get to me to make me pity myself by telling me I'm not good enough. My will power stems from my apathy and disgust of society. I hate it so much that I strive only for what I fucking want.
As far as I'm concerned, you can love me, dislike me, whatever. I don't care what people think of me anymore. Not since I figured out I was never going to be good enough for you people. I learned the problem wasn't me, it was you.
Knowing that, you can't get to me. You can never get to me. I don't care enough about people, things, or ideas for you to ever truly get to me.

I won't break. That's the one thing about me most people don't have. I've had a lot of shit done to me over the years, some of which I've never mentioned on here, and even then i didn't break.
Meanwhile most of you overreact to insults, have depression caused by problems you caused for yourself, let your emotions rule your actions, but I've been through shit much worse and I'm still not broken. Maybe that's why they get on my case, because I'm too strong for them. They broke a long time ago, but I flat out refuse to let life or people get to me. I pick myself and keep on keeping on.

I'm a rock, maybe that's why they come after me rather than the delicate flower that is my cousin. He can't handle people not adoring him - even if he doesn't know this himself. It's why he's such a people-pleaser. If someone gets upset with him then he goes out of his way and would act like a doormat if it would make them feel better and like him.

I'm so glad I inherited will power from my father. It's perhaps the one thing I have more off than him. If it's one thing I don't do is give up when it's something I really want. I've overcome being paralyzed through sheer will power, do you have any idea how hard that is when you're scared and don't know why it's happening in the first place? Temp. paralysis is a side-effect of Narcolepsy. It varies in time as to how long it lasts. For me, it usually lasts a while. I shouldn't even be able to move but I damn well forced myself to move. Most of you can't get out of bed with a fucking headache. Try forcing yourself to get out of bed when your legs are not working, while having a migraine, after hallucinating, while being scared witless as to what's happening with your body.


Still, I'm sick of it. I may be strong but that doesn't mean I like people mistreating me.

...That's it, I'm fucking asking my cousin why he told his brother.

Ray what the fuck he's your cousin, don't feed the southern stereotype.

"Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist" - Epicurus

Shut the fuck up you judgmental asshole. Out of all that, that's the only fucking thing you care about?
I knew you were a prick, but I didn't think you were a prick like all the other pricks out there. I thought you were a special brand of prick. I was wrong.

And actually he's my first cousin, once removed (simply put: my first cousin is his father. My uncle is his grandfather. My dad is his great uncle. So he's my first cousins son).
Is it my fault people stereotype? No. It's their own fault. It can be found anywhere. Why should it be any more different because I'm from the south?
For that matter, first cousin unions are illegal in Texas (not that I think they should be but) but he is my first cousin, once removed so we didn't legally do anything wrong.

It's my life, I'll do what the fuck I wanna do. Besides it doesn't matter now anyway considering he's gone through at least 3 girlfriends since then (one of them twice) and seems to only be interested in the girl he already broke up with once before. He wouldn't know commitment if it came up and bit him in the ass.
Never mind the fact I fucking took care of him when he got sick (and I warned him not to eat that in the first place) or the fact that he practically molests me when he sees me - esp. when we're alone. He say's he's just touchy-feely but I doubt he does that to every other girl he's familiar with.


Just as an update, he said that he didn't tell his brother. Not that I believe him. I'm convinced my sister is telling the truth for once. He has a big mouth and his brother isn't a total idiot.

Someone isn't an ASSHOLE because they see something that you might not. I'm not saying is anything is true or not. Both of you are wrong.

I'm not commenting on this because you are absolutely beyond mad and i'm not feeding this lovely fire.

Okay Ray, he's still blood, that's all I'm trying to say.

"Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist" - Epicurus

Whatever laws your state has doesn't make what happened legal.

I know. For the record, the first part was just a joke.
Blood doesn't really matter. We were not socialized before the age of 6 so it's only natural I wouldn't totally see him as family. It was an experiment and it's called imprinting.
Blood doesn't matter so much as how close your were brought up to the other person. It's why sometimes best friends who've been so for a long time would find it repulsive to date one another - along the same lines as one's reaction to dating their sister would be.

Um... yes, it does, because that's what laws are for, to define the legality of things.
So what a make out session or two is illegal now?
Doesn't make it illegal either. Oh wait, yeah it does because laws define what is legal and illegal.
That statement really made no sense at all. If something isn't illegal then it isn't a crime and is legal.

"What happened"? Why is it people act as though we fucked or something? Nothing happened. Nothing pasted second at least.
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about dude.

Mad? I'm not mad. Not in the slightest.
Believe me, it would be a much bigger deal if I were actually mad. I don't get mad that often. Just miffed. Or peeved.


In on going news, he still insists he hasn't told anyone. But I know my sister isn't lying this time around. My younger cousin probably figured it out but he said something about his brother having a big mouth, which implies he said something after all.
Then again, why should I trust any of them to tell me the truth? I swear they get behind my back and plot against me. Intentionally leave me out of the loop for whatever reason.
Assholes.

I meant moral, excuse me.

It wasn't either immoral or moral. It depends on where you get your morality from.
Since we didn't actually do anything, none of that applies, however.
It's mostly according to imprinting, of which neither of us were effected with each other. Since we met each other after we hard turned 6, it wasn't imprinted into us to associate each other as family.

Moral depends on what you want to believe. At least in this case.

However that was never the point of this thread at all. The point is that people blame me for shit when it's not my fault or when more than one person is at "fault".

So like, did you kiss him and shit?

Q_Q

"Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist" - Epicurus