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i don't know if this is in the right forum..

i don't know why something like this always has to happen...its like whenever my life is going really well and i'm really happy, something has to remind me that everything isn't always so wonderful..

a bit of background here..

last weekend, my parents let my boyfriend stay the night at our house, which was great. i was also taking care of my friends house the same weekend, and we erm...used her empty house for other things as well, if you get my drift...

the next day, my ex started talking to me. not okay. reeeeally not okay. this kid fucked me up, he really ruined me emotionally. he used me. that was 3 years ago, and it took me until this long to come to terms with what happened and move on from it and be okay.

he was only trying to apologize, for how he treated me, but it was uncomfortable. like, dude, don't talk to me. thats shit was 3 fucking years ago, i'm over it. i don't ever want to talk to him, but i did because i'm too nice. i couldn't just say "shut up, prick, you deserved this" cause he was saying how he was sorry for treating me like that..but he only said that because he just got left for someone else, like what he did to me. but he did a lot worse, so i can't really feel bad...

long story short, he used me. he told me he loved me the whole time, tried to touch me, and then he left me for someone else. i was a fucking stupid 9th grader, it ruined me. my boyfriend now had to deal with all of that, this many years later...and he kind of saved me from just giving up on the entire male species.

but since he was talking about that with me, it brought up all those memories...and i got freaked out again...i don't want to get used again. and it made me think, what if i'm letting it happen?.. this was the night after the 2nd time i ever had sex, and the first time didn't harley count, so i started stupidly thinking that it could be happening again. but i know my boyfriend wouldn't do that. but i can't stop thinking like that...

i don't want to be broken anymore..i don't want to always be worried about being used, when i know that julius wouldn't do that..and he stuck around and helped me get over those bad feelings, and now i feel like i'm falling back to how i was and being too worried..

i really hate that i'm like this, and i can never get around it. i let shit like this take control of me and i don't know how to stop. i can't be mean to people, i can't seem to ignore them. as much as i like to think i don't care what people think of me, i really do to some extent, and i know that most people think of me as the weird quiet girl that never talks in class. shit, i never talk cause everyone is fucking ridiculous and only talks to people in their immediate friend circle..but i'm getting off topic..

i'm probably not even going to make sense anymore, so i'll cut this off soon. i just wish i could've stopped any of that from happening. fucking stupid 9th grader i was..and i let him get to me again..i don't want to be like that anymore..

Melanie,

We all make mistakes in life. It's part of human development and, without them, we'd never learn. I understand that you have had some bad experiences, but it would much more beneficial for you if you were to learn from them and move on, rather than dwell on the past. With your ex-boyfriend, you learned that even those closest to us can be cruel and heartless, and that you should exercise caution and better judgement when choosing a partner - that does not mean however that you can't trust people, particular males, again. What happened to you wasn't your fault - it was his - the only mistake you'd be making is if you let it have a detrimental effect on your current relationship and how you live your life.

It's unfortunate your ex decided to contact you after so long. Regardless of how much of an arse he was before, you have to commend him for at 'least making the effort to apologise to you. He's learned from his mistakes based on his own experiences, even if it would have been much more ideal for him to have known that lesson sooner. I know it's not what you wanted, especially after all this time, so I suggest you just sever contact with him entirely and ignore him from now on, no matter how bad you may feel for doing so.

From what I can see, Julius has treated you well and with respect. Don't allow your previous experiences get the better of you; what you have now is a healthy, loving relationship - focus on the present and what's best for you both.

thank you for that..i've kind of calmed down a bit from earlier, it was really getting to me. i really need to stop thinking sometimes.