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This is going to be a stupid rant but I'm just so sick of everything..
I'm sick of feeling like crap, but now as I'm getting better I'm coming more so back into my stupid reality of boredom and no life..I'm realizing again no one likes me, or people who i used to be friends with and they say they do, still never talk to me.. I'm sick of over thinking absolutely everything.... it's so draining.. I overthink crap so gosh damn much.. I'm sick of worrying about stuff, i can never just let myself be happy in the moment.. I worry about the future, i wonder about the future, i try to see brightly of the future but it all just sucksssss. Ive been researching more into the issues i have, major depression, severe anxiety, bipolar.. and I'm realizing so many systems of these things are just like... overpowering things over one's personality, like.. ive had and struggling with all of them for sooo long how do i even know who i really am? I thought i knew who i was so much but... it's like, who would i have been if i hadn't struggled with these things that change my personality so much? I suppose our pains make us who we are but still.. how much of that has made me who i am...? a lot i think.. and im so so so sick of carrying about pain and secrets and everything... yet they're things ive tried to tell people about but i dont have anyone to trust closely with and tell them to like a best friend. ugh it's just soo... gah. idk. i dont really want answers because i can't really change much of it, ive tried, and i don't want to get personal with people on why i cant change it it's just.. blah... im tired of carrying around pain and secrets.. It's so suffocating.. And I'm so sick of hiding who i am..
sorry for anyone who actually had to sit through reading that.. i apologize..
Little white flowers will never awaken you, not when the cold depths have all but overtaken you.
Dearest, The days are all so long,
and in the shadows I spend them all.
My heart and I long for slumber.
Slumber I'm caressing you, I bless your touch, I lust for you.
Slumber you are not a dream, Not as much as you seem.
- Joao <3
Last edited by DeepDistress; 29-09-11 at 06:41 PM..
And another thing, I always help people. I don't say no, it doesn't matter if I'm mad at them, hurt by them so badly, whatever, i just i suck it up and help them and normally they say thanks and blah and then don't talk to me, but i thought by doing that it'd make me a better person, you know, selfless helping them regardless of how it hurts me but that's just.. piled up too much. I'm sick of it. I feel like why the hell should i help them or care about people because no one EVER does that for me? Yeah i know that's stupid because i should help them no matter what but it's just.. ugh.. I'm so mad at some people... they see me hurting and don't care.. why does no one care? I can understand if i fought with someone and they got mad and we don't like each other and whatever but these are people or people who say they like who i am and give good advice and everything just.. ugh.. i feel like me being so selfless for so long has just overtaken me.. that's stupid though.. im gonna regret writing all this tomorrow..
Little white flowers will never awaken you, not when the cold depths have all but overtaken you.
Dearest, The days are all so long,
and in the shadows I spend them all.
My heart and I long for slumber.
Slumber I'm caressing you, I bless your touch, I lust for you.
Slumber you are not a dream, Not as much as you seem.
- Joao <3
I've felt the same way so many times. I can't count the number of times I've repeated those words to myself over and over again until the light of hope faded to darkness of despair. I mean those thoughts inspired my username. But don't give up hope. Just don't. That's hard to do I know. But you'd be doing the world a disservice. You'd be doing yourself a disservice. You know you have a lot to offer the world. Not letting that talent out and not letting that light shine would be a mistake.
There are people out there that like you. Even if they don't show it, they accept you for who you are. They do like you. And if there aren't, someone out there will. There are too many people out there. The chances of everyone disliking you is zero. You just have to find those people. Not finding those people is another issue. That is out of everyone's control, unfortunately. Life does suck sometimes. It's true. But there are things in life that are worth living for. Things worth fighting for and things worth dying for. Again it's a matter of finding those things.
Don't worry about not knowing yourself. I'm sure that knowledge will come in time. I don't know who I am. It bugs the crap out of me. But still I keep looking because I know that patience is the key. I know how you feel. Just be who you think you are. Just let it out. You'll feel so much better.
You don't have to help anyone. It's not a moral imperative. and I'm sorry no one is there to help you. THat doesn't mean nobody cares. We do care. Sometimes, people just don't know how to help. I know that's a hard thing to deal with. No one helps me because they don't know how to help me. Just reach out and hope that someone will know how to help you. You're good at helping people. And that's a talent that the world is in dire need of. So don't deprive the world of what you can give. I know being so selfless can get to people sometimes. Just hope that it will return someday. That's the only thing to hold onto when you feel like this. Hope. That one thing can keep you a float. Hope.
That's my attempt to help you. I'm sorry I'm not so great at it. I sound preachy and stuff I know. And I know it's hard. Just keep your head up. And know that we do care. And we do like you. And so do A lot of other people I'm sure. Things will get better eventually.
Thanks Allan.. You do help, I know that's something you probably don't believe too much, hell I don't about myself but it does help especially coming from you because I know you've been where I am. I know what you mean about the hope giving up to just darkness... That's how it is for me a lot of the time, But i keep trying. I tell myself even if shit never gets better for me as long as i help lives in the process that's better then my own life being good, right? I know ive actually saved lives, saved people from going over the edge...that's another thing that i think eats at me with the selflessness. I'm sooo sick of just swallowing my pride and pain to help others, but yet i know i can't really give up on it because i do a decent job at helping people and saving them, and a lot of people can't handle that, so if i don't who's to say who will? but that still doesn't stop it at eating away at me... so it's just..a very very vicious circle.. I try to keep up hope for myself, but there's so many things I can't say publicly that keep me from thinking highly of myself.. i have sooo..so..soo.. much self doubt and self hate that I just want to give up. and what makes it even harder is i hate myself yet theres things i love about myself so I'm torn, and not being able to show people who i am makes it worse it's just so much piling up.. And I know who i am, as a person and i know i wont change too much from who i am cause im way mature, always have been... but what annoys me and makes me wonder is my depression and all that how much of that has formed who i am? i know who i am now and will be, but i wonder how much of it changed me into who i am? like what would i have really been like if i didn't go through that? idk. I just want to give up... I'm so suffocated by it but i know i can't.. like one of my favorite songs, "It ain't easy facin' up when your whole world is black," =/
Little white flowers will never awaken you, not when the cold depths have all but overtaken you.
Dearest, The days are all so long,
and in the shadows I spend them all.
My heart and I long for slumber.
Slumber I'm caressing you, I bless your touch, I lust for you.
Slumber you are not a dream, Not as much as you seem.
- Joao <3
The world may be black, but to change the words to one of my favorite songs ever written, we often need to paint it red . As in, we need to add color to our world, even if we don't need it. Our entire lives are just roads and cycles. We often choose the wrong road and the cycle repeats. Eventually we will achieve the correct cycle, and all will be good.
We just need to hold out for that day.
"A toothache, or a violent passion, is not necessarily diminished by our knowledge of its causes, its character, its importance or insignificance".- T.S. Eliot
Well, at least your attitude isn't terrible. It sounds like you want to believe things will get better and that makes a huge difference I think. It's nice to see that you haven't given up all hope yet. You should do something for yourself though. Just try to be a little selfish sometimes. Small things like that can help relieve some of those feelings your holing up. Find something that you enjoy and you can indulge in from time to time. I know that helped me a lot. I mean. I think a lot of the feelings you're having stem from the fact that you are so selfless sometimes. And being too much of anything can be a problem, you know? On another note, I'd encourage you not to hare yourself. There's no real reason for it. Everyone has something beautiful about them. And there's no reason to hide it. That's a hard truth to see but if you really look at it, it's kind of true. There's no reason to doubt who you are. Just show the world and I'm sure there are people who will love it. But yeah. I know how all that is and it does suck. Probably more than someone can describe in words.
I love that song.....
And i know, I'm trying. really trying.. I'm just sick of trying when i have no one by me to help or support or say good job or i see improvement in you and stuff.. it doesn't seem worth fixing myself for just myself, if it's just me then id rather just end all the emotions in the first place.
Little white flowers will never awaken you, not when the cold depths have all but overtaken you.
Dearest, The days are all so long,
and in the shadows I spend them all.
My heart and I long for slumber.
Slumber I'm caressing you, I bless your touch, I lust for you.
Slumber you are not a dream, Not as much as you seem.
- Joao <3
But yeah. I know how all that is and it does suck. Probably more than someone can describe in words.
That especially... I think that's why it makes it harder on us because we never feel like we can ever efficiently put across how it really is.
Thanks Nicole <3
Little white flowers will never awaken you, not when the cold depths have all but overtaken you.
Dearest, The days are all so long,
and in the shadows I spend them all.
My heart and I long for slumber.
Slumber I'm caressing you, I bless your touch, I lust for you.
Slumber you are not a dream, Not as much as you seem.
- Joao <3
kate... some of ur posts in teen help threads was really useful for me.its like you are Counsellor in Teen Forumz.i think you can easily overcome the situation.
Today's Toppers
Ugh I'm just so sick of everything..
. As in, we need to add color to our world, even if we don't need it. Our entire lives are just roads and cycles. We often choose the wrong road and the cycle repeats. Eventually we will achieve the correct cycle, and all will be good.
