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Yes, I am back on Teen Forumz. No, don't ask why I was gone. I won't answer.
And yes, I am back and I bring a rant with me. Don't like it? Don't read it.
My life has been pretty messed up lately. My depression has been getting closer and closer over time, and it's finally getting a grip on my soul once again.
I haven't been on the most healthy state of mind, don't think I've ever been, and now it's only getting worse.
I thought things were getting great. I mean, I got into a relationship, I scored 16/20 on a Portuguese test, a subject which has always been a weakness of mine, and this was an important achievement. I opened a seperate bank account so I would not depend on my father for money and now I will never starve again. It seemed that everything was finally working out.
Boy, was I wrong.
To counter the good things that happened, even worse things than before started happening aswell. I can't really talk much about it, both because I don't want to and because I simply can't, it's too serious. I can mention the less serious things though.
My mother is leaving for 3 months now. Actually, she's going abroad for 3 months, come back for one month in which I'll get to see her for 2 days (with her being busy and focussing on work) and then going abroad again for 3 other months, and the pattern repeats itself. She was my source of support and now she's drifting away one again.
I ask her for support. I try to phone her, she's busy. I text her, she's busy. Make no mistake, I do understand. Work is much more important, she needs to sustain herself. Although, when she does have time, she focusses on my sister or my grandma and forgets all about me. I told her this, and she told me I must stop whining so much. She expects me to achieve much, I mean, a really lot, with little to no support whatsoever and with no failure expectations at all. No margin for errors or mistakes.
I'm not a fucking machine. I don't care how strong I can be, how strong people think I am, but in the end I am not an unbreakable rock. I have fucking feelings for God's sake.
As such, with my depression becoming worse, I do the only thing I know: Isolate myself.
I stopped talking to most people, both IRL and online. For long has this been going on and I still can't manage to control it. My tendecy to isolate myself and to distance and close up from everyone is almost compulsive, unfightable.
My friends IRL themselves don't really give a shit either. My best friend is too focused on his girlfriend, which is more important than the whole goddamn world, even his studies and family. Another friend of mine is focused on getting a boy for herself and goes slutty, comes on to every boy out there, and then gets depressed because she can't get one. She completely ignores her studies, in which she alredy flunked a year, and still does it. Get a fucking life omg.
Various other friends have found much more entertaining things than myself.
I am becoming more and more apathic over time, and I start getting cold towards everyone, not caring about what they think, how they feel, anything...
My state of mind over time has gone so bad that I left the moderator position and took the DA position instead because I wanted to keep helping people. I still kept going downhill to the point I can't even advise people anymore, something I'm great at, but can't focus on, or even get the interest to. So I left the DA position to someone who can do the job properly. Even being on Teen Forumz, I didn't post. I just closed myself in my poetry. I feel like poetry is the only thing that understands me right now, but it never truly satisfies me or even vents my exact feelings. I started getting so isolated and depressed that I left Teen Forumz to isolate myself even more.
I don't carry my own weight, but also partially carry the weight of a lot of other people. I like to support people. I even carry all the weight of some of them so they can actually enjoy life. I can't rely on them for support when they need support themselves, they're not on the best state of mind either and I don't blame them. Although, with me starting to crack more and more, my ability to pull their weight diminishes more and more, and I don't know how much more I can take.
I feel lonely. I have always felt lonely but now I feel not just lonely but abandoned. Abandoned by the people I most love in this world and I even start to lose hope. That positive John people know is starting to fade more and more, because I am losing hope, both hope in people and myself. The only thing that keeps me going is my fear of failure, because I don't settle for failure. Although, I'm going into a state where I literally don't give a fuck about it, and my results on tests have been going downhill.
I can't focus on my studies, I can't focus on people, I can't even sleep. I can't even remember the last time I got real sleep. I can't even nap.
*sigh* I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm not asking nor expecting advice here, nor confort, nor care. I just needed to write this and there was nowhere to write it, so I just wrote it here. I don't care if you care, at all. But, thanks for reading, I suppose.
"If I do good, people might accuse me of selfish, ulterior motives, but I will still do it. Because I believe no one is malicious, not in their core, in their raw being.
The best in them is clouded by sorrows and fears, take those away and you'll bring out the brightest of lights in them.
Because no one can be happy without being kind, without giving ourselves to another, and we all love to give ourselves, it is our true nature.
That is why, even if I might get disappointed, I'll always give the best I've got. A single candle can light a thousand others and still burn." - Skezra
I'm sorry things are getting so bad again, John. You really don't deserve it. You work so hard to better things constantly and it seems like you can never get away from it. Just try and take deep breathes, things are crappy but eventually they will get better, little things like getting a gf and that, they will slowly pile up and pull you out of all this. You're going to be amazing at your job once you're done studying, and doing what you love etc. You're an incredible person to say the very least... With all you go through, and all the pain and suffering, you ALWAYS think of others first, you always help people, have them look up, know exactly what to say even though you're dying inside. That is an amazing thing to have about yourself, John. Something I really love about you. So just try and hang in there and know I'm always here, remember just takes a simple 'need you.'
Plus, I love you because I has a horny name
Little white flowers will never awaken you, not when the cold depths have all but overtaken you.
Dearest, The days are all so long,
and in the shadows I spend them all.
My heart and I long for slumber.
Slumber I'm caressing you, I bless your touch, I lust for you.
Slumber you are not a dream, Not as much as you seem.
- Joao <3
Need any 1-1 help? PM me and I'll get back to you ASAP.
R.I.P Shiloh Moore, I love you and miss you.<3
I will never be able to explain to anyone how much
you meant to me.
~~~~~~
Now I know what it means to live for someone else
To give up yourself
Things have changed, at times it gets kind of strange
Your love remains the same.
Im sorry things have been bad for you again. But just know that all of us here love you including myself. You were one of the first people I met on here when I joined and you have become one of my closest Teen Forumz friends.
Dont give Up.
~Andy
Danielle and Nicole are my Twinsies we are the TF Tripletz
"But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you"
I'm feeling quite calmer right now. Not exactly happier but calmer. Thank you for the kind comments guys.
"If I do good, people might accuse me of selfish, ulterior motives, but I will still do it. Because I believe no one is malicious, not in their core, in their raw being.
The best in them is clouded by sorrows and fears, take those away and you'll bring out the brightest of lights in them.
Because no one can be happy without being kind, without giving ourselves to another, and we all love to give ourselves, it is our true nature.
That is why, even if I might get disappointed, I'll always give the best I've got. A single candle can light a thousand others and still burn." - Skezra
We all go through those moments which try to bring us down! Just be strong mate, and don't let those circumstances (no matter what they are) bring you down, and by the time, I'm sure this down-feelings will start to fade away, and you will eventually get out of it only to realize that you have become stronger than before.
This is actually the only hope I can give you right now.
It's really the time for humanity to take a dump.
Notes: - Absent because of exams.
- New profile song added.
Today's Toppers
1Likes
Fuck it all.
