Teen Forums - Teen Chat, Teen Help, Teen Advice & Support

So I'm going to tell my story and I'd like opinions on what I should do, if I should do anything.

Me and my family moved here about three years ago or so, and it was a lot of change, a lot of depression and pain for me at first. A whole new world and I knew nothing about it. I was going through a really hard time for the first year, getting used to the changes and all that. But there was this one guy, my cousin to be exact (some may think this is weird, but in my culture/religion it's very normal and actually the best thing to be with your cousin)... And well, I thought about him a lot. I never really knew if I liked him or not, but my dad had told me about him before and when I saw him, there was something that kept me attached to him. But I was never sure of my feelings for him. I knew I thought of him a lot, and wondered what he thought of me because I knew he thought something of me. He was a really shy guy, but I always saw something in him deeper than meets the eye. I always wanted to get to know him and know his secrets, his fears, his dreams...

Anyway, I won't make this long, we've been together for a year and three months now after two years of confusion and mixed signals and pain. He asked my hand in marriage at the beginning of our relationship because that's how our culture goes. I was sure I wanted to spend my life with him and he was sure too so we rushed into it. Now we're engaged, though not formally because dad didn't allow it until he had built a house for us, but to everyone in our family, we're known as engaged. We're still not allowed to see each other alone or talk to each other, but we do. We talk on the phone almost every night and see each other almost twice or three times every month. He's away a lot of the time because he's in the army, but I'm dealing with that...

But as time passed, I learned many things. About him, about us, and just our life together.
He has dropped out of school and I'm still in school and plan to finish studying. But I also plan to convince him to go back to school, which he really wants to do but factors in his life stop him from doing so right now.
He's the provider for his family right now and they've been through such rough times.

From his experiences in life, he's very... sad, I guess you could say, and he's kind of really weak. He's not depressed. But he gets really sad sometimes and I always have to be his strength. Pretty much all the time, I'm having to be his strength, but then when I need him, he never seems to be around. Not because he doesn't try or doesn't care, but because of obstacles, like his work, money, or our families. But I find it strange that I almost always have to be there for him when he needs me and I always try everything I can to make him smile or forget his pain, but then he always ends up hurting me, most of the time, without him knowing it or meaning it. Sometimes no matter how hard I try or what I do, I end up upsetting him anyway because he's very sensitive. And then when I need him, he's never there. There's always something stopping him from being there for me. Or even when he can, he doesn't know how to make me feel better or make me strong when I'm weak. He doesn't really know what to do or say.

I know he loves me more than I can even imagine and I know that I'm probably the only light in his life. I know that I want to spend my life with him, but I don't know if I can handle his weakness and sensitivity all the time. Sometimes I need strength too, but I never like to put my crap on top of everything he already has to deal with. I know I'm strong, stronger than he is, and I love to be his strength and be there for him and help him. That was all I wanted from the very beginning, to be his strength and the one that changes his life. But is it fair this way? What would a marriage life be with someone like that? Or what should I do, if I should do anything?

I don't have the solution to your problem. When I went through something similar, I couldn't work out what to do either I'm afraid. I think what you do for him is amazing and you should be proud of yourself for all the help and support you've given him. I understand that you don't want to pile your problems on top of his but it's important that you find a way of being supported with your things too.

One thing that works well I think is letters. I know that you're not supposed to see or talk to him much but you do so maybe you could write him a letter. Explain in the letter exactly how you feel. That you love him more than anything etc. etc. and you enjoy being there for him, but sometimes you need support too. Tell him the things you've written in your post here. You need to be careful how you word it though because it might come across that you think he's being selfish even know you know that's not true.

Keep being the strength he needs because it gives him something to stand on and it makes you feel good too. Just continue showing him how much you love him and he'll see how lucky he is to have someone like you. Good luck.

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Don't forget to be awesome.

The letter idea would work. I've tried letters with him before, but again, he's very sensitive, so I would be have to be very careful (that's a natural ability I have anyway, lol). But I could try that.

Thank you for your opinion and the advice.

You need to tell him everything that you've posted above. as you know army guys are very busy and they have many of their own problems. you should find a good time and seriously talk about those stuff.
I wouldn't prefer writing a letter, because in an letter you can't write everything you want the way you wanted it to be, and the reader most of the time doesn't get what the writer is trying to say & writers feelings. Face to face is much better in this situation, specially when your in a serious relationship face to face is the best option. As @Rogan Says "You need to be careful how you word it though because it might come across that you think he's being selfish" Be aware of this.

I am sure that he loves you very much and he need you more than anything. if you just let him know that you also need the support that you give him , when he most need it. he will understand and he will change.

well,where i'm from there are lot of womens marrying army guys, girls loves them. there is no difference they just live happy and normal.
its not a problem if you both loves each other and if you want to live you rest of your life with him, the i will say your marriage will be fine,

Just talk and make him happy, and let him know how your feel. and always remind him that you love him & miss him.

Talking is very important in an relationship, if there is no talking , there will be more problems.

Thanks. Hope This Helps.
Good Luck XD

You need to tell him everything that you've posted above. as you know army guys are very busy and they have many of their own problems. you should find a good time and seriously talk about those stuff.
I wouldn't prefer writing a letter, because in an letter you can't write everything you want the way you wanted it to be, and the reader most of the time doesn't get what the writer is trying to say & writers feelings. Face to face is much better in this situation, specially when your in a serious relationship face to face is the best option. As @Rogan Says "You need to be careful how you word it though because it might come across that you think he's being selfish" Be aware of this.

I am sure that he loves you very much and he need you more than anything. if you just let him know that you also need the support that you give him , when he most need it. he will understand and he will change.

well,where i'm from there are lot of womens marrying army guys, girls loves them. there is no difference they just live happy and normal.
its not a problem if you both loves each other and if you want to live you rest of your life with him, the i will say your marriage will be fine,

Just talk and make him happy, and let him know how your feel. and always remind him that you love him & miss him.

Talking is very important in an relationship, if there is no talking , there will be more problems.

Thanks. Hope This Helps.
Good Luck XD

Even if I wrote the letter, I'd be able to talk to him about it after and see what his side of it is and then we'd talk about it. But I don't want to hurt him.

I have no problem with him being in the army. I'm so proud of him. And I know when we're married things will get better, but I also know that habits we have now might get passed on to our marriage life. I don't want that.

But I'll talk to him and we'll see. =)

Thank you for the advice.