Teen Forums - Teen Chat, Teen Help, Teen Advice & Support

My current boyfriend is completely untrustworthy and it seems like there's absolutely nothing I can say to him to get him to understand what he's putting me through. This is our second take at being together, I was the one who broke it off the first time. I broke up with him for a lot of reasons. I guess I should begin by saying that I'm easily classified as the jealous/possessive type. I also tend to bottle my emotions and pretend that nothing is bothering me when something really is.

My boyfriend is very outgoing and gets along with girls a lot better then he gets a long with guys, so of course the majority of his friends are female. The first incident with girls interfering in our relationship was on Thanksgiving.

I was at his house with his family just messing with his phone when he gets a text from a girl that says "I want you, you should get rid of your gf and come see me". I had no idea who this girl was, where she went to school, if they had had a past, anything. I was completely irate but I was forced to keep my cool because we were in front of his family. I simply handed the phone back to him with the expression of "I cannot believe what I just saw" on my face. He felt completely guilty and told the girl that what she said was inappropriate, blah blah.

So I just thought, "Alright that was just a minor speed bump... no worries". Well about a week later at school he walked me to class.. I forgot that I had had a note in my pocket for him so I hurried out of the room to take it to him and he was hugging some girl I had never seen before in my life. I walked up to him and said "Really? What the hell?" and he laughed and walked away as the bell rang. Later after school I found out it was the same girl who text him that message on Thanksgiving. Lovely right?

Well after a few more incidents like that I told him I couldn't take it anymore and I broke up with him. Of course he was "heartbroken and cried himself to sleep". Whatever.

As irony would have it he moved about four houses down the street from me this summer and we're back together now.

But it seems that he's fallen back into his old ways. There are countless incidents of just petty crap like girls telling him how hot he is ya da ya da ya da. His phone is constantly being blown up by girls and frankly I DO NOT trust him. Just tonight I looked at his messages and saw that he was texting a girl from our work and he called her "sugar ***s" and she called him "snuggle bear".. I confronted him about it and he did the same thing he did to me last time... he laughed. "We were only kidding!" <- that was his defense. Yeah.... right.

I'm at a lost. Any advice would help me greatly at this point. I want to trust him more than anything because no matter what this boy does I can't possibly stop loving him with all that I am. He tells me that all these girls are just his friends and that he can't help it that they're texting him... but I just find it so disrespectful...

So am I wrong for being so controlling? Should I just give him freedom and try to trust him? Is he really impossible to trust?

I think your post is a little misdirected!

First of all, has he ever given you a reason to distrust him? For example, has he ever lied to you about who he's meeting up with, or cheated on you?
I understand that his actions can be perceived as disrespectful and hurtful, but - according to your post - all he's doing is communicating with friends and they're the ones that are inspiring your jealousy. You sound insecure, and perhaps feel threatened by their inappropriate comments and actions.

In this case, I think it's worth sitting down and having a good, sober talk with your boyfriend. You need to explain that these girls are making you feel threatened as his girlfriend, and that his reciprocation is making you feel devalued. Give him a chance to empathize and change his attitude towards these girls, and if thereafter you feel as though you're not comfortable in the relationship, I'd say think about breaking up with him for good. The thing is, you're the one who initiated the relationship again - so you clearly want to be with him, but in a place where you feel good. I know it's easier said than done if you're used to keeping things bottled up, but being straightforward and open in this situation might make him realise that he's accidentally upsetting you, and his friends aren't helping.

It's important to have the right attitude in a relationship. Remember, your boyfriend's your boyfriend. He wants to be with you, and not one of his flirtatious friends. The basis of every relationship is trust, and it's imperative that you have a mutual bond of it.

STOP. ARE YOU READING THE ABOVE POST?
If not, do it. I'm beginning to get the impression that 50% of TF is populated by literate parrots/sentient mirrors.

It's always wrong to be controlling. But remember, there's a difference between being caring and being controlling.

In this case, I'm basically wondering why the hell you didn't walk up to the girl and be like "Why are you hugging & texting my boyfriend?" No matter her response, it's inevitable that you'd still be angry because it still happened, but maybe you'd have some peace in the situation.
As for him just laughing it off and walking away, I'd confront him. Tell him you need to talk to him, seriously, and if he doesn't take that seriously... just forget it. That's my advice. If BOTH aren't going to put effort in keeping the relationship stable, it's not worth the hard work that the one person is putting into it.

*Sigh* I wonder how old you are, i so wish that itty bitty piece of info was available, right there under the totally inconsequential join date.

It's always difficult for me to follow Kerry and Amber, b/c their advice is always so good, but let me add another dimension here. Expectations.

You might want to consider his behavior in light of your expectations. It might not be only his behavior here that's a potential problem, but your expectations, as well.

Assuming from your description that you guys are still in school (HS?), the type of exclusivity you're expecting might be a tad unreasonable. Expectations come from needs, which often come from prior experiences, not only social, with peers, but also from family experiences. You know, the ones we get growing up within our families, how our parents treated us, how they made us feel, and so forth. We often carry the results of those experiences into outside relationships, in the form of expectation.

So, if your expectation is the result not so much of what you and he have decided is OK, but rather this *other* stuff that you've brought into this, then the collision is more the result of unreasonable expectation. Teenage guys like teenage girls, even the ones they're not dating. Befriending them only threatens you if he acts on the flirtation.

All that said, the guy could be a real scoundrel, only you know that. But, be clear how much of your opinion is due to his behavior, and how much is the stuff you're bringing into it. And, regardless of what you decide, remember that relationships (with any expectation!) are supposed to be fun, and if this one isn't, if you cannot enjoy yourself with him, then it's time to move on, and at the very least, find someone who is more sensitive to your concerns and can control some of the things they say and do with other girls.

Wow all this advice really helped a lot. Most all of the points I've considered myself but it's nice to hear them from someone else as well.

Well we're both 16 and he's turning 17 soon. I do often feel like I expect way too much out of him and I tell him that all the time. I'll say, "I feel like I'm too much for you and you should just be out having fun". His response is always something to the effect of "There's no one else I want".

I guess I didn't confront the girl because .. A. I hate confrontation when it comes to people I don't know and B. I expected him to push her away and tell her no I have a girlfriend.

Well all this advice helped so much, thank you(:

I agree...

Break up with him as he is obviously getting some pussy behind your back. Your boyfriend shouldn't really be flirting excessively with any girl at all.

The first part was a rude statement. Nothing's OBVIOUS unless he confesses or unless you see it happening yourself.
But it's true that he shouldn't be flirting at all with any girl besides you.

Aww, honey, the truth hurts

Lol, you seem like a bundle of fun, but this is where I depart from the thread. I'm not about to argue with some troll who thinks making people feel like crap, who obviously need REAL advice, is fun.