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Relationships, Dating and CrushesDating and relationships forum. Seek dating advice, relationship advice and chat about your crushes on our message boards.
okay, so i used to be really happy with my current boyfriend. him & i have something comfortable, and our friend groups have sort of meshed together. if one of us gets invited somewhere, so does the other. in the beginning i sort of 'settled' for him looks-wise, because he has a great personality. we've gone as far as telling one another we love eachother, and at the time i felt as if i really meant it. sometimes i felt as if he was being kind of untrue, and was just saying what i wanted to hear. but he treated me right, and that's what made me go for him. he came to me at the right time, right after i'd had a rocky relationship. but i've become really unhappy lately. he's been on vacation in europe for 2 months now, & i thought him being gone would drive me nuts. surprisingly, i barely miss him. life is so easy and, i don't know the word, uhm, free i guess. i haven't cheated on him but there has been times when i wish i didn't have boyfriend tying me down. the other day my friend was talking about her boyfriend and "that feeling" of being in love, the rush at first & everything. i couldn't relate to the feeling at all. sure, it's nice when he calls or gets on aim to talk to me, but i don't look forward to it as much as i should. sometimes when he starts messaging me i get annoyed rather than excited. am i just feeling like this because he's gone? i'm scared that if he comes back he'll be looking forward to seeing me so much that i wont be able to break up with him even if i want to. should i break up with him? if so, HOW DO I DO IT? i feel like if i end this i wont know what to do with myself, but it'll be refreshing at the same time. but it's also nice to have a boyfriend for comfort and to know they'll always be there when you need them. what do i dooooooo? i'm so sorry that this is so long.
First off, how old are you (if you don't mind my asking!) and how long have you been with this bloke?
Sometimes, people 'settle' for relationships for reasons that aren't as such romantic; they simply like the idea of being in a relationship, they like the comfort of knowing that they always have somebody there for them etc. Of course, appearance and personality also contribute to why you'd like to be with someone, but sometimes those things that should be the most important factors in a relationship ... simply aren't. It sounds to me like you two got together because you needed a source of support, comfort and reliability after your previous relationship. I'm not trying to judge, so I'm sorry if it comes across that way! I'm trying to say that maybe with your boyfriend away in Europe, you're coming to realise that you don't find him attractive romantically - you like the qualities about him that make him a good friend moreso than a boyfriend.
You're finding other men attractive whilst he's away, and I think that's highlighted that you don't feel romantically involved with him. I'm not doubting your feelings for him and I can tell that he certainly means something to you, but I'm getting the impression that what you initially needed from him - that sense of protection and comfort - isn't something you want from a relationship anymore, so everything's feeling a bit too-comfortable, and stale.
As brutal as this might sound, people do grow out of relationships and their needs change. If you aren't attracted to him anymore and you don't feel like you used to, it would be fairer to you both if you confessed how you feel. It doesn't have to be done horribly; corny though it is, you love him but you're no longer in love with him. It's something that just happens, particularly if you're young and you've been with him for a while. Hopefully you'll be able to stay friends!
Wait for him to come back from Europe, and see how you feel about him once you've spent alone time with him again. If you find that you're still not feeling anything beyond 'friendly feelings', you could always suggest a break - try meeting other people, and suss out what it is you'd like from a relationship.
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STOP. ARE YOU READING THE ABOVE POST?
If not, do it. I'm beginning to get the impression that 50% of TF is populated by literate parrots/sentient mirrors.
First off, how old are you (if you don't mind my asking!) and how long have you been with this bloke?
Sometimes, people 'settle' for relationships for reasons that aren't as such romantic; they simply like the idea of being in a relationship, they like the comfort of knowing that they always have somebody there for them etc. Of course, appearance and personality also contribute to why you'd like to be with someone, but sometimes those things that should be the most important factors in a relationship ... simply aren't. It sounds to me like you two got together because you needed a source of support, comfort and reliability after your previous relationship. I'm not trying to judge, so I'm sorry if it comes across that way! I'm trying to say that maybe with your boyfriend away in Europe, you're coming to realise that you don't find him attractive romantically - you like the qualities about him that make him a good friend moreso than a boyfriend.
You're finding other men attractive whilst he's away, and I think that's highlighted that you don't feel romantically involved with him. I'm not doubting your feelings for him and I can tell that he certainly means something to you, but I'm getting the impression that what you initially needed from him - that sense of protection and comfort - isn't something you want from a relationship anymore, so everything's feeling a bit too-comfortable, and stale.
As brutal as this might sound, people do grow out of relationships and their needs change. If you aren't attracted to him anymore and you don't feel like you used to, it would be fairer to you both if you confessed how you feel. It doesn't have to be done horribly; corny though it is, you love him but you're no longer in love with him. It's something that just happens, particularly if you're young and you've been with him for a while. Hopefully you'll be able to stay friends!
Wait for him to come back from Europe, and see how you feel about him once you've spent alone time with him again. If you find that you're still not feeling anything beyond 'friendly feelings', you could always suggest a break - try meeting other people, and suss out what it is you'd like from a relationship.
^This. (Again!).
Only you know how you feel about this guy. Let me add one thing, though. A lot of people confuse co dependency (you know, feeling utterly lost without their SO) with 'True' love. Nope.
'True' love (as in mature, healthy love) tolerates (and even welcomes) separation.
Separation nourishes the relationship. Emotional independence and self sufficiency are good things, it means you're able to take care of yourself, and see the other person as an enhancement to your life, not a substitute for what you don't have within yourself.
The way you can tell if you've outgrown him or if the feeling you have now is actually more consistent with 'True' love is to wait for his return and see how you feel about him.
Today's Toppers
should i break up with him?
Re: should i break up with him?
but I'm getting the impression that what you initially needed from him - that sense of protection and comfort - isn't something you want from a relationship anymore, so everything's feeling a bit too-comfortable, and stale.
