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Hey there!

So I'm with a wonderful guy by the name of Chris at the moment - he's gentle, funny, handsome and all that, but the most important thing is that I trust him. He has more experience both sexually and relationship-wise than myself, as he's 22 soon.

I say that I trust him - I mean I think I trust him.

You see, the relationship I had before this one was very troublesome - I was somewhat pushed into the sexual side of things much too early and as a result, to preserve some dignity and self-respect, I dumped the guy. Before him, I'd been with a few more people - say around three or four - and all but one left me for someone else or cheated.

People tell me I'm pretty and such, or that I'm talented and get into the 'why on Earth would a guy dump you for someone else' talk. In all honesty it feels as though it's nothing to do with any of those things - it's probably down to how 'in-with-the-crowd' I am... which I'm not.

Basically, I've been with Chris for almost 2 months now and he has invited someone over to stay for a weekend; a female friend that he's known for quite some time, and lately he doesn't seem to be too bother about me, just about her staying over. Admittedly, he did say that he had totally forgotten about her visit until a few days ago because of the amount of uni work he's had over this past week, but even still... it's a worry. He did tell me quite a while ago about this, too, but I know nothing about the girl other than that she has pink hair, a nose piercing and that she's an 'awesome photographer, really professional'. It's likely that she's more his age. I'm not sure whether or not she has a boyfriend.

I love him more than anything, and I'm terrified of being hurt again. Perhaps this is just something borne out of past disappointments and upsets, but nonetheless I'd like to think that Chris is as upfront and honest as he says he is. You'd be surprised at how gullible I can be and how deceptive some people - particularly males, at times - are willing to become so as to hide something from their partner. Apologies if I now sound like a 'glass-half-empty' kind of person! Lol~

Is there anyone around who has had a similar issue or could offer any kind of advice?

Hello PandaaPaws. I'm John, Welcome to Teen Forumz.

Not trusting your partner is completely normal and understandable. Given your relationship history, you would be a fool if you completely trusted your partner. I've been in your situation, and I know how you feel, so I know what I'm talking about.

The thing is, you should never trust your partner fully. Yes, it sounds harsh, but if you trust someone 100% you're being careless. Being careless, as you might agree, is not safe at all, for anyone. Just love him as much as you can, but don't give him every piece of your heart, that's a mistake. Everyone is human, and everyone makes mistakes, and your boyfriend isin't an exception. He may not break your trust, but it's better to prevent than to try to remedy.

What can you do in this situation? Talk to him. Tell him how you feel insecure about the girl, and ask questions about her. She's staying at his home right? Then you have the right to know basic information about her. And he should tell you if you ask him. But this insecurity exists in every relationship out there, just some people are more clear about it than others. That's where jealousy and insecurity come from.

Other than that, the only thing you can do is to go on with your life normally, love your boyfriend, but don't make him the center of your world. It's like a chair. If you are a chair with only one leg, you'll fall. If you have four legs and lose one, you can lean and not fall. What I mean is to pay attention to your friends, and to your boyfriend equally. Pay attention to yourself. I'm sure you get my drift.

I hope I helped

"If I do good, people might accuse me of selfish, ulterior motives, but I will still do it. Because I believe no one is malicious, not in their core, in their raw being.
The best in them is clouded by sorrows and fears, take those away and you'll bring out the brightest of lights in them.
Because no one can be happy without being kind, without giving ourselves to another, and we all love to give ourselves, it is our true nature.
That is why, even if I might get disappointed, I'll always give the best I've got. A single candle can light a thousand others and still burn." - Skezra

I'm going to be straight up, and say that the longer you hold on to your past hurts, the more it's going to hurt your current and future relationships.
It sucks and it's difficult, but you need to suck it up and let it go.It's not Chris's fault the guys in your past have sucked balls, so why take it out on him? Why make HIM suffer because of other guys?

also, IMO if you don't completely trust him, he's not the one for you either. I've been in the same position.
I even had my best male friend try to rape me but I trust my man 100% because he's never given me a reason not to.

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It's a little difficult to just 'suck it up' and get on with life when it keeps on happening.

He has told me in the past that he sees me as 'the one', but I've been told that before. While there's not complete trust - which, yeah, might be a good thing in the long run - I'm definitely not making him suffer at all. I haven't even confronted him yet, all I'm asking for is some advice. Equally I wouldn't say that it's fair to be comparing other people's past situations with your own, no offence.

As far as the chair metaphor goes, that's a pretty accurate theory!

I will be honest, though, the guy I was with before my current boyfriend I didn't trust for two seconds - why I was with him at all is beyond me so that's probably my own fault in the first place. Haha!!!

Hi Jody,

A few things here. First, you're absolutely right that it's hard to let go of things that continue. The thing here is, it hasn't. You only know Chris 2 months, which isn't a very long time, certainly not enough to determine if he's trustworthy, yet enough to stir the pot. You need more time and experience with him to determine if he's OK or not to trust with your heart. So you fill in the blanks with past experiences, which in your case, leaves you with the willies. Understandable.

It might be helpful to try to control those 'I totally love him' feelings...it's a bit soon for love, that takes time as people unfold themselves to each other and you actually get to know him. Right now, those feelings are preliminary and probably represent your need for love (and his availability as a potential source), rather than anything that's actually developed btw'n you. You'd feel less vulnerable if you could control the neediness.

The way to get over the past and reassure yourself is to try to think about how the bad stuff back then happened...what the patterns were, what the cues were, and see if they match anything now with Chris. It's a reality check, comparing the past with now, you get to see if there are danger signs you need to address. Also, letting him know what your past experiences are..generally...it's too soon to spill all those beans...puts him on notice that you're vulnerable, which allows him to provide necessary reassurance, as well as give you valuable info about him and how he responds to you.

But, regardless of what you do, or what he does, everyone eventually shows who they are, and you can react then. It's easier if you can see it coming, and in order to do that, you have to be able to separate your stuff from what you'e getting from him.

I understand that, but we've known each other for a little longer; it's just for 2 months that we've actually been in a relationship.

As for being open about past issues, he's been very open with me and I feel as though we do have trust at least in that respect which is reassuring. I only hope that this can be useful when it comes to trust between himself and other people. Fingers crossed.

Just let go of your past and move on to the future, and hopefully its brighter (: xx