Teen Forums - Teen Chat, Teen Help, Teen Advice & Support

Imminent wall of text. This one is not a Bel Air. I promise.

Okay, as a little background, I've been forever alone for a long time. I've been to eight different schools throughout my twelve years of schooling, and thus never formed many long-term, close friendships. This caused me to get very desperate, clingy, and just stupid with relationships. Confessing love after a week, attempting to get physical too early, dating after a few days, and moving fast in general. Yup, I did those. I was in a hurry to end my loneliness. So much so that any girl that gave me the time of day just seemed to be some kind of door out of loneliness I just had to get through.

So that happened later, and I didn't fuck it up. A couple years ago (at age 16), I met this girl online (let's call her ex A, for future purpose) through a friend, and we clicked. After a couple weeks of speaking, we decided to be together since we clicked. She lived about 400 km away from me, and so we only met a few times. It was very physical, and emotional, and I thought it was my first "serious" relationship. But it wasn't a deep connection. We found it so cool that we were opposites on a lot of stuff, but eventually, self-loathing and co-dependence held the relationship together instead of us actually liking each other (since we had fuck all to talk about ever.) I broke it off after about seven months. I was super sad and was all like "omg, I love you. I'm sorry" but she (rightfully) would have none of it, and we pretty much stopped talking save the times I got mad at her and messaged her and when she did the same.

Last year (at age 17, soon after I broke up with that girl, I met another one (let's call her ex B). She and I had common interests, similar political views, similar religious views, and other stuff. We used to get high, play videogames, and go to movies, and stuff. It was a lot of fun. We eventually became sexually active, but the relationship barely progressed beyond feelings of friendship for me. I never found myself bringing up how I felt about her, or complimenting her. It was like I was going out with a good friend I could get physical with. She, however, told me she loved me. Whether or not she did, I'm not sure, but she seemed to care a lot more about me than I did about her. I guess being saved from loneliness wasn't enough for me to convince myself a girl had my heart. I broke up with her, but we got back together shortly after, then she got tired of the relationship same as I did before, and we broke it off mutually. We're still civil and talk now and then.

So it's been more than half a year since that girl and I broke up. I hadn't had any interest for any girl save for hooking up with this one girl that I convinced myself meant something so I wouldn't feel bad. I had been pretty damn lonely, and it got really bad, but therapy has helped me recover, and I can find a lot of things to be happy about. I just didn't see myself as having any need for a girl in my life. And I question how I feel all the time, and it really doesn't seem like I just convinced myself I didn't need a girl so I wouldn't feel bad. When I talked to girls, us dating didn't cross my mind. It was liberating. I was finally standing alone.

But things began to change starting around last week to two weeks ago. So a month ago, I met this girl online. She's very interesting. We have similar taste in music, similar opinions on things, but most of all, we can talk for hours. I've thought about what my ideal girl is like, and she doesn't fit all of the aspects. But around last week, we were talking late last night, and from both sides, secrets just started pouring out. I was thinking "why am I doing this? I'm gonna feel like such an idiot after. I really shouldn't." Normally I feel like an idiot if I tell anyone a secret.

But here's the thing. I didn't. I confessed things to her I normally don't tell anyone, and I felt fine. I didn't feel stupid. I began to feel like I could trust her. So then after that, we began having more serious discussions. We'd have normal discussions, too, like we had before, but there would also be conversations about our feelings, and our lives, etc. But we started being affectionate, and it feels good. When she gets affectionate, I more often than not get this feeling in my stomach I haven't gotten since ex A, but the HUGE difference is that I only liked ex A because I was desperate. What I'm feeling for this girl is real. It's who she is, and her affection that is making me happy.

And this is what scares me. I normally have trust issues, but no one has affected me in this way. To paraphrase something I told her in a conversation not too long ago "when my friend tells me about how she cut, purged, and is depressed and stuff, I just tell her that she can get better and that she needs to stick to her therapy. But when you say you're upset, I think "oh no!" I have depended on girls before, but as I said, to save me from loneliness. I've never established my emotional well-being and put a chance at making it better or worse to another person. When I was feeling lonely, it was either leave disappointment for (fake) happiness, or end up disappointed again anyway. I'm not disappointed now, and I could either be really happy with her (should we ever decide to date. We've talked about it briefly), or end up sad.

I think about this girl a lot. The amount I think about her is increasing, too. It's made it hard to listen to music, because I'll end up thinking about her and what we talked about and wonder if she thinks about me too, and if she likes me (even though she says she does, but as I said, I have trust issues). She's scared I'm going to leave, but I'm scared of the same thing, really. I really like things the way they are where we can have a nice, light-hearted conversation that lifts our (or at least my) spirits. I don't want to talk about my feelings all the time and fuck things up.

So, what do I do? Or do you guys need any clarification?

Bumping this with a tl;dr version.

I haven't liked anyone in a long time, I have trust issues, and have trouble sharing my emotions with someone else. I like this one girl now, and I'm not sure what to do about myself to keep things going smoothly as this kind of thing hasn't happened to me in a while and feels totally new.

I will try to read and reply to this tomorrow, I'm not feeling well tonight. My apologies. I know it's hard to sit there and wonder on these things on your own.

From joy to sorrow, yesterday to tomorrow, you've been there. Friends like you are rare, your touch is so gentle,
You're my guardian angel.
Like a blossoming flower spreading your wings in grace, filling my heart with power
by feeling your embrace.

Wherever the wind may blow, we will overcome this war, in times happy or sore, I will never let you go.
With a gentle warm heart and a will of stone, We'll never be apart, You'll never be alone. - John <3

Well, It sounds like things have been going pretty smoothly for you with this girl that you mention. I know relationships can get kind of tricky with trust issues. I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I'll try to.

I think the question you'll have to ask yourself is can you see yourself with this girl? Do you want to date her? I mean, things will change when you date but probably not in a major way for a while. And even if you are dating, a lot of the conversations you have will be about the same stuff you talk about now. However, I don't see anything there to stop you from going to the next level. Judging by the way you are feeling about her, you could have something really special with the girl ( assuming that she feels a similar way and that those feelings continue as you talk to her more and more).

But, I think if you do decide that you want to date this girl, I would try and take it a little slower. Wait a little while longer and talk to her more. Get to know her a little more before you move forward. Just don't rush anything. Don't let it devolve into just a physical relationship. Just take things slow and let things develop. Try and develop a level of trust with her.

That's a very big post

and i'm glad for you ...

Thanks, guys. As of yet I'm unsure about the situation. I'll have to think a bit more. I'm not entirely sure she feels the same way. I guess I'll have to find a way to figure out if she does.

Bumping again because more stuff.

She said she'd date me. We're not dating, but yeah. I'm just wondering if it would be a bad idea if I dated her. I'm neurotic, and I have trouble feeling. Also, I usually don't do well with affection from people. Most of the time I get uncomfortable when people touch me. I get even more uncomfortable when they display a desire to be around me, talk to me, ask questions, and express affection. There is nothing more uncomfortable than someone saying "I love you." Ugh. It makes me cringe.

She says she could put up with my issues and more. I suck at trust.

I think you should go for it, like you said yourself this is rare.. What makes you think you're always going to have opportunities or that this will happen again? You just gotta go with it. And I mean, why not? you're not confessing your love for her and asking her to be with you forever, it's just dating. It's just liking each other. It's JUST in the moment it's really not that scary, I mean it is, but it's not like.. forever. It's not a huge commitment and stuff. Just allow yourself to be happy you know? Stop worrying about who you are or why you feel the way you are just allow yourself to feel. Just allow yourself to be happy, and while being happy you can grow as a person and she may even teach you trust, and what love, the good parts can be like.

From joy to sorrow, yesterday to tomorrow, you've been there. Friends like you are rare, your touch is so gentle,
You're my guardian angel.
Like a blossoming flower spreading your wings in grace, filling my heart with power
by feeling your embrace.

Wherever the wind may blow, we will overcome this war, in times happy or sore, I will never let you go.
With a gentle warm heart and a will of stone, We'll never be apart, You'll never be alone. - John <3

I don't think that it's inherently a bad idea just because of the way you are. I think that there are some things that you should do before you proceed but I don't think it's a bad thing. In fact, it's probably a good thing.

Just make sure that she knows all those things that you just posted above. She needs to know those things so that she knows why you do some of the things that you do. If she agrees that she is willing to go through those things in order to be with you, then I don't really see a problem. Especially since you said that you get along well with her for the most part.

Also, you may have to go out of your comfort zone sometimes in order to make the relationship work. It's not going to be a constant thing but you will have to occasionally. So I would ask yourself if you're willing to try to do that to be with her. If you can try to do that, then that will make things go a lot smoother as well.

I know that you don't trust very well but you're going to have to trust her when she says she'll put up with it. She probably will. On a larger scale, you have to be able to trust her, to some degree at least, in order for the relationship to be healthy and successful. So just try and trust her when she says things like this. Chances are that she actually means them. Personally, I don't see a reason that you shouldn't date her. It seems as if you both seem to want to.

Do you have asperger's syndrome (spell check) or autism? Or just neurotic? Just curious, i had afriend with the syndrome thing. Well two things: Do you want to tell her? If yes, move on to the second thing: Tell her your issues up front. If she still wants to date you then high five dood!!! Good luck.