Teen Forums - Teen Chat, Teen Help, Teen Advice & Support

I've never really been mad at my boyfriend until today.

He just told me that he started smoking weed again. He stopped for a long time, over a year but recently started again. His friends all smoke weed, and they never pressure him into it, because they knew he wasn't for it. So I know this is his choice. I don't know, I just don't like it. And he knows that I don't like being around people who smoke weed, which is why he doesn't really have me hang out with his friends, out of respect for me. But now I just feel a little...I don't know let down.

I know weed isn't that bad, it's probably going to be legalized soon and all, but I'm against it. Currently, it's against the law and I'm against doing things that are against the law. Plain and simple. I don't like associating with people who are breaking the law. I'm a police cadet sergeant. For one it's not allowed, and secondly it's just against my morals.

I don't want to control every aspect of his life. I don't. I've told him I don't really care what he does when he's with his friends, because it's not my place. Plus he always gave me the impression, and told me that he never really participated in anything illegal. I'd like him to stop smoking cigarettes, but I know how hard it is to quit so I don't make a big deal about it. But this he chose to do after he knows I don't like it.
He tends do things that he knows will upset me. It's relatively small things like go to his friend's when I need him, recently he bailed on dinner with my dad and I for his friend's graduation. Each time he says "I should stay with you/tell my friend I made plans" but he never does that. He does the thing that upsets me. But, I understand most situations, so it's no big deal unless it happens a lot in a short amount of time.

So I don't know what to do. I want to ignore it, and I've tried to. But I can't. It's getting to me. One, that he did something knowing I have a problem with it, and two, that he's doing it every night he's with his friends (which is pretty much most nights). I don't know how to bring it up to him, or how to handle it. He's already upset that I'm upset. I don't want to tell him to stop because I don't want to be that controlling girlfriend. I know if I said it's one or the other, he'd choose me, but I don't want to be that person. But at the same time, I just don't want him to. I can't deal with it.

Any advice? Am I being too controlling by not wanting him to do this? I mean, it's his life. Is there a compromise to this?

You're not being too controlling. I wouldn't like it either. In fact, I'd be so upset over it that I'd have to give him the choice of the relationship or the weed. It's even worse if he knew it upset me. It's the fact of worry so much for his health and the fact it's illegal.
I think you should tell him how you feel, sit him down and explain how much you dislike it?

Rhetorical question: if it were against the law for black people to use public water fountains, would you let them get away with it or would that be against your morals too? The law is the law after all.

Black people using public water fountains and smoking weed have exactly the same amount of adverse affect on society, that is, none at all. By contrast, the laws that you enforce have caused numerous non-violent people to go to prison just for smoking weed. Time in prison (where they risk facing violence from other prisoners) and a criminal record, upsetting their lives and making it much more difficult to get a job when they are released. Sending harmless people to prison needlessly is far more unethical than breaking a completely arbitrary law doing something that affects no one around them, or society at all.

You just said it perfectly: It's his life.

A genetically mysterious horde of specimens
sharing their empty lives with me
Grammatically inept common denominators
Destroying all of life's mystery

I think you should ask him to just act responsibly under the influence, and that you would prefer if he didn't. Ask him not to do it excessively. Compromise.

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.”- Nelson Mandela

thesuttonproject.tumblr.com

Or smoke a bowl with him.

A genetically mysterious horde of specimens
sharing their empty lives with me
Grammatically inept common denominators
Destroying all of life's mystery

Unless he smokes around you, it's his life.
Either he's going to be upset, or you're going to be upset if one of you gets your way.

12.07.2007<3 The day he stole my heart.

06.26.2010<3 The day I stole his last name.

your boyfriend probably just wants to feel like he has friends again, and since all his friends smoke he had to too. i don't know how to explain this well, but when a whole group of friends smoke, and then one friend just suddenly stops, it becomes very awkward for that person until they find other friends or start smoking again. cause no one wants to be that single person watching all their friends smoke and have a good time. i know it sounds bad but that is just the way it is.
i wouldn't look at him as choosing weed over you. i would just say he is choosing to have his friends back.

there is more to life than the law you know. if everyone lived by the law holy shit we would have a boring world.

i would allow yourself to be more educated on this subject because it seems like all of your opinions on it is coming from one side of the marijuana debate. watch The Union or something, there is a bunch of documentaries on it. but they are super bias obviously, just like the propaganda commercials. you just gotta look through that.

i don't necessarily think you should smoke yourself since you stated it kinda goes directly against your job and morals...i would just broaden your horizons

It's actually more unhealthy* to smoke the nicotine in cigarettes, so health isn't really a thing. It's more the illegal part and that he knew it would upset me. I don't know if I could give him the choice of me or the weed and spell it out like that to him. I guess I'll talk to him about it, thanks.

* Grammar? More unhealthy? Less healthy? unhealthier?

Weed has also caused my uncle to be a drug addict. It was a gateway into stronger stuff for him. I now never get to see him or my cousin because all he does is ask us for money for weed and other drugs. The last time I saw him I was 6 or 7. My mom has no other family other than him, and it's sad that whenever he calls on holidays it's just for money. So, there's a difference to me between getting a drink of water and that. Yes, my uncle is one of those extreme cases and there are plenty of people who smoke responsibly, but my boyfriend's friends are not the responsible type. They're good guys and all, but they're broke and spend a lot of money on weed.

Yeah and ruin my future career

I know it's his life, which is why I'm pissed at myself for being pissed at him. I don't want to be upset about this. And either way we're both upset. I'm upset, so he's upset. If he stops and he's upset, I'm upset that he's upset. It's now a useless cycle.

While it's his life though, it's also mine. We've been together over a year, so there's a lot invested in our relationship. I've also been in the police cadet program for three years and I'm the top candidate for our future captain. That's the highest rank. I'm already the one setting the example. I can't tell my cadets not to hang around people who break the law when my own boyfriend is. Whether it's a stupid law or not, I don't want to risk my future in a program I love on something so stupid.

I know I'm contradicting myself and just shooting down some ideas, and I'm sorry. I hate when people do that. Normally if I give something like this a night it stops bothering me, but this one hasn't. Partially, I think it's that he knew it would hurt me and still chose to do it. I avoid things that I know would hurt him at all costs, but he never does that for me.

That's an idea. I guess I'll have to talk to him about it soon, and see what he thinks. Thank you.



Sorry for my stubbornness guys. Try not to get aggravated at me, I'm doing that enough for everyone lol. I do appreciate the input though, and I'll keep it in mind when I see him next.

Yeah it's his life but you have the choice if you want someone like that in your life. Relationships, serious ones are about compromising as well. So Id tell him how it makes you feel and how you don't like it, then if he wants to keep doing that you may want to break up. He can do whatever he wants, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who does weed either. I also don't blame you for being pissed he keeps blowing you off.. i get things come up, but he can't keep ditching important things.

So yeah, it's his life. but you're also his life.

You have every right to be upset. From what I understand, this is not a casual relationship. You may have separate lives, but you share something significant together. I assume he knows you have a problem with it. You'd be wrong not to be upset.

How often is he doing it? If he starts coming home high (not sure if you live together) or meeting up with you while he's high, I can see that being an especially major problem. And now you may have to start worrying about that possibility, even worry about him turning into a stoner, etc.

He's doing something you have a major problem with. That simple reality alone can be poisonous in a relationship. And no, it's not your responsibility to change how you feel about it.