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Old 05-09-11, 09:10 AM   #1
 
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Default My homework - English.

Hi,

I learn English only at school and today our teacher told us to write a story about animals. I did it but I'm not sure if it is correctly written. Can you please read it and correct the mistakes? I would be greatful.


It was a sunny Friday.
Two little squirrels were sitting on the branch of the huge oak, which was standing right in the middle of a large park, and eating acorns. From time to time they looked at the children, who were playing hide and seek and laughing at them.
One of the squirrels, Tom, laughed, saying:
- Look, George! That boy thinks he's invisible behind these bins.
- Ha, ha. He really does...
Tom picked another acorn, ate it fast and burped loudly.
- Hey, man! That's nasty! - yelled the second squirrel, George.
- Oh, come on, don't be so tense. We've got holidays, don't we?
George did not answer, because he noticed a little girl, sitting alone on the bench, near their tree. He jabbed his friend:
- Look at that girl in the green dress. She seems to be miserable, doesn't she?
- You're right, so?
- So... maybe we could go to her and make her happy? Children like squirrels.
- Well, okay. But remember to be careful.
They jumped off the oak and slowly wended towards the girl. At the beginning she did not notice them, but when she saw the squirrels, she smiled widely:
- You're so pretty! Maybe you're hungry?
Tom jumped with joy and started eating the crisps. George, as an enthusiast of healthy food, resigned from eating it and just looked at his greedy friend with compassion. When the feast was over and it started getting dark, the girl left the park. Tom and George decided to go back to their hollow.
At night Tom could not fall asleep, he spinned all the time:
- Something's wrong! My skin itches! It's hot! My teeth hurt...
Few minutes later George started to fear, because he realized, that his friend is hardly breathing. Tom was not able to say anything. George's heart started beating faster and faster - suddenly Benny fainted!
George decided to call Lemmy, the doctor, who lived next-door. Lemmy appeared with full equipment in their hollow in less than two minutes. He gave Tom an injection and dripped a drip-bag into his arm.
- Don't be afraid, he's gonna be fine. He is allergic to crisps!
The doctror was right. Tom felt better three hours later, thanked Lemmy for his help and promised not to ate crisps anymore. Although Tom kept his promise and resigned from eating such a junk food, in twenty years he suffered from cholesterol, but it does not matter now. The thing is, that gluttony is the first step to the hell!

Thanks for help in advance.
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Old 05-09-11, 09:15 AM   #2
 
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Default Re: My homework - English.

That's very good well done!
But as it's an English peice, I'd use speech marks like...

One of the squirrels, Tom, laughed, saying "Look, George! That boy thinks he's invisible behind these bins".


Though if your teacher said to do it how you did then leave it!
Oh and sometimes I think you could make two sentences turn into one, using connectives, like the first 2 sentences for example!

But yes, that's good!









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Old 05-09-11, 09:30 AM   #3
 
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Default Re: My homework - English.

But are there no mistakes? For example here?: ,,George decided to call Lemmy, the doctor, who lived next-door. Lemmy appeared with full equipment in their hollow in less than two minutes. He gave Benny an injection and dripped a drip-bag into his arm."

I'll turn ,,-" into " " .
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Old 05-09-11, 09:32 AM   #4
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Default Re: My homework - English.

I'm just going over the story now; I'll post when I've read and edited.
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Old 05-09-11, 09:32 AM   #5
 
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Default Re: My homework - English.

Well i cant see any other mistakes. And okay









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Old 05-09-11, 09:42 AM   #6
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Default Re: My homework - English.

Alright; I've gone over the post and, like Starry said, apart from the speech marks there's really no mistakes. It's a very good piece of writing - well done!

I have however edited it slightly to make it "flow" better, at 'least from my perspective. I can post it if you want, but honestly your own work is fine as it is.
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Old 05-09-11, 09:44 AM   #7
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Default Re: My homework - English.

It's pretty good, other than adding speech marks I like it.










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Old 05-09-11, 09:54 AM   #8
 
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Default Re: My homework - English.

Thanks a lot for your help! I added the speech marks and I hope now it looks fine. I thought I made mistakes, that's why I wrote here. Thanks again.
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Old 05-09-11, 01:11 PM   #9
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Default Re: My homework - English.

It looks good. Very well done there.
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Old 06-03-13, 08:43 AM   #10
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Default Re: My homework - English.

Your English is fab! Everyone who learns English as a second language seems to be so good at it but when English is the first language and you learn something else, it's so hard for us! It's weird.
But you've done a good job.










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