[crimsonangel]

So this girl from back in grade school (kindergarden - 3rd Grade) found me on myspace a month or so ago using her friends account. she said she saw me as a recommendation for her friend, the only strange thing is that I don't know any of her friends nor am in anyway connected to them. But anyway she messaged me with her email and we talked for a little bit. Later she created a Facebook and added me. Over the past month or so we have been talking on nearly a daily basis.

Apparently back in grade school she had quite a crush on me but she moved away after 3rd grade (she only lives about a 10 min drive from me right now) Now after talking with her for all this time she seems like a real nice person and definitely more different from the people I know. When we first started talking she apparently had broken up with her boyfriend but a few days later had got back with him. she's 19 right now and he is the only guy she has ever been with and they just got together a year ago.

From what I heard from her he really seems like a total douche. apparently he gets violent with her sometimes threatens to kill her if she ever left him he even tried getting her pregnant once to keep her from leaving him he's always lying to her apparently cheated on her for 8 straight months with his ex among other things. It pains me whenever she talks to me about him, she will constantly say how bad she regrets ever dating and wished she was single and that she wishes she never went out with him and how she wants revenge against him for cheating on her in fact when she talked with me last night she even was contemplating on cheating on him for revenge which is completely hypocritical on everything she has said in the past, she constantly expresses how unhappy she is and how he is changing her into something she doesn't want to be.

The thing that I cant make sense of is that every time she says all this and I tell her why not just leave him then if all he does is make you unhappy or why not put your foot down and not allow him to treat you how he does. The reply is nearly always the same. First she puts the blame on herself, saying that its her fault for thinking about the past and she then goes to belittling herself as if she doesn't deserve anyone better than him nor able to find someone better and says, "he always does everything for me and he made lots of mistakes that aren't his fault, I have to realize that he changed"

I simply cant understand this reasoning why ask me what should she do then ask me if I think she deserves better and finally ending with her protecting her boyfriend putting all the blame on herself. This really pains me. My friend has given me the title of "emotional tampon" and I find it very irritating. I don't want to be mean to her by telling her she's an idiot for not wising up and putting her foot down or leaving. What should I do?

[Rogan]

You need to make her realise that what this guy is doing to her isn't her fault and that she truly will be better off without him. But, if you can't then there's nothing more you can do. Everyone makes mistakes in life. We learn from these mistakes and they shape us in the future. If she doesn't see what everyone else sees, then it's her mistake and one day, she'll learn from it. There's only so much you can do and if she isn't accepting your help, then as hard as it is for you, you have to let her make the mistakes and be there for her afterwards to get her back on her feet.

I'm sorry it's so negative but that's how I see it.

[itsmenads]

just talk to her

[Qazz]

She obviously wants your attention and is sucking you dry like a leech, the next time she says it don't give her support and instead say something like "You let him do it so don't complain" something like that.. if she is your real friend it won't split you up.

[crimsonangel]

Well last week I had one of the most intriguing conversations with her. It started off with her saying how she’s going to have to see a therapist after everything her boyfriend has put her through, that it is screwing up her life and making it hard to deal with things. Then literally right after that she said she has finally figured out what she was doing with her life and that she cannot wait to move in with her boyfriend and that she wants three kids. She starts going on about how she hates that her boyfriend didn’t lose his virginity to her, that the ex is the only reason her relationship has had problems. She calls the ex a terrible person who did nothing but use her boyfriend for sex and it was her (the ex) fault that he was seeing her behind her back for 8 months. She continues to go on that he loves her and cares for her and would never do anything to hurt her or leave her alone, that everything he did was in the past and there really isn’t anything else he could do. Finally she ends it with saying there is no one else in the world that is better than he is and there isn’t any point in looking. I really came down hard on her that entire conversation, she was being a total hypocrite and she appeared to enjoy being miserable.

A few days later she texted me saying she’s been having dreams with me in them. In one of the dreams I had kissed her. I asked if she kissed me back and she said she did, when I asked if she enjoyed it she just laughed and said she didn’t know. Later she asked if she was ever going to see me again and I said it was up to her. This upset her she said it made it seem like I didn’t want to see her and only if she wanted to, she says that it’s the only thing that bothers her about me that I feel mysterious to be around and talk to that she’s never able to tell what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling. Later she said she wants to see me once schools out for her and and said in these exact words, “we could go on a date. A friend date of course” She also told me the other day she had another dream with me and in this one I was with her downtown and she had broken up with her boyfriend the previous day.

[HitGirl]

My sister had the same sort of problem a couple years ago with the guy she had been dating on and off for about 5 months. The whole relationship was just an emotional rollercoaster that she ranted to me about all the time. He cheated on her as well, he even got 2 different girls pregnant while still dating her. I told her over and over that the relationship was bad for her and he was only going to cause her more harm if she continued to date him. It took her 5 months to smarten up and leave him.

I would be careful of this girl, if I were you. You said at one point that she wanted to cheat on her boyfriend for revenge, and I think that could be what this whole "friend date" thing is about, even though you really gave her a piece of your mind about her being hypocritical. I don't think there's much you can do to get her to break up with her boyfriend, even though clearly she needs to. It seems to me that you've done all you can do to persuade her and she's just gonna need to wake up one day and make that decision for herself, just like my sister did. She convinces herself that even though he cheated, he's a great guy who loves her and is willing to change for her, because she doesn't want to face the fact that maybe he just wasn't into her that much in the first place, or was only dating her for all the wrong reasons. As long as she sees him in this way, nobody is going to be able to convince her otherwise because "love is blind". She's just going to have to see it for herself. Good luck! I hope this helped.

[silvija]

Honestly, if you want to be with your friend, it would be beset without emotional baggage. She has a bad case of learned helplessness with her current boyfriend where she's let him get to the point where she has begun to think like him, attributing blame to others for his and her actions. The best way to remedy the situation would be to remain friends with her and continue to approach and gently admonish her about it.

It's great that she's going to therapy, and I sincerely hope that she'll gain insight about her condition and cut off her boyfriend now. As far as the best plan for you if you want to be in a relationship with her would be to give her time in therapy to become more emotionally stable. She seems as if she becomes rather attached from what you've described, and you probably wouldn't want a controlling, pessimistic partner. However, she certainly needs friends to help support her and help teach her how to be in healthy relationships again.

I wish you and her well!

[David-]

Honestly, I am going to echo the words of Josh. There comes a point in which you have done all you can do and you must let the other person figure it out on their own.

I honestly, do not think it would be wise for you to meet her or go on a 'friend date' with her at all, at the moment. She has far to much emotional baggage and far to much complications. The fact that she's now dreaming of kissing you, poking questions at you that lead in a suspicious direction - it only leads to trouble.

So far you are essentially an unkown party in this situation of hers. And I am almost certain that will change the moment you two went on a 'friend date'. You would then be a player on the field, and I'm not sure that's good for anyone.

Don't forget that even while you're trying to help her out, you must also look after yourself at the same time.

[Sam1]

You should ask her why she's telling you all this.

Who knows what's going on there, but it doesn't sound all too healthy. For whatever reason, for all her complaining (and the obviousness of the wretchedness of this relationship), this girl still finds this behavior acceptable, she hasn't ended what is clearly a very destructive attachment. So at the very least, she's probably incapable of having a good relationship, and this might extend to you, too. Afterall, what she's establishing with you isn't too healthy either, for both of you.

When someone (esp. from our past) shares very personal things that border on the tragic, that are highly emotional (and highly toxic), there's this natural reaction to try to help them fix it, to make it right. We try to share our perspective of reality with them to help right them. That works best, though, when the other person (her) is actually looking for a perspective and a plan to help her. This is not the case with your friend.

Friendship has limits (even old friends who revisit us from a kinder, gentler time), it has to work for both people. Clarify what she wants from you, and see if that works for you. if it doesn't, move on. And maybe remind her since she refers to you rather grostequely as an 'emotional tampon', that even those need to be changed and discared after a while.

(Boy, that felt good).

[HitGirl]

From my experience, it's good to help your friends and give them advice when you can, but you also don't want to get too involved.