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I would first like to say that if you simply tell me to 'by myself' and don't offer much else advice, then I will be compelled to track you down and murder you, because that's all I've been getting recently and it's not what I'm looking for.
Secondly, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read all of this, and don't skim. I know it's long, but as you might already know, I'm DESPERATE and I need help, please..
I am sixteen and I am male. I have recently looked back on life and I have many regrets. These regrets ultimately lead to one thing, which I will describe shortly:
1. I don't really know if I ever had a role model. My dad was always at work, ALWAYS, and even now he is constantly going abroad for business for days on end. There was even one year when my family and I had to live without him due to his work situation. I remember when I was probably 3 or 4, and I used to love playing with him, we used to play with these insect toys I really loved early in the morning, but soon we couldn't anymore because he had to go to work and I never had any other time to spend with him. It's been work, work and more work ever since I was a baby. There was also a period of time, when I reunited with my dad after living apart from him for a year, when I HATED him. I despised him, and I don't know why. It lasted for months. I didn't see him talk to him. It got to the point where, when observing the flowers in our garden one day, he told my mom that it didn't matter how pretty they were because I didn't love him anymore. That was a few years ago, but those were the darkest years of my life, and they made a hole in the relationship between my dad and I; as a result, he became very soft, quite the opposite of disciplinary, and not a very good male role model for me...I think..
2. My sister has been my role model for as long as I can remember. I only recently realized that we both have many similar tastes, such as taste in music, movies and other things. As a result, it has become easier for me to talk to girls rather than guys, and I've only recently developed the need to have close guy friends.
3. I was bullied to the extreme by boys when I was younger, and I used to seclude myself by playing video and computer games rather than socializing. Before this bullying and seclusion, I had a very active social life, I had both boys and girls as friends, and I even had girlfriends at a very young age! I don't really have any friends right now.
4. I moved around a lot
What do I believe this all has led to? It is this: social anxiety and not knowing what is deemed 'girly' by the young male society and what isn't (such as mannerisms and interests). I really don't know. There's a cloud where that knowledge is supposed to be.
But I want to change, to improve, obviously. I want to be manly, masculine. I've went other places and they've told me to just be myself. Well, I am happy with myself. I stick to all my values and ideologies, I am proud of my academic success (4.04 GPA last year), I am proud of the fact that my ancestors were noble, aristocratic warriors and wonder if I have acquired their genes of intelligence, perseverance, strength and toughness, generosity and overall goodness.. I think that if I had a bit more weight and little less acne I would in fact be extremely handsome, I love the fact that I'm into house/dance/minimal/techno music, I want to be a doctor and help people and am proud of that.....................But...I would still like to change. It still takes a very large effort to go in public and talk to people. I love myself, but that's not gonna cut it.
But, see, I don't know what to change into. I'm DESPERATE for a male role model, someone to look up to. I have an uncle but he lives far away. I have another uncle but he lives even further, and he's not as close to me so I don't know how trustworthy he would be with emails (I mean, he could tell the family about all my personal issues, he's not a family member I know well enough to tell all of this to).
Who do I look up to? What do I do? Should I email that first uncle I mentioned? (I can trust him but I don't know how well he could help me...I don't know...). I want to be a party guy, I want to be social and outgoing and fun. I need this, so that I can find an ideal wife for myself, and so that I can be happier. After all, despite the fact that I want to be a doctor, I know that money won't buy happiness. I know that being in a community in which I'm accepted and loved will, and a community which I love in return. I know that you guys probably encourage individuality, but I'm WAY too individual, so individual that sometimes I wonder if the universe is real, no joke there, it's a pretty messed up feeling and freaky too haha.
Do you know of a male equivalent of Jacey Cowlishaw? I see her as a perfect model for girls, not so that they may be arrogant or wear as much makeup as her, but so that they may model her in moderation and develop self-confidence in public as a result (she's on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/JaceyCowlishaw).
As you can see I'm very uncertain about all of this. I know that I will have a brighter future because I will never give up. But that is why I am coming to you, whoever you are, because I don't know HOW to do it. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE, how to be what I want to be.
Ok... I don't feel like being murdered so i'm not going to tell you to be yourself even though that's what i'd usually say..
The best thing you can do is try and become closer to people, maybe someone older that can take you out and you can be friends with but also like an older brother. I used to be close to someone who's family didn't care for him so i was like his family and he always stuck up for me no matter what and was also always there if i needed a chat.
To find more friends maybe you should try joining a youth club or something which would also help with your social anxiety although it would take a lot of confidence to join.
I don't have anyone now I look up to.. i'm the kind of person who's very independent, i think its probably because i have so much family around me that i don't want it, and for you it seems your just desperate for someone who's going to be there no matter what and that you can always rely on but you've never had it.
You seem a nice person and very honest so i'm pretty sure you could make great friends if you try
I understand how badly you're feeling, but what exactly is it you're looking for, what will make you feel better?
It sounds like you're feeling this huge sense of loss not having the type of dad you need, that's what "Role model" is code for, father. Where is he? And more importantly, have you discussed with him your sense of loss and emotional abandonment? It's unclear from what you've said if you've done that, if he really knows what's been going on inside for you. Regardless of how strongly you have felt this loss, that's an experience that's largely private until you share it with the person you feel is responsible for it.
I think step one might be to work with the role model you already have to try to maximize his ability to give you what you need. Some fathers are hopelessly oblivious (and hopelessly selfish), but it's unclear here if your dad has the info he needs to change his relationship with you. So, maybe a discussion with him about your experience here, and what you need, might be the best place to start.
talk to a male counselor at school.
try socializing, like if your sister were to go to a party or an event, go with her and just introduce yourself and meet new people
i know u want to have male friends but as the above said try socializing and if u need to talk i am always around.
the dad part is almost the same as mine but yours is just a little bit more serious.
Your post is very eloquently and coherently written, but I'm still getting a sense that this whole situation's muddled up. Just to clarify; the focal point of your post is that you'd like to be less individual/more of an archetypal bloke, and you'd like a male role model? The part I'm confused about is, do you feel the need for a male role model just because or, say, because the idea's romantic to you? Or because you think he will help you achieve the more masculine image you'd like?
I'm getting the impression that you want a male role model to serve as a male friend or someone that can introduce you to more stereotypical social groups via emulation. Do you just want a close male pal, somebody that you respect and can relate to, or do you want someone to influence your personality?
I'm not sure that role model is the appropriate term for what you want. Society's stock character of a role model is someone that impresses and guides you when you're young/naive and don't know any better. A role model is, ultimately, all about morality.
How far has observation taken you? Do you look at other blokes analytically, and are you able to pinpoint what it is about them and their lifestyles that you'd like to reciprocate? You said that you want to be the type that's 'fun' and that parties. It's a narrow stereotype that I imagine you'd be able to mimic without too much trouble, i.e. a copy of American Pie and taking up a sport at school. So what do you mean by, you don't know how to change?
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STOP. ARE YOU READING THE ABOVE POST?
If not, do it. I'm beginning to get the impression that 50% of TF is populated by literate parrots/sentient mirrors.
Your post is very eloquently and coherently written, but I'm still getting a sense that this whole situation's muddled up. Just to clarify; the focal point of your post is that you'd like to be less individual/more of an archetypal bloke, and you'd like a male role model? The part I'm confused about is, do you feel the need for a male role model just because or, say, because the idea's romantic to you? Or because you think he will help you achieve the more masculine image you'd like?
I'm getting the impression that you want a male role model to serve as a male friend or someone that can introduce you to more stereotypical social groups via emulation. Do you just want a close male pal, somebody that you respect and can relate to, or do you want someone to influence your personality?
I'm not sure that role model is the appropriate term for what you want. Society's stock character of a role model is someone that impresses and guides you when you're young/naive and don't know any better. A role model is, ultimately, all about morality.
How far has observation taken you? Do you look at other blokes analytically, and are you able to pinpoint what it is about them and their lifestyles that you'd like to reciprocate? You said that you want to be the type that's 'fun' and that parties. It's a narrow stereotype that I imagine you'd be able to mimic without too much trouble, i.e. a copy of American Pie and taking up a sport at school. So what do you mean by, you don't know how to change?
I did not perceive that there was anything wrong with the way I used the term "role model", but I now see that there was. I confused the term with someone from whom one learns how to imitate at a very young age and forgot about the moral aspect of it. Thank you for pointing this out. You are the only one so far who has quite thoroughly understood my post. I shall address you, bambi, because I have conjectured that you are very intelligent.
Yes, I would like to conform to the physical characteristics of the stereotype of the outgoing, loud party guy. As in, adopt his mannerisms, the way he speaks and talks etc. Since I do not know anyone intimately of this nature, I was compelled to come and inquire about how to do it here, as I was, as you know, desperate. I do not know how to do it for this reason, including the fact that I do not know of any resources (multimedia, etc.) that can help me, whereas it vexes me so to know that the female stereotype depicted in the media is presented...well...more frequently (constantly on billboards, on TV, etc.). Or perhaps I never really noticed the male image of the media until today. I really wish I could be like them, and I will, though I need to find a solid and concrete way how, so that I may practice daily and improve before my final year of school.
I apologize for such unclarity, but even my own predicament is difficult for me to comprehend all on my own. I suppose it all comes down to fitting in with those who appear to have the highest social status; at my age as well as in the twenties, those people are the outgoing, loud, party people, who exude mountains of confidence because the way they act is considered 'cool' in accordance with the mannerisms of the stereotypes of young people forged in the media, which these people of 'high social status' appear to reflect in their physical/outer characteristics.
For example, take a look at the popular music culture. I want to be like people like Steve Ingrosso, Axwell, Steve Angello, Calvin Harris, Pharrell, Usher, ... and the guys from Jersey Shore who have coined themselves the derogatory term "guidos". These "guidos" of the Jersey Shore show are very much hated by many, but I see them as confident and cool and should a man maintain their individuality to an extent while becoming like them, I believe that this man would be very cool. I wish not to change that which is within me to a huge extent (such as my core values and beliefs), but mainly that which is on the outside, so that I may be like them. I may achieve this by altering my appearance, but it's the mannerisms, and what they talk about, and how they act, that's what's difficult to impersonate, simply because I don't have the confidence to do it in front of my family, or in public due to the fact that I often 'do' it quite badly.
Notwithstanding, I am very determined to do it. Should I watch the entire set of episodes of Jersey Shore and mimic the disposition of the "guidos"? Someone suggested that I watch Arnold Schwarzenegger and the like. Do you think that this would aid me? ... (Mind you that I would not like to be a chav or something hick-y or tacky, but cool...I am sorry if this post is so unclear, because it is quite often difficult to express things on the internet).
Hey, don't apologise! Like I said, it's a situation that has you a little confused and I think it translated slightly into your post. Not that that's a bad thing at all - it's indicative of your honesty.
A lot of people are of the opinion that popularity comes from being yourself, unabashedly. In a highschool situation the social climate's a little bit different, and certainly more immature (generally), and most people are fed a preconception of what's 'cool' by the media. Ergo there's almost always a stereotype that gives a degree of popularity if you conform to it.
I live in Britain, and I found that in our equivalent of highschool, the most popular stereotype for blokes was 'the underachiever'. Someone that didn't try particularly hard with academics and favoured physical education, and someone that bullied others in order to assert themselves as humorous and superior. As far as I know, the stereotype that you're describing isn't as derogatory and base, and you've said that you want to retain your morality. Which is really bloody great.
In which case, I think the place to start would be your appearance. Sorry! I know you've said that it's the easiest part and it isn't the key to changing, but I think it's a good kick off.
To echo yourself, look at the popular culture; what hairstyles and clothing brands are in-vogue, which physical characteristics represent your stereotype best? Looking the part might seem shallow on paper, but it's akin to acting: the costume makes you feel more in character. However, I will say try not to be too specific. Wanting to conform to an image is fine, but being a carbon copy might make you seem desperate, try-hard and dim. Bring a little creativity to your look if you can. To use your example of Usher; he's rarely seen without sunglasses and a white fedora, and although they're 'just accessories' they're a regular, conspicuous part of him and they contribute to his overall persona.
In response to your Jersey Shore suggestion ... One of my hobbies is writing, and a close competitor is reading. I find that if I've had my head in a book for a while, not only will my writing be influenced by the author's style, but my monologue will be as well. I also find that my attitude's affected by what's happening in the book because I've been so absorbed.
My point is that you'd have to enjoy Jersey Shore, or at least want to enjoy it. Being able to empathize with the actors find them impressive would be key, too, but I'm sure that if you really got 'in to it' you'd pick up on some of the vocabulary, the mannerisms. Influence is often subconscious.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SomeGuy
but it's the mannerisms, and what they talk about, and how they act, that's what's difficult to impersonate, simply because I don't have the confidence to do it in front of my family, or in public due to the fact that I often 'do' it quite badly.
This intrigued me on a personal level.
I live in a very small town and grew up with the same mass of people from age 10 to 16. When I was younger I was very gawky and bullied, and because I was always surrounded by the same people I felt as if I wasn't allowed to change/wouldn't be able to. When I was 16 I went to a faraway college where nobody knew me and was able to reinvent myself as the person I'd wanted to be without fear of more teasing or being judged.
Would you be able to take a short holiday to somewhere beachy and fun, or sign yourself up for a weekend activity trip? Somewhere that your desired stereotype will likely be, and somewhere you'll be on your own and able to try out the person you want to be without feeling scrutinized. You could get by on the basics - talking about girls, booze, your football team - and meanwhile immerse yourself in the genuine culture.
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STOP. ARE YOU READING THE ABOVE POST?
If not, do it. I'm beginning to get the impression that 50% of TF is populated by literate parrots/sentient mirrors.
I'm part British, so I know what you mean by that stereotype you mentioned. I don't go to a British school anymore, but for most of my life I did. I think if I remained in a British school, I could potentially be even worse off, because I personally find that the young British culture is a lot cooler than the American one and therefore more intimidating! Those L.A. folks can be pretty scary too, though.
Though I think there's some kind of universal 'cool' that anyone in the western world can adopt. And yes, it's that stereotype that is commonly displayed in the media that I'm talking about.
Thankfully, I do find Jersey Shore fascinating. I've never been exposed to that sort of culture before, and they really appear to be at the height of fashion, so much so that to model them even slightly would probably make me feel better. Although I've tried in public and I've often felt stupid. Whenever I try to act in any way that exudes confidence (like those J Shore guys) a little voice in my head says, "this isn't you. Don't be an idiot. You are nothing like that, you are awkward, and doing that will make you more awkward because it will attract negative attention" I really despise it. It's seriously way harder than getting straight As in school.
I think you're right about appearance. It's strange, though, that every time the thought of changing my appearance comes to mind, I ALWAYS get that voice that tells me that "that is not me, to do that would only make things worse because you'll get way too much attention, and everyone will think about how fake you are". THAT'S the bad thing. THAT'S the main culprit: I don't want to come across as fake, because everyone in my community already knows me as this awkward shy guy.
That's when what you said about going on a vacation and taking a break struck me. Going somewhere where you're new, where no-one knows you and you have a fresh start, where anything you be in your first impression to them will stay with them even if you used to be different. That's why I can't wait for university, but I've realized that socializing starts NOW, otherwise in university it might be the same as it is now (shy, anxious to meet people etc.). It's just that it's really difficult to change in my own community without people looking down on it. And summer's over, and I'm only sixteen, so there's nowhere to go 'till next summer. There's this one guy who I met where I go on vacation in the 'hood, he invited me to his house but of course like a dumb*** I didn't go...next summer I will go. But that's next summer, not now, you know?
So that's my main fear: SEEMING fake to others, seeming as if I'm trying to be cooler. Although deep down, I know that I shouldn't care what other people think. So I WILL try to better my overall disposition. I guess I should do it in baby steps then, so as to make the change seem inconspicuous?
I used to have friends in my school, friends who are now pretty popular in their own clique. But over the years I lost them, and one day I said "hi" to them but they ignored me. I don't want to come across as a wimp to you, or to anyone, but it made me feel like turd lol. I do drama class, and I've been in a few plays, and at times I was compelled to act like a girl, a gay, and I developed a reputation of being gay among some people! One boy even asked me if I was. The truth is, I'm not; it was just easier to act that way on stage because I've grown up with my sister as my model. I also hung out with very unpopular people. I have no idea how I'm supposed to revive my reputation in school! So that's also why the prospect of changing myself is scary; I don't want to come across as completely desperate, because a jump from down there to up there is unusual. Yeah, that joining activities thing sounds good though, so I suppose.. that way you are completely new..
I know it's a completely irrational fear, it really is. And if I could, I would strangle it to death happily, I would conquer it, I really would. But it lingers there in my head, the damned thing, and it has formed a bloody brick wall between me and my goal. I suppose courage is the key...courage is the key for a lot of things. What do you think, bambi?
Today's Toppers
Desperate.. (please help)
