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I'm having a really big identity crisis right now but I'm not sure how to deal with it as I am scared of losing everything.
Ill start by saying im a huge nerd, I was raised with computers and electronics and have always been very passionate about them, both computers themselves and gaming, programming etc. This was obvious in middle school, I was the only guy with medium length hair and I got bullied a lot, but I started to split into what I feel like is two seperate people when I hit high school which I thought was fine but recently its starting to get to me.
Long story short I got some style, worked out, started running and doing sports and made quite a few friends at the cost of not being able to be what I feel like is my real self around the majority of people I know as I will just be labelled a freak/nerd again, which wasnt exactly a high point in my life.
Now that im in college surrounded by a lot of people with similar interests, I have made quite a few new friends that aren't shamed to talk about what they love.
My problem is that these two worlds are colliding, both online and in real life. My facebook and MSN are full of friends from both sides of me, and friends from one side are seeing friends from the other and making judgements. I feel like I want to share the passion and fun with friends that have similar interests to me, but I cant because most people are too narrow minded and you either have the same views as them about people, or you are their enemy. Im starting to lose the little freedom I had to express my real self and being backed into a corner.
I dont want to have to choose one side (Although I wouldn't mind dissapearing from the lives of the friends that I am fake to, since really the friendships are fake and they are the result of me not having anyone around me that was similar when growing up), Im afraid that if I choose I may end up losing everything and be back at square one.
I dont know what to do, the pressure has been building too long and through this year I ended up going to the doctors because I was getting intense feelings of depression and thoughts of suicide, and being generally very irritable and absent minded all the time, councelling didnt work at all (I ended up being taken off it) and my doctor didnt seem to want to prescribe anything to help so I have been stuck with enduring it myself.
Interestingly enough I am going through a similar experience as you are. My advice is do not try to keep both "sides" of friends, this will only lead you even more into your downward spiral. Honestly, its like "trying to grasp sand" if I remember the saying properly: the more tightly you try to hold onto it, the more it spills.
The pressure must have been distracting as well hasn't it since you're trying to adjust yourself to the expectations of your friends. My best advice would be put it out all in the open for you friends: if you can't then obviously you don't consider them your friends.
Tell them what you are going through and hopefully they will support you during your time of need. From what I heard you still have some friends that share your "true" interests from both sides. Focus on quality not quantity. In the end of the day, you'll want to hang out with those you share interest or get along with better.
If one side cannot co-exist peacefully with the other, do you really need all that drama, pressure, and stress, especially in college? This is not to say to shun them all aside, since you will need some support during your stay at college. Simply find those who you find that you can share basically anything with and rely on at a moments notice. Hopefully this helps, I know I wished I had thought of this back two years ago... best of luck!
I cant really talk about my problems with anyone, I have always been introvert and very closed off, Im the product of a somewhat broken family. The huge episode of depression I faced was the result of the relationship between me and a girl I had recently me, and me trying to explain my problems to her.
Also I live in an area where there are no other people my age interested in computers or anything, most of those friends I see through college and they commute from all over the North East and sometimes further out, so seeing them outside of college times becomes difficult, which in turn makes developing a real close relationship with any of them very hard.
I need to put on a mask and take what company I can get otherwise I become very lonely and depressed, but I get depressed anyway sitting longing for friends that are similar to me and I can become close to.
Im looking forward to University next year though, since I feel it will be a great time to turn over a new leaf and take control of my life with the new freedom.
Ah I was under the impression you were not transfering to an university. Yeah, I tried explaining to my girlfriend also and she didn't take it well (ah wait mean ex-girlfiend)... in any case do you really want to put up with this for one more year?
True, the next year afterwards you may lose touch with your friends as you transfer to another location but do you think it will be easier then to talk with others? Currently I'm on an appartment living with my "friends." In 2 days from now, I'll be gone one way or the other since they had forgotten about me and rented my room to someone else.
Yet I still put on a false smile and type away as the rest are in a different room watching movies. This is what happened to me when I "put on a mask and take what company I can get" as you said. Do you really want friends like that? True, I'm depressed when I'm alone but at this point I feel depressed either way, if not more.
Quote:
...it will be a great time to turn over a new leaf and take control of my life with the new freedom.
Do you really expect anything about you will change just because of a new setting? If you're too closed to say anything right now, you'll likely be then as well if not more after enduring the year. Not saying to spill out your heart, but little by little talk with someone you're comfortable with.
My first step to this was posting everything here as well, since I couldn't find anyone to actually "talk" to. I tried 2 counselors, a psychiatrist, and a doctor and it still didn't help, though I did understand what I was going through. You really should take advantage of the fact that you still have friends among you that you can relate to at this moment and speak openly to them.
Yet I still put on a false smile and type away as the rest are in a different room watching movies. This is what happened to me when I "put on a mask and take what company I can get" as you said. Do you really want friends like that? True, I'm depressed when I'm alone but at this point I feel depressed either way, if not more.
I meant that is what I currently am forced to do because its so hard to see people from college in person outside of college hours, I constantly go out with all of these people that Im not really close with just because I dont want to be alone.
Also yeah I do think a new setting will improve things for me vastly. Its hard to explain what my relationship is like with my family, but I am unable to show any emotion or expression around them, it makes bringing friends, girls or anything into the house impossible right now. My current 'friends' and just this general area Im living in are also an obstacle I need to get out of the way if I want to impove things.
I certainly cant talk to anyone right now because I dont feel anyone is close enough to be able to trust with that, and the people my age in this area just arent the kind of people I want to be friends with. I have bad emotional problems, it tears me apart talking with someone about my deepest feelings, just like it did earlier this year.
I have no problems making friends, I can do small talk with new people and build friendships with them, I mean I started this course last year and it didnt take long before I was friends with 15 or so people in the class. I see Uni as an escape from this current situation, I will be placed on my own and have the freedom to build relationships with whom and when I want to.
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Identity crisis
