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Hi, I'm not one of those troll things or whatever they call them now - I just need help with this situation. I fully take responsibility for it - I just need help on handling it. I'm an adult now (I just turned 18) and I started "seeing" one of my old teachers. I met him when I was 17 - he was my senior year English teacher (he's 40). We didnt do anything (like dating-wise) until I was 18 and he's not at fault, it was me who started everything. I just need help on getting out of the relationship...I feel so guilty and I know I dont deserve help - he has a wife and two little kids - and it's just not right. I know I'm only 18, but it feels like I love him, though and he said he loves me, too - but he has a family and I can't destroy that. I feel so bad its unbearable - but I've tried just ignoring him and telling him that it was wrong but he says that he loves me and I dont know what happens. One time, I told him that we werent going to see each other any more and he said it's not over until he says so and then he said that he loved me too much to let go. How do I get out of it? I mean - I cant destroy his family if I havent already - i'd rather be dead than do that.
First off, this guy has a family. It's not upto him, as he puts it, when this ends. This ends now. Because aside from the fact that he's cheating on his family, you're giving him the wrong impressions.
Frankly, it's not about love, it's about what's right. You need to realize that. No need to beat around the bush and try to let him off slowly, you do it quickly, ASAP. Band Aid Fast. The more you hold it off, the more horrible it gets. If he's being too emotional, or grippy, sit down and talk to him. Tell him he has a loving family, and that you have a future. If this doesn't end right now, both of those things are going to get seriously messed up. I kid you not.
And also, don't try to listen to any 'excuses' or reasons he may have. If he threatens to black-mail you, you pull it around, and threaten to black mail him.
I relize I sound harsh, that's because I know what happens if this goes on. You can't hide anything like this for too long. Better to stop it now before things get ugly. I know ugly, believe me, you don't want to cause his wife or kids agony, and you don't want to be dragged down by this mess.
Charlene, you need to tell him to not contact you or you'll file harassment charges with the police.
It was bad judgment (to put it mildly) for him to start a relationship (and such an intense one, no less) with a student. So, it;s not unexpected that he'd have difficulty tolerating your appropriate desire to discontinue this.
Be strong, say what you need to...and then stop all contacts with him, don't answer the phone when he calls, don't respond to any electronic messages, just stop entirely.
This isn't your 'Fault', btw....a teacher is a teacher is a teacher, forever and always (even when the student 'grows up'). The boundaries (and perceptions) that define the relationship are formed when you were a student and a minor and don't change, it was his responsibility as the teacher and the older adult to know how to conduct himself here. He presented himself as the bait, the irresistible possessor of knowledge and acknowledgement and support...but in context of you being the student, not an equal.
Say good bye, tell him "Police", and never talk or communicate with him again. He's disturbed.
What I'm about to say is harsh, but true!
1. That old hipster is just using you, DON'T BE FOOLED!
2. Go get yourself a normal boyfriend at your age! Why are looking at that old guy when there are so many handsome guys around!
Don't be fooled just because he is nice to you! He is like a wolf in sheeps clothing! Remember there's no perfect relationship (and if guy is acting too nice to you, obviously something is wrong).
Thank you guys for your help. I tried breaking it off yesterday and now I'm at my grandmother's house (it's out-of-town and he doesnt know) because he was pretty...well, pissed. He still keeps saying its not over, but I'm doing everything that can to break it off - I havent talked to him since, ignoring his calls, blocked his email, etc. I'm just scared (even though I did put myself in this position). How can I make sure that he doesnt like hurt me?
Thank you guys for your help. I tried breaking it off yesterday and now I'm at my grandmother's house (it's out-of-town and he doesnt know) because he was pretty...well, pissed. He still keeps saying its not over, but I'm doing everything that can to break it off - I havent talked to him since, ignoring his calls, blocked his email, etc. I'm just scared (even though I did put myself in this position). How can I make sure that he doesnt like hurt me?
You've done the right thing in cutting off all communication with him. I would guess it will take him a little bit to accept it and let go - but if you ever feel like he's a threat to you and your family's safety and well-being get the police involved. Yes, it will bring a lot of things to light - but the safety of you and your family is paramount.
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
- Washington Irving
Since you've done the right thing so far with what people have suggested..
Ill be the black sheep here and say, you need to somehow tell his wife. I mean, it's not fair to her, or the kids, Yeah... it may "break up" the family but he's just gonna go run around and find other people to cheat with, so... even though they'll be hurt it's been then them living in the dark and his wife giving her life to him.
From joy to sorrow, yesterday to tomorrow, you've been there. Friends like you are rare, your touch is so gentle,
You're my guardian angel.
Like a blossoming flower spreading your wings in grace, filling my heart with power
by feeling your embrace.
Wherever the wind may blow, we will overcome this war, in times happy or sore, I will never let you go.
With a gentle warm heart and a will of stone, We'll never be apart, You'll never be alone. - John <3
^ I can see the reasoning behind Kate's post, but I'm going to respectfully disagree with it.
Charlene, you're in a tough spot and you've cut communication off with him. But now you're worried about him potentially becoming extremely obsessive/possessive and hurting you. What's a sure way to see that come to pass? Going to his family.
But that's not the reason as to why I suggest against that. It is not your place to tell her - it is his responsibility to own up to his own actions and short-comings. Personally, I'm the type of person who hopes for the best in everyone - so I would hope that he finds the strength to tell his wife and seek her forgiveness for it. His relationship has a better chance of surviving if it comes in such a fashion. If it comes from you - chances are the crap will hit the bigger fan.
So in short, I think you're already doing the right thing as it is. Maybe at best you should tell him that he should tell his wife - but at the end of the day its his responsibility and place to tell her - not your's.
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
- Washington Irving
But he's also already showed for a grown man who's supposedly mature enough to have a wife and kids, doesn't give a damn, so is he going to tell his wife? most likely not. If his consciousness hasn't won over already, it won't. Yes, it's not up to you but think about if you were married and had kids, would you want to go on years and years and years being cheated on simply because it wasn't someone's "place" to tell you and they were waiting for your stupid husband to finally own up? Personally, id be pissed if someone knew and didn't tell me. I don't want to waste my time and life and love on someone two faced like that.
From joy to sorrow, yesterday to tomorrow, you've been there. Friends like you are rare, your touch is so gentle,
You're my guardian angel.
Like a blossoming flower spreading your wings in grace, filling my heart with power
by feeling your embrace.
Wherever the wind may blow, we will overcome this war, in times happy or sore, I will never let you go.
With a gentle warm heart and a will of stone, We'll never be apart, You'll never be alone. - John <3
Today's Toppers
I dont know what to do. I need help.
