[LindseyLady]

(I also posted this on yahoo a while ago) Okay, this is kind of hard to explain but I just need help with this. So, me and my best friend (we're both female and she is two years older than me - I'm 17, she's 19) have been best friends since I was practically born (our parents go way back and all of that stuff). Well, her younger brother (he's 18) and I have started dating (he's my first boyfriend; I'm his first girlfriend, etc.), but no one knows - we've kept it a secret for obvious reasons. We've been dating for about a year and a half and a few days ago, we were going to take our "relationship to the next level" - as in sexually (we had planned it and everything so it wasn't like spur of the moment). Problem is is that while we were kissing, he stopped and it kind of looked like he was going to cry, so I asked him what was wrong and he said "nothing" but after I kept asking, he eventually told that from the time he was 5 years old to when he was about 11 that he had been sexually abused by a male family member ( it wasn't his father and he's the only male out of four children - he's the youngest child - we talked about it in more detail, but I'm not going into that). Thing is is that no one else knows about it except for the abuser, my boyfriend and me. The abuser has passed away now (rather recently - about a year ago) but he still won't talk to his parents about it because he's still afraid that they won't believe him. So, I need help in a couple areas: 1) How can I help him - if possible - with this, like he's been silent lately and I told him that I don't think differently about him and that I love him and that I'm here for him, but it seems as if he's ashamed - which is horrible but understandable. I don't want him to think that he has to hide this further from me and 2) If it is my place, which most likely it's not, but still, if it is, should I try to get him to talk to his parents about it - I'm not going to say a word about it (well, aside from this question), ultimately it's up to him, but should I try? 3) Now, I know this part sounds completely trivial compared to everything else but if he agrees to it, how should we go about letting people know that we are together in the first place? I hangout with him and his sisters a lot because one of them is my best friend and we've (the whole group) have always hung out together and still me and him just act as if we're friends when we're all out together. This whole situation is just fragile, I have no idea how to go about any avenue to fix any of this. Sorry about the super long explanation.

[No1butUuu]

Wow, this is a tough one. Well I guess the best place to start is from the beginning right? In this case it would be at #1. Well, I think that the best way that you can help him is by simply being there, by letting him know that you are always there for him and that you love him, like you have stated that you are already doing. Sometimes the best way to help a person is simply by being there, it doesn't always require words. Sometimes the presence of the person/people that you love and care about can be a comfort. I don't think that there is anything wrong with you trying to get him to talk to his parents about the whole situation. Sometimes the best way to deal with an issue such as this is to talk about it, to let it out, to release that burden, that secret that you carry with you from day to day. With that being said, you also have to know that you can't push him to do it if he's not comfortable or ready to do so. But encouragement can be helpful nonetheless. And finally, I think the best way to let people know that you guys are together is just to be carefree. Just be yourselves, be how you would if people weren't around. True it's easier said than done. You don't necessarily have to shout it out to the world to let people know that you are together lol. Just relax and enjoy your relationship as much as possible

[16teengirl]

If he wants to keep it a secret let him just be there for him and listen to what he has got to say. Tell you're best friend you are dating him and that you love him tell her everything may be hard at first but you can't keep a secret forever his parents has got to know from him.

[Sam1]

This is a tough one because of the issues and the obvious sensitivities involved. But, the answers are fairly straightforward (that's me trying not to be too cocky and say "Easy", or "I've got it!"..lol).

OK, first, he's 18..so he's an adult, so there's no need to involve his folks, unless he wants that. Part of the luxury of being an adult (even if you've been together since before that) is that you really do get to make your own decisions based on what you want. If he wants to not involve them (or, not just yet), I don't see a problem with that. And neither should you. His attacker is (thankfully!) dead, so there's no imminent danger, and he's in a position to address this privately without their knowledge or consent.

But, he should really be in therapy. The scars of that trauma will likely stay with him and haunt him until he exorcises them with a good doc. This I would encourage him to do, maybe offering to go to the first appt. with him. Much more important than the parent issue.

Second, the issue of you guys coming out is complicated by his abuse. Not only will it likely interfere with some component of the sexual relationship you're about to embark on, but perhaps more importantly, what you're basically doing now is keeping your relationship a secret from the rest of the family. Under normal circumstances, this might be Ok (that 'adult thing' again), but kids who've been molested or abused typically have great issues with trust and openness....the abuse happened in secret, and by someone he knew...and therefore the secretive aspect of this is doubly destructive: It reinforces the idea that family cannot be trusted and secrets are OK..even when they're terribly destructive. For that reason alone, you should tell them.

The issue then becomes how to do that..clearly it's very important to not have his fears realized by having family freak out, so you might need to some prep work to make sure they're Ok with it..ease into it in a way that better assures their acceptance, do some behind the scenes work. This will go far to begin the work of restoring trust in family (read: close relationships) and the need for openness and honesty.

This is complicated stuff, you should go very slowly, and talk with him and maybe his new doc to coordinate all this and assure success.

Good luck, keep me posted.

[LindseyLady]

Thanks for the advice. He said that he may tell his parents but he still thinks it's pointless. I'm not going to push anything though. It just seems as if now he is more distant than he was before. Do I just let time close the distance or is there something I can do?

[Sam1]

Well, it's not unusual that when people share traumatic events they pull back a bit, it's a self protective reaction.

You might need to tolerate his reactions, he's dealing with some difficult material. However, you can make some observations about his distance, be supportive, ask if he's OK..I don't think he's doing this intentionally, don't personalize it.

He wouldn't have shared this if he didn't feel close with you, so don't assume that has changed..it really is his unplanned and unexpected reaction to bringing it up. Typically, when people gently reflect back what they see in a loved one, the other person responds to it.

I still think therapy might be a crucial part to all this, however....