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I recently came out of the closet as a bisexual. One of the first people I told about it was my best friend.
Fast forward to a few weeks later, she admits she's bisexual as well. But apparently I'm the last to know. She's told several people online for years, and several months ago, a mutual friend of ours. She also says the information is on her facebook profile, but she has it customized so that everyone knows but a few blocked individuals - I go on there and apparently I'm one of the SPECIFICALLY blocked individuals who can't see that information. :/
But what also confuses me is that last week she told me she considers herself straight but kind of liking girls. Then she tells me she might be asexual. But then she's been telling others FOR YEARS that she's bi. I asked for clarification, but she got really uncomfortable.
I don't know what's going on, but I feel like she's had this whole secret life that she hasn't been telling me and STILL isn't telling me. And I asked her why she didn't feel comfortable sharing this information, and apparently it was because of a small joke about her sexuality I made four years ago that I can't even remember.
And I love my friend to death. We talk every day, and hang out all the time, and she's always been there for me. But the bottom line is that I'm hurt that I'm the last to know about all of this, and confused about why I'm getting a different story about her sexuality every time when she was one of the first people -I- came out to.
Relate to her. Often times people make jokes and forget about them, but the people the jokes are directed at have a much harder time forgetting. There are times we make a joke without thinking anything of it, but it stings.
In this case the joke kept her from feeling comfortable. As far as her telling people, really its her decision on who she tells and when. I know that with one of my closest friends, she found it most difficult to tell me she was bisexual. Because of my religious beliefs she assumed I would reject her and walk away. Even though we were extremely close friends.
My point, even though you opened up to her and told her that you're bisexual... Doesn't mean she's going to be able to open up straight away about being bisexual as well. And her confusion over being straight, bi-curious, bi-sexual, or asexual... she doesn't know for sure and is probably still trying to figure it out.
I would say that yeah, I'd be hurt as well at the whole thing. But I don't know that I'd say its right for you to be angry with her. But I would talk to her and tell her how you feel about it.
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
- Washington Irving
No, you don't....or more accurately, your anger isn't really justified.
You're responding to exposing a part of yourself to someone, and finding out they have chosen to withhold that same info from you. There's a bit of vulnerability there, but it's a stretch to believe that her process in revealing something that's pretty major should be the same, that the timing should be the same, as yours.
Deal with your own sense of vulnerability, and address whatever her reasons were for withholding this for so long so she doesn't feel she needs to in the future, with other things.
Thank you all for the advice and kind words... You're right. I've thought about it and I have no reason to be angry, but I guess I'm just hurt. I just wish I'd remembered what I had said four years ago that she still seems to. And that one incident against all the times we've been in support of gay rights together and all the times I have told her I'm not judging her confuses me. :/ It just feels uncomfortable being part of a small, singled out group of people kept in the dark when she is telling people she doesn't even know in person that she's bi, while giving me several different stories on any given day. I will try and talk to her again about it like you all have said, but I'm afraid of making her uncomfortable and I don't know what else I have done to make her so self-conscious about this and so afraid of me judging her.
Melissa, there's a chance that she just wasn't ready to tell you...remember you're talking about pretty major stuff here. It takes time and there's a process that goes on inside before revealing really personal stuff. You're taking it personally, that's a problem here. It's not just about you, it's about her, too.
Try separating your reaction to when you found out from her potential need to just do a bit more of her own work before telling you. Maybe this isn't something you need to talk with her about, but just be aware that for her, you might be someone who she takes a bit more seriously..and just provide lots of support and reassurance to her for this step..and your commitment to the friendship.
I can understand you being confused and slightly hurt, maybe even a little jealous. It kind of hurts when you find out that your best friend was willing to share a secret with someone else, but they didn't come to you.
But there's more to it than that. It doesn't mean that she doesn't trust you, or that she doesn't care about you. It doesn't mean she likes her other friends better than you. With the way our society is, coming out is a really sensitive process. And the last person anyone wants to lose because of homophobia is their best friend.
I was telling online friends that I was gay for almost two years before I told my best friend. Why? Because I didn't know them in real life, and I didn't really care what they thought of me. But I was scared to tell my best friend because I had no idea how she would react, and, well, I just wasn't ready. She was completely supportive of gay rights, but I know a lot of people who appear to be supportive but turn out to be homophobic. I'm guessing it's the same situation with your friend. A lot of people will pick one close friend to come out to initially, but some will start by coming out to people they don't know as well. It's easier that way because they're less afraid of what these people are going to think, and they have a better chance to judge future reactions. But when it comes to best friends, it can be really scary. A lot of gay or bisexual people have come out to close friends who they thought they could trust, only to be rejected in disgust. It's not an easy thing to do.
So your friend is probably really unsure about coming out to people right now, and she's just trying to get comfortable and ease into it one step at a time. She's probably also very confused; I mean, what are you supposed to do if you tell someone you're bi, and then a year later you don't feel that way anymore? It's a really difficult position to be in. It's great that you were able to come out to each other, and now that it's done, just let it go. Don't let yourself get into this spiral of wondering if she trusts you, or if she's keeping other secrets, or if she likes other people better. Just let it be what it is, and be glad that it's out in the open now. If you're afraid of making her uncomfortable, just let her know how you're feeling instead of trying to confront her. She'll be more willing to explain her own feelings if you don't approach her like she's done something wrong. Because she hasn't, and at this point, she's probably afraid that she's made you upset and doesn't know what to do next. It's no big deal, so don't worry too much about it. It'll be okay if you just stay calm and try to stop yourself from over-thinking.
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"There's no Hitler and no Holocaust, no winter and no Santa Claus
Melissa, there's a chance that she just wasn't ready to tell you...remember you're talking about pretty major stuff here. It takes time and there's a process that goes on inside before revealing really personal stuff. You're taking it personally, that's a problem here. It's not just about you, it's about her, too.
Try separating your reaction to when you found out from her potential need to just do a bit more of her own work before telling you. Maybe this isn't something you need to talk with her about, but just be aware that for her, you might be someone who she takes a bit more seriously..and just provide lots of support and reassurance to her for this step..and your commitment to the friendship.
Sam, thank you for putting some sense into me. I had taken it as a personal insult, as her trying to start a secret life that kept me out of the picture, but looking back, I don't think that was her intention. Maybe she feels more comfortable telling people she's friends with online because there's still some level of anonymity there...and that it's often difficult to tell the people you're close to. It was harder for me to come out to family and close friends as well. I just didn't like feeling like I was the last to know, which wasn't right of me, because I know I didn't tell people in order of importance and I'm sure she isn't either.
I can understand you being confused and slightly hurt, maybe even a little jealous. It kind of hurts when you find out that your best friend was willing to share a secret with someone else, but they didn't come to you.
But there's more to it than that. It doesn't mean that she doesn't trust you, or that she doesn't care about you. It doesn't mean she likes her other friends better than you. With the way our society is, coming out is a really sensitive process. And the last person anyone wants to lose because of homophobia is their best friend.
I was telling online friends that I was gay for almost two years before I told my best friend. Why? Because I didn't know them in real life, and I didn't really care what they thought of me. But I was scared to tell my best friend because I had no idea how she would react, and, well, I just wasn't ready. She was completely supportive of gay rights, but I know a lot of people who appear to be supportive but turn out to be homophobic. I'm guessing it's the same situation with your friend. A lot of people will pick one close friend to come out to initially, but some will start by coming out to people they don't know as well. It's easier that way because they're less afraid of what these people are going to think, and they have a better chance to judge future reactions. But when it comes to best friends, it can be really scary. A lot of gay or bisexual people have come out to close friends who they thought they could trust, only to be rejected in disgust. It's not an easy thing to do.
So your friend is probably really unsure about coming out to people right now, and she's just trying to get comfortable and ease into it one step at a time. She's probably also very confused; I mean, what are you supposed to do if you tell someone you're bi, and then a year later you don't feel that way anymore? It's a really difficult position to be in. It's great that you were able to come out to each other, and now that it's done, just let it go. Don't let yourself get into this spiral of wondering if she trusts you, or if she's keeping other secrets, or if she likes other people better. Just let it be what it is, and be glad that it's out in the open now. If you're afraid of making her uncomfortable, just let her know how you're feeling instead of trying to confront her. She'll be more willing to explain her own feelings if you don't approach her like she's done something wrong. Because she hasn't, and at this point, she's probably afraid that she's made you upset and doesn't know what to do next. It's no big deal, so don't worry too much about it. It'll be okay if you just stay calm and try to stop yourself from over-thinking.
Ah, thank you so much...you're very right. Thank you for a little bit of inside perspective. I should have thought of it like that from the beginning, because I was doing the same thing in my own way. And it's comforting to know that you have gone through something similar. I've been thinking about this problem selfishly when I should have thought of my own experience it as well and how it relates...
I agree with people that it shouln't be taken as a personal insult. Maybe she was scared to tell you, or afraid that something might happen if you knew about it.
For the point that the internet was the first to know: i think everyone does that. The internet is anonymous, where -you- are anonymous. You can tell your tale to other people without them knowing who you are. It makes it easier to communicate. Face to face can be frightening, out of my own experiences.
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And that one incident against all the times we've been in support of gay rights together and all the times I have told her I'm not judging her confuses me. :/ It just feels uncomfortable being part of a small, singled out group of people kept in the dark when she is telling people she doesn't even know in person that she's bi, while giving me several different stories on any given day. I will try and talk to her again about it like you all have said, but I'm afraid of making her uncomfortable and I don't know what else I have done to make her so self-conscious about this and so afraid of me judging her.
