[chacha]

I keep getting really strong phases of feeling an incredible sadness and i don't know how to help myself.

I recently returned from Honduras where i worked with orphans and school children and i honestly feel like for the first time in my life (i'm 18) my heart has been well and truly broken. i've never felt such sadness for anything and i feel worse that i can do nothing about the way these children are treated. I got very close with a little 1 year old boy named eric. he was obviously sick, he was so skinny, his spine hurt my arm when i held him, their nappies (diapers) weren't changed all day - i often left with poo on my clothes from where he had been sitting on me. I can't get over this. i don't know what to do with myself

on top of this, when i returned from central america - i went by myself - i thought i'd have this new confidence and pride about things and my perspective on life would be different, but this hasn't happened. i've gone back to feeling so horrible about myself and what's confusing me the most are my morals. i feel like i'm decided on particular things, i know my limits on a night out for example if i met a guy. however time and time again, i doubt myself to the extent that i hate myself for not doing what other people think i should do. if my friends - or anyone for that matter - expressed an opinion on something i did or was about to do, even if i disagreed, i manage to convince myself that they are right because i dont think i have enough respect for myself to believe that my morals will get me through

i start university for the first time in a few weeks and its worrying me. freshers - from what ive heard - is a huge sex fest, and im really not up for that, im not like that at all. but again, i can be so easily persuaded to do something just because someone else says so. this worries me a lot. i also worry that i'm going to just end up being a celibate bore that no one wants to go out with because i dont sleep around. i know everyone says you meet people really like you etc but i still worry, what if i dont, what if they dont like me, what if it doesnt work out...


i think more than anything i've lost all respect for myself and confidence in myself. i'm not a bad person - i tell myself this when i feel like this - after all, i spent my summer in an orphanage in central america when i could have been partying it up with friends, i'd do anything for anyone and am just so desperate to be liked.
how do i deal with this? i really feel like any suggestion right now is going to be better than my own, so feel free to throw some my way!

[Paper Kitty]

Hey,

I'm sorry that you feel so sad. It's understandable considering what you've seen and all of the things it's making you think about. I want to say that it's an amazing thing you did working with children and a lot of people never do anything like that in their lifetime. But you went there and made a difference to them, even if it was just a little bit of help.

All the things you have seen are heartbreaking and the truth is that there will always be heartbreaking things in the world. There will always be sad things happening somewhere and it's just natural to feel sad that you can't help any more- but you can't let it control your life. We all wish we could stop all sad things from happening but we can't.

So I guess the best thing we can do is to do at least a little bit and make a difference to others in the world.

You should respect and like yourself because from everything that you've written here you seem like a really nice and caring person. It's hard to be confident sometimes, but try and take it one step at a time and remember that you can do anything you want.

Another thing is that you can't be pressured into anything you're not comfortable with doing. If it doesn't feel right, then you don't have to fo it.

I wish I had more helpful suggestions, but for now just lots of cuddles. x

[Musicalpsycho]

^ I agree, it was an incredible thing you did there and after facing challenges like that, you'll do fine at university. They're big places so if one group of people are talking about partying, sex and drugs etc and you're not up for that, then you can find a group of people who feel like that too. Trust me, you'll be okay as far as that goes because from what I can tell from your posts, I know people will like you. Experiencing the things you did is bound to change you and the way you see things, if your morals have been strengthened then that's a good thing. Trust your judgement (more often than not, it won't let you down) and try not to feel pressured into doing something you don't want to or agree with. Tell us how things go and you can always feel free talk to me or someone else here if something's really bothering you and you want it to be anonymous.

[chacha]

thankyou both, theyre both really lovely replies to read, and just what i needed!
particularly love this quote Trust your judgement (more often than not, it won't let you down) - musical psycho! thanks kitty as well