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Okay, so let me start off by saying that I have never wanted to have my own kids; Never. Never have and I can confidently say that I never will.
Pregnancy and child birth and all the lasting side effects from them are just not worth it to me(Every single person I know irl has had permanent lasting side effects that I do not care to deal with) but I have always wanted to adopt from a foreign country.
Now, my husband has always pictured himself having his own kids,he was never interested in adoption, basically the opposite of me.
Well, I have decided that on my 24th birthday, I am having a tubal ligation surgery if I have not changed my mind by that point. My reason for this is that I was pregnant once, it was the most miserable time of my life, it took a toll on my relationship, it was a shitty situation and I didn't go through with it. I got pregnant using Birth control pills, Condoms AND spermicide, so obviously I have my doubts about other forms of protection and I do NOT want to get pregnant again.
My husband and I talked about it and although disappointed, he has accepted my choice saying that as long as he's with me, he doesn't care about kids. He's willing to consider adoption if I'm completely sure I don't want my own.
My question is, am I being selfish?
I quite literally feel physically ill looking at pregnant women because I want so badly to never have to do it. I don't find it beautiful and all that crap, it looks like a deformity IMO, however I grin and congratulate women because I know they're usually excited and happy about it and Im happy for them, however just....blah. No thank you, not for me.
I am in the healthcare field and have seen some of the lasting physical effects pregnancy and childbearing have on a woman's body, not to mention her sanity. It's not pretty. You hear about those crazy bitches who kill her kids while going through post partum depression, and I honestly feel like Id be one of those crazy bitches because I will already resent it for causing all the things I find absolutely awful about the whole thing.
Am I supposed to just bite my tongue and go through it compromising my health,my body and my sanity simply to give my husband his own flesh and blood children or am I justified in getting this surgery? I feel bad, but at the same time, I feel like If I throw my feelings and wishes by the wayside, I'm going to resent not only my kid, but my husband as well.
Personally, I think you're being a bit selfish. You're already married and loved, if your body is altered some, so what..? isn't it worth it to bring and do something in your life to make your husband really happy? for him to be able to have a child of HIS own? IMO id compromise, you have one of your own, then adopt one. You each get what you want more or less. Marriage is about compromise and putting aside what just you yourself want and also live to make your lover happy. I think more so you need to think of how it would make him happy and picture your beautiful baby more so then focusing on what would be the bad things. Not everyone has long lasting side effects, or it goes bad etc. You can work through that a lot of the time just most don't take care of themselves after. Also, you could have a scheduled C section.. I see how it would scare you and disgust you some but from me personally really wanting a child of my own, i can see how it really disappointing and kills him to not be able to have one of his own.. Also i highly doubt you'd resent your baby. It may seem like it but once it's born and you see your husband in the child, how they look, act, smile and you see the traits carried down from your husband, i think you'd love it regardless and be amazed at how you see the guy you love in your child, and when you see the love in his eyes and the tears when his child is born, with how much he loves it and wanted this.
From joy to sorrow, yesterday to tomorrow, you've been there. Friends like you are rare, your touch is so gentle,
You're my guardian angel.
Like a blossoming flower spreading your wings in grace, filling my heart with power
by feeling your embrace.
Wherever the wind may blow, we will overcome this war, in times happy or sore, I will never let you go.
With a gentle warm heart and a will of stone, We'll never be apart, You'll never be alone. - John <3
Last edited by DeepDistress; 21-10-11 at 08:41 PM..
Personally, I think you're being a bit selfish. You're already married and loved, if your body is altered some, so what..? isn't it worth it to bring and do something in your life to make your husband really happy? for him to be able to have a child of HIS own? IMO id compromise, you have one of your own, then adopt one. You each get what you want more or less. Marriage is about compromise and putting aside what just you yourself want and also live to make your lover happy. I think more so you need to think of how it would make him happy and picture your beautiful baby more so then focusing on what would be the bad things. Not everyone has long lasting side effects, or it goes bad etc. You can work through that a lot of the time just most don't take care of themselves after. Also, you could have a scheduled C section.. I see how it would scare you and disgust you some but from me personally really wanting a child of my own, i can see how it really disappointing and kills him to not be able to have one of his own.. Also i highly doubt you'd resent your baby. It may seem like it but once it's born and you see your husband in the child, how they look, act, smile and you see the traits carried down from your husband, i think you'd love it regardless and be amazed at how you see the guy you love in your child, and when you see the love in his eyes and the tears when his child is born, with how much he loves it and wanted this.
I don't give a shit how my body looks afterward, it's not like I have a slammin bod as it is, but for example, a friend of mine has had two kids, both extremely premature at only 3lbs each.
It's been almost 2 years since her youngest was born and she still cannot even stand up from a chair without leaking urine. She has to wear a pad 24/7 and that's with 2 extremely tiny births, let alone your average 8 pounder+
Another girl I know had a prolapsed uterus and had to get a hysterectomy.
Another had a prolapsed colon that she thankfully didn't need surgery for.
Another constantly gets Mastitis, even now that she's no longer breast feeding.
The list goes on.
Not worth it at all for me, and I already have a really shitty, weak bladder.
As for a c-section, I was contemplating that for the longest time, that was pretty much what I clung onto the last couple years but really? At the end of the day, we really don't need to add to the population anyway when there's already millions of kids from war ridden countries who need safe, loving homes.
Also, the way I see it, yeah, marriages are about compromises but why is it ME who has to sacrifice my body, my sanity etc to make this compromise?
All he has to compromise is a blood line AND I'm already making the compromise of waiting two years until I get the surgery to give myself a chance to find some miracle to change my mind.
I was going to start the process once I finish my clinical hours at Christmas but I am risking the chance of getting pregnant again in the hopes that my mind will change.
I'm not like other people, I already am well aware of this. I absolutely HATED myself for getting pregnant the first time, not to mention my husband since it takes two to tango and I hated the feeling of knowing that something was inside me making me feel so miserable. I DO NOT want it. Not ever. All the words in the dictionary are not enough to even begin to describe how much I do NOT want to have my own children.
EDIT: also, That's great if you can speak for yourself when you say that you wouldnt resent your kid, but you are not me. You can't tell other people how they're going to feel.I have seen it happen and it happens all the time.
well those things that happened to people you know are extreme, i know many who have had it rough/easy and still are fine after. It depends on the person, there's more likely you'd be fine after then not.
And I think for the rest of it you need to think more so of him first rather then yourself.. You can both make him happy and help save other children by giving them a home.. Marriage is about compromising and just because he can't give up some things the same way you can doesn't mean he can't compromise and sacrifice in other ways over the years. It's not supposed to be a fair battle, you just do what you can where you can and how you can to make each other happy. For most, seeing your husband so happy, so in love with the child, seeing him hold it, cry for it, protect it, etc. just in those first few moments is re pay enough for the woman who went through all the tough times to see the person she loves so much so happy.
From joy to sorrow, yesterday to tomorrow, you've been there. Friends like you are rare, your touch is so gentle,
You're my guardian angel.
Like a blossoming flower spreading your wings in grace, filling my heart with power
by feeling your embrace.
Wherever the wind may blow, we will overcome this war, in times happy or sore, I will never let you go.
With a gentle warm heart and a will of stone, We'll never be apart, You'll never be alone. - John <3
well those things that happened to people you know are extreme, i know many who have had it rough/easy and still are fine after. It depends on the person, there's more likely you'd be fine after then not.
And I think for the rest of it you need to think more so of him first rather then yourself.. You can both make him happy and help save other children by giving them a home.. Marriage is about compromising and just because he can't give up some things the same way you can doesn't mean he can't compromise and sacrifice in other ways over the years. It's not supposed to be a fair battle, you just do what you can where you can and how you can to make each other happy. For most, seeing your husband so happy, so in love with the child, seeing him hold it, cry for it, protect it, etc. just in those first few moments is re pay enough for the woman who went through all the tough times to see the person she loves so much so happy.
Yes, but speaking as someone who's gone under the knife countless times and have had countless problems, anything less than a 100% sure thing is no longer good enough for me when it comes to my health.
As for thinking of him, that is why I am waiting a couple years, but what is the use of going through it all when in the end, I'm going to be miserable and unable to enjoy his happiness?Not to mention,he wont be happy if I'm miserable, I know that.
I wish I could be happy and thrilled about the idea of having a kid but the fact is, the pregnancy is going to be 9 months of hell and misery for me and I will deflect that misery and hell onto him. When it's born?I'm not going to want anything to do with it. I'll love it, obviously because unfortunately, "love" is simply a chemical release in your brain that you have no control over, but I will resent and in turn, not want it and again, you can speak for yourself, not every single woman, including myself.
Well it is up to you and him but i think you'd love it and be into it way more then you think you would be. You have to considerate on the good too, not just the horrible things and pain and scariness of it. I highly doubt you'd resent him, or the baby. Yeah, you did before but it's not like you had a very long time to adjust to the thought, or feel the baby in you and etc. It's different when you know its coming, when you can get excited knowing you'd keep the baby, name it, know it's personality, etc.
And I know, hence why i said "for most"
From joy to sorrow, yesterday to tomorrow, you've been there. Friends like you are rare, your touch is so gentle,
You're my guardian angel.
Like a blossoming flower spreading your wings in grace, filling my heart with power
by feeling your embrace.
Wherever the wind may blow, we will overcome this war, in times happy or sore, I will never let you go.
With a gentle warm heart and a will of stone, We'll never be apart, You'll never be alone. - John <3
I think if you feel that strongly about not having them then don't. That's a perfectly valid choice but not everyone has problems like that after giving birth in fact most people don't. I gave birth to twins both almost 7 pounds and I'm perfectly healthy.
See, I get super excited about the thought of adopting and bringing them home and teaching them about their new country and our family and working to still maintain his/her heritage and such.
Thinking about pregnancy and childbirth and everything related to it just makes me want to vomit. It's not that I find it scary at all,it's that I don't want to decide to suck it up, go through with it simply because I have a uterus and apparently it's my duty as a vagina carrier to use it and then absolutely hate and regret it because if that were the case(and it more than likely will be) I wouldn't be able to keep it. It would be put up for adoption and THAT would break my husband's heart.
perhaps you should not get the surgery till after you adopt one? you may change your mind after you have a child.
But you also have to think, everything about having his own child excites him, and adoption doesn't for him. how you feel is how he feels.
From joy to sorrow, yesterday to tomorrow, you've been there. Friends like you are rare, your touch is so gentle,
You're my guardian angel.
Like a blossoming flower spreading your wings in grace, filling my heart with power
by feeling your embrace.
Wherever the wind may blow, we will overcome this war, in times happy or sore, I will never let you go.
With a gentle warm heart and a will of stone, We'll never be apart, You'll never be alone. - John <3
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Tubal Ligation Surgery( female Vasectomy)
