Sometimes, it feels like people forget that I'm only human, that I have emotions too, and that when they do stupid stuff, it hurts. Even when I say nothing... I'm the kind of person who will suffer in silence simply because I don't want to burden others with my problems. I want to be the one to give advice and help other people, not the other way around. But I am currently on the verge of a breakdown, because I just don't know how to deal anymore, or how to cope. I need help.
My name is Katie, and I'm 16. I guess you might say that I've been strong for myself, as I've been "there and back" quite a few times already... In a lot of ways, I feel like if I had to leave home tomorrow, I'd be able to be on my own... I've had a lot happen in this life, but the plus side is, I feel like it made me stronger, or helped me to grow up (maybe a little faster than I would've liked, but...
).
Anyway, I've been having some issues with other people.... And it's time to vent...
When I was 13, I was molested by my first boyfriend. (Well, he had asked me out just in title, we never kissed or held hands, or any of that; I don't know if I can call him a boyfriend, so I guess I won't. He was... a friend, I guess). Anyway, he said he'd steal my bike if I didn't let him touch my breasts... At first, I refused, and I kept refusing, until he actually tried to steal it... (my dad was abusive when I still visited him. And if I came home without my bike, I would get beaten with a belt or spanked. So, needless to say, I wanted to avoid that). So, I let him touch me, and it was really awkward and uncomfortable... I squirmed a lot and cussed at him quite a bit. And eventually he stopped... But when he did, he pushed me into the creek thing (about five feet of a drop). And then threw my bike in maybe 10 feet away from me... The front rim got bent and it was noticeable.
So, there I am, bike broken anyway, having been taken advantage of, and wet. It was summer, so I wasn't freezing or anything, but... God, I was humiliated. Anyway, my dad did end up beating me for messing up my bike, and I never talked to (let's call him Frank) again.
Next, is my old scout unit. Let's call it "wonder scouts". So, some sex happened between kids in the unit, at scout events, outside them, sexting, stalking, etc. And the adult leaders did nothing for months... Kid beats up two younger kids till they end in hospital, parents threaten to sue, adult leaders do nothing, even when two younger boys quit. Adult leader calls me weak and flimsy when I take some time away because of a very painful breakup (with someone also in wonder scouts), gets involved in my business and acts extremely rude about it. In fact, everyone got involved, when it was supposed to be confidential. Summer, adult leader pulls me down the stairs by my arm, holds very hard, leaves bruise. Of course, no punishment for it. Kid does pot on federal property (military base) and adults do nothing. Then when I left, I got cussed out by an adult leader, and people don't know the full story, so they think I'm just being petty.... now I have lost respect because of it. -_-
Again in scouts, a youth leader claims the spot of youth leadership, expected to make decisions and accept responsibility. Tells me to do stuff that apparently is not right for the time. I get in trouble for it big time, and lose a lot of respect for it. He does not claim responsibilty for telling me to do it in the first place. People mad at me for it, my credibilty is diminished, etc. Because of him...
School. So, big project due, I end up doing all the work, because people didn't do their share. I stay up till midnight some days to finish. Miss other homework assignment, mom gets mad at me for it (even though I was working nonstop on the project), and other team member takes credit for my work.
This has been... my year in thought. Being molested? I just told the first person about it last year. Scouts? No one cares, and I've had to leave because the second nearest unit is too far (meaning I don't get my award I had almost completed). Again with scouts? People still associate the blame for stuff that happened, with me. I am a joke. And school? Yeah, the group doesn't care...
I'm just tired. Tired of accepting the responsibilty for things I'm not doing wrong, or when people don't accept their responsibility. Or when they do when they shouldn't...
It's like people forget I am real, that I feel what they do, and I take the fall for it. I won't tell people I'm upset, because I don't want to complain, I don't want to b*tch... But inside, I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to pull back my sleeves and punch through walls. And I can't go anywhere with it...
My family can't afford money for therapy, and with all the other costs they are covering for trips and such this year for me, I don't want to ask... Besides, it just feels like complaing, and I want to SOLVE it, fix it, make it not suck somehow.
I just feel like people expect me to be too strong. Sometimes I'll snap in a small way, and I'll say something snide or sarcastic because I want them to get that they have screwed up, but I would rather say nothing than take them up on it and start more drama (as my name is alreadey soiled by idiots...
I'm just in a lot of pain right now. So much so that I'm writing this from class right now. I just need to get this out there, I need some support. Not pity, mind you, but support. Hugs and hope= appreciated.
Thank you for reading this, as I know it's lengthy.
Today's Toppers
I'm not wonderwoman... :(
Re: I'm not wonderwoman... :(
