She's just told me she's pregnant

[Rogan]

Ok so my girlfriend told me tonight that she's pregnant. We both knew there was a chance but tonight she took the test and it was positive. She wants to keep it but I think we won't be able to afford it and we won't cope.

The thing is, we already have one baby and she's only 6 months old so having another now is really soon. It wasn't like we weren't being careful. She had her drink spiked one night when she was out by some guy who then had sex with her. She even took the morning after pill but that didn't work. (Apparently it only 85% effective).

So she's against having an abortion and she knows that she wouldn't be able to give birth to it and then give it up for adoption so the only option left is to keep it. We can only just get by with one. I'm studying full time and she's either working, or in hospital, (she has to go in quite a bit for treatment) so having another now would run us off our feet. Also, we would need a bigger place to live and more money to pay for it all and as far as I can see, there's no way we'll cope.

I tried telling her this but she wouldn't accept it. I understand that she can't have an abortion or give it up for adoption but I really don't know what we're going to do.

Another thing:If we are having another baby, what do I tell my parents. My girlfriend doesn't want them to know what really happened so I need to make something up. Ideally something that won't make her sound like a slut. They know the baby won't be mine because we're currently long distance and they'll know we hadn't seen each other around the baby this baby was conceived.

[XcuriousX]

Okk.. i think you needa listen to the song Flipside-Happy Birthday
Random but u'l understand..

And its her body, she can make the decisions, but you shouldnt have to pretend its yours. Tell her that your ok with her keeping it, because if you love her.. you should be.. But that you want to tell people the truth.

[Rogan]

I love her and I understand that it's her body and her baby. I want to be the father to the baby (even though I'm not the biological father) and I'll love the baby as if it was mine.

I'm happy with her keeping it and having another baby and everything but it's not being able to cope that I'm worried about. We can't afford another and we can only just manage with one, let alone two. We're really tight for money as it is and as well as having to pay for another baby, we'll have to find somewhere bigger to live, which will cost a fortune.

She can't get rid of it but we won't cope with it.

[Marietta]

Well, instead of an out-and-out adoption, why not get her parents or maybe some friends who are willing to legally adopt the child.

Legally, the child wouldn't be either of yours but when doing this you can go back later and re-adopt the child.
Plus since the legal area is going to another person, they would have to provide clothes, food, shelter, etc.
And when you guys get enough money you can re-adopt the child.
Or an open-adoption.

As for telling your parents... Tricky.
Of course, you could in theory lie but not totally.
Hold off on telling them, see each other ASAP, let a few weeks go by then tell them.
And when it's time for the kid to be born, the answer: pre-mature birth.

Another option is using the power of guilt.
No one really wants to put a child in danger so you could hint at needing help to friends and family.


Yeah, not really the kindest way to go about things but you gotta do what you gotta do.

[Rogan]

Thanks for your advice.

Quote: Originally Posted by Marietta

Well, instead of an out-and-out adoption, why not get her parents or maybe some friends who are willing to legally adopt the child.

We don't have anyone who could adopt the child. She doesn't have any family really and my family and our friends wouldn't be able to. It's definitely something I'll talk to her about though. Thanks.

Quote: Originally Posted by Marietta

Hold off on telling them, see each other ASAP, let a few weeks go by then tell them.
And when it's time for the kid to be born, the answer: pre-mature birth.

There isn't a way for us to see each other until she moves back down here and then my parents will see her regularly so they'll know. My step-mum is a nurse so she'll know it's too big to be premature.

Quote: Originally Posted by Marietta

No one really wants to put a child in danger so you could hint at needing help to friends and family.

My girlfriend's gran has now agreed to give us some money until we're a little more stable financially but as her gran lives in the US and we're in the UK, she won't be able to help us physically. We should be OK once my girlfriend moves back down to live with me but at the moment, we have no idea when that will be. It could be 2 weeks, it could be 2 years. She won't be able to cope on her own and there is no way for me to go and stay with her.

[Marietta]

No way you two can visit at all?
Where is she at right now?

[Rogan]

Quote: Originally Posted by Marietta

No way you two can visit at all?
Where is she at right now?

She's in a hospice. I'm not allowed to visit as it's family only because a lot of people in there are very sick and have really low immune systems so having lots of people coming in and out makes controlling infection really hard.

[Meta]

i think that you should tell your parents the truth. under the circumstances they shouldn't view her as a slut, her drink was spiked, it wasn't her fault. they might be able to help you out as well so it's probably worth it. and have you called the police about the whole drink spiking incident?

[Rogan]

Thanks for your advice Meta.
I think telling them the truth is what's best for everyone. They'll know straight away it's not mine so it's either the truth or make them think she's a slut. The thing is, she doesn't want anyone knowing what happened. She sees it as something to be ashamed of and that it shows she can't look after herself.

As for going to the police, we didn't. She showered as soon as she woke up after so there's no evidence now. She doesn't remember anything about the guy and there was no CCTV where she was. The police would have nothing at all to go on.

[Rogan]

UPDATE:

So I've told my parents. I talked to my girlfriend and we decided to tell them the truth. It didn't go well. The first thing they said was, "So you'll be leaving her then." Of course I won't be. They don't want me dating her anymore. They see it as her fault somehow. Oh well. If they don't like it that's their problem.

Sorry that was a bit too much of a rant.

We've also sorted out money. We'll be borrowing a bit from family members until we can make our own way, which hopefully won't be too long after. We've been offered help by friends that live near us too. (Still waiting for my family to calm down before we see whether they want to be involved.)

My girlfriend says that we'll be fine and that I should trust her that everything is going to be ok so that's what I'm going to do.